every two weeks: Mahna Mahna (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7wMHcpMmV9g">do dooo do do do</a>)

1.1.07

(This is, by far, *the best* reason to have a blog.)

Hello 2007! You've got a lot to live up to.

2006, you had biting, tears and blood. You began in Clintonville and ended in Bangs. You were no 2005, but you had your moments, as indicated below:

January

The new year came with new responsibilities, as I had been crowned Sorority President, or rather, some other Lyndsey Johnson at OU had been. Either way, I was getting the emails, so I accepted my responsibility, organized fake charity fundraisers and handed down discipline like an old pro (WAS THAT A VISIBLE PANTY LINE ON TINA AT CHAPTER?!) Brittiny helped decode their Language.

Mid-month, I said goodbye to my old beats and Moved On Up to the west side, thankyouverymuchJackSowers. For three weeks, Seth and I trained for a marathon and a Mennonite Bible Study. At a bar in Cincinnati, Mae and I ignored the plight of a disabled.

February

We're still living on Arcadia Avenue, but no one really knows what we do on the weekends. On a Sunday, in a dramatic interpretation, Seth takes a long, hard drag of an imaginary cigarette and squints his eyes a bit, barking "fucking...city council..." Everyone in the room agrees he looks nothing like us.

I spoke with Jim Tressel about Miami Trace football and Maybel celebrated her first birthday -- at Chuckie Cheese! -- on the first. My dad lost his job and, after a brief stint in El Paso, got a much better one. I agreed to grade more than two dozen "I am unique because ... " essays written by suburban high school seniors. A tragic number were not unique. Lin left for the dark side. We've not spoken since.

Finally, after a long night on the lam, I vowed to give up blogging for Lent.

March

(see footage: Black Monday, 1929)

April*

After a month of reflection and religious meditation I began to Fug again. I saw my gyno in Panera with his hands wrapped around a deli sandwich. In a somewhat deflating set of meetings, a home inspector told us "I've seen houses in New Orleans in better shape than this one," and also, in an official $300 report, deemed a house "borderline uninhabitable." An online quiz revealed I am 33 percent Neo-Pagan. I got a tapeworm and had to poo in a jar.

May**

Teter camping trip.
The one with the belly cream.
We bought our first home -- in Bangs!

June Quotables

"I think we've eaten all the mint chocolate chip. Can you turn it up?"
-- to my roommate Lin during Moulin Rouge. :)

"Chris Spielman."
-- in response to Seth, when he asked who I'd just hung up on. (twice)

"In Cincinnati. Something about farmers and a city-wide treasure hunt."
-- explaining blisters to my mother.

"cost to move water holding tank from pit outside home into basement"
-- first of several unfortunate google keyword searches

July

There is an image of me, curled on my side of the bed, wrapped in all the covers, refusing to speak to the man I married because the duvet cover on our 'display bed' doesn't match the accent pillows in the second bedroom -- 'and probably never will.' For undisclosed reasons, Seth does not divorce me.

There is hot, sweaty work. Weed whackers, poison ivy and lemonade breaks. Maybel had 27 ticks. The neighbors are skeptical. Grandma died and came back to life. We got a land line.

August
"Baby ... go get that pig."

In Bangs, Ohio, on my 24th birthday, I had bowl of soup at Ruby Tuesday's. Seth ordered me a Peach Birthday Smoothie (emphasis added.) (also the word Birthday was added.) Sometime between Saturday and the day of our two-year wedding anniversary, I was moving buckets full of soggy ash and mud into the dumpster and was indescribably happy. Maybel came to work after the yeast infection in her paws.

September

We learned Guga is not dead.

I was accosted by old ladies at the dollar theater. Lowe's closed at 6 p.m., but Teth Seter and Our Hero remained un-divorced. Maybel had a pregnancy scare. The Pig learned to root. I visited four girls who lived with me in college.

Reasons why I suck, Vol. October

In a CVS parking lot, Johnny Cash tells me that Jesus has been crucified. On a Monday, I returned to work to find the Honda idling with the doors unlocked and the radio blaring -- as it had been for almost 48 hours. Later I will make my editor "nine out of ten" annoyed with me, I will receive a "four out of ten" at Paul Bunyan's Lumberjack Competition, and a I'll take home a "221 out of 320" in the Dead Celebrity 5k Race in Westerville.

November***
Jon Stewart blows into town. We've been texting constantly ever since. As our newspaper's hand-picked Special Ops team, Phil and I go 0 for 7 tracking down missing Republican candidates. In Bangs, during halftime of the Michigan game, Jen and I prove a better shot than Garth. Everybody is sad about Brittany, K-Fed, Rumsfeld and Kramer.

December

I begin to shop regularly at the Mount Vernon Kroger. 'Dug' is the only one who remembers. I wake up at 4 p.m. in the parking lot of a library and realize how much I need a vacation. Seth and Maybel rise early to snag a "doorbuster" flat screen television. In a related and similarly uncharacteristic moment, angels in heaven mouth "WTF?"
Teters welcome Owen Charles, and all except Paul escape The Fever. On the last night of the year, a future FBI agent sings along with Natalie Imbrigillidaaaa, or whatever her name is, but we don't mock him because he could easily 'erase' us.

*Winner -- Month with worst news from professionals
**Winner -- Month almost accidentally described with a Haiku.
***Note: Closet project has been struck from the record.

posted by Class of 2000 officers @ 2:57 PM

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Name: Class of 2000 officers Home: Columbus, Ohio, United States About Me: See my complete profile Boiling down and dressing up mundane since 2004. Proudly serving as Google's #3 reference for Megan Pringle hot since 2007, and Google's #2 reference for "claudia schiffer"+"gold pants" since 2007.
for our boss.
i'm glad you're here.
for public officials, etc.
welcome wagon.
buzz.
"The perfect amount ... of panache." -- Blogspot's Mae Klingler "Funny and insightful..." --Diaryland's Lemonscarlet "I read your blog the other day." --Jim Woods, Dispatch reporter "You're not putting that on the Internet, are you?" --family and friends
we must stop meeting like this.
klingler. rankin. strader. Nadine. i talked to her once and she was hilarious. jessm. Do the Dew. newbie. SJP. welcome to earf. the original spiderman. not safe around house plants. pencils from heaven. aholeonapc. e-normal. nevada. Look, ma. KT. name without a face. knows how to party. secret reading. bobservations. filipiak boy. filipiak girl. My sis, the blonde. Wogan's Heroes.
on notice.

blagers.
blager girls. blager boy.
i heart internets.
passiveagressivenotes. apostrophe abuse. literally the best thing on the Web. too much cute.
previously on.
December 30, 2006 i'd rather dance with you. worst christmas ever vacation. it's them, not me. Because you'll be old one day, too. look who's back. It's time for Percy to Housewife-alicious, or TheBrat:ARemix Rhymin's hard, y'all
you saw it here first.

visuals.
theteet in pictures.
i heart internet two.
for pervs. freestyle nollie. free love freeway. NEW AMAZING FOOTAGE. jesus the hot air balloon. bubbles. aokusa. Gold Pants. fashion. Watch This Movie. the man who is always there for you is always here. Lambuel. cartoons. farming is fun! I was on the front porch, drowning a mouse in a bucket when this van pulled up, which was strange. my first lover
user guide.
Name: Seth Alias: Teth Seter or Steter. In Brief: The Steter in his natural habitat. Married to theteet.blogspot.com since August 2004. Often the victim of serious hyperbole. Handy. Hates: Noise, Dominion Homes, above-the-nipple touching, when people get 'handsy.' Loves: pies (of any kind), dirt, smoking a pipe after eating pie. also, cows. Name: Maybel Alias: The Pig or Boobles. In Brief: Kentucky-born English Bulldog since February 2006. Hates: Watermelon. All other kinds of melon. The sound of a new trash bag being opened and sitting in the back seat. Loves: Treats, walks, Charlie, 'humping it out' and barfing. Name: Amanda Alias: The Sister. In Brief: theteet's younger (but larger) sister. Survived a brain bleed in February 2007. Hates: minor inconveniences that make her blurt out uncontrollably, brain bleeds. Loves: UFC, cornhole, texting, fast food and her dog Charlie. Name: mom and dad. Alias: the 'rents. In Brief: Ashland natives and frequent visitors. They taught me how to swear. Hates: hospitals. Loves: squirrels and lattes. Name: Mae Alias: Klingler or Maddog. In Brief: Cincinnati resident and former college/Old Towne East roommate. Once wrote a song that made theteet cry. Hates: Hate. Loves: Jesus, family, puns, guitars and gardening. Name: Colleen Alias: Crankin and Rankin. In Brief: Akron resident and former college roomie. Arguably more handy than Seth. Nice bosom for hugging. Hates: all drivers. Loves: beer, coffee, cigarettes and boys we all find strange. Name: Talya Alias: Strader and Sweet T. In Brief: Chicago resident and former college roomie. served brief stint at theteet's 'accountability partner.' collects monthly fee for keeping quiet. Hates: people who do not comment on her blog. Loves: social justice, eggs, her boyfriend monsterbeard and the occupation of barista. Name: Chris Alias: Christopher, Monsterbeard and Nadine. In Brief: Chicago resident and college buddy. Maker of 'We once waited up in the dark with a gun,' and other misadventures. Hates: people who are looking the other way. Loves: history, film, his girlfriend Strader and acronyms. Name: pdawg. Alias: none needed. In Brief: Former co-worker who is willing to eat waffles with theteet at 4 in the morning regardless of level of snow emergency. Hates: anyone under the age of 35. Loves: Hostess pies, old man rants and golf. Name: Linsly. Alias: MERLIN, lin or newbie. In Brief: Former co-worker who lived with us for a week. I can tell this kid anything. He's like a brother. Hates: sexual predators. Loves: zombies, guns, porch chats and movie quotes. Name: jaydubs. Alias: jwray and 10bagspacking. In Brief: Co-worker who taught me everything I know about the world. Hates: mean jokes, mushrooms, clipping fingernails in the office. Loves: crafts, her gay-together but also betrothed person Kyle, Columbus Bride Magazine, veggie-friendliness and basil. Name: jessica. Alias: jessm. In Brief: College buddy with the amazing handshake. I believe she might be back from Alaska and living in Hudson now. Hates: poverty. Loves: Jesus, jazz, geography and hilarious t-shirts. Name: brittiny. Alias: Brit-Brat, experimental dater or The Dunlap. In Brief: Former co-worker (notice a theme here?) who started with me at SNP on the same day. Former Sorority president taught me the ropes of being a lady. her wisdom did not take. Hates: visible pany line. Loves: cocktails, shoes, 'the blue box' and her boyfriend the Lizard. Name: garth and jen. Alias: not safe around house plants and the real spider-man and/or HSnothingswronghere. In Brief: Co-worker couple who proved themselves fun at work and on the farm. Periodically forced to kiss in gas station parking lots. Hates: local broadcast news reporters. Loves: zombies, movie quotes, Indianapolis and lin rice. Name: Angie. Alias: captain cool. In Brief: Former co-worker who stole my heart. She is the only thing I've ever lost to the Youngstown Vindicator. Hates: joe and misogynists. Loves: celebrity gossip, hilarious captions, biking/hiking, her boyfriend Jef, her mom and Columbus. Name: Melville. Alias: welcome to earf or bad town. In Brief: Former co-worker who let me inherit his seat at SNP. For a while, he was the only one who would talk Reynoldsburg politics with me. Hates: fleas, eminent domain and people who flip the bird. Loves: his evil cat, running, opinions, beer and Tom Waits. Name: The Gerish. Alias: The Gerish. In Brief: Co-worker and rare, elusive creature. If you're lucky, you'll see a tousle of black hair breeze by over the cubicle wall. Hates: Things that aren't crackers. Loves: crackers. Name: Dennis. Alias: secret reading. In Brief: Co-worker and rare, elusive creature. If you're lucky, he'll walk over and talk to you. But he probably won't. Once took my sister-in-law to Homecoming. Hates: The damn kids who walk in his yard. Loves: Corgis, Cedar Point and Rachael. But not the one you're thinking of.