A Columbus parking-enforcement worker was caught last week leaving too much information on Downtown windshields.
Along with tickets for parking-meter violations, Joe Johnson was plastering cars with an advertisement for a local bar.
"That's not what the city pays him to do," said Mary Carran Webster, assistant director of public service.
After getting an anonymous tip, Johnson's supervisors staked out a N. 4th Street parking lot and watched as he handed out good news along with the bad to drivers parked on Young Street.
"They were following him," said Brian Sturgill, a parking-lot attendant. "It was kind of funny watching them dart in and out of cars."
Johnson, a 14-year city employee, didn't protest when confronted, Webster said. "He knows he did it, and he said he did it. He said he didn't know it was wrong."
Johnson was caught on Aug. 22. He is back at his $19.39-an-hour job but faces a disciplinary hearing next month, Webster said.
She didn't know whether Johnson was being paid to hand out advertising while he worked the meters. The flier featured a menu for the Main Bar, and he also left an Ohio State University football schedule with a real-estate agent's name and a phone number on it.
A manager at the Main Bar, 16 W. Main St., said the tavern has a stack of fliers but doesn't pay anyone to hand them out. "We haven't hired anyone," said the man, who wouldn't give his name.
But, come to think of it, he said, "There is a meter guy who comes in here sometimes.
"Not when he's on duty."
every time a journo blogs, an angel gets its wings.
and it's lovely to have new, virtual faces at theteet.
and while i'm at it,
sayonara, meryl! (and not the 'sayonara, sucker!' kind of sayonara.) you are extra sweet to me and i don't know why. we'll always have the blogosphere.
in celebration of theteet's 30,000th visitor, (plus, i dunno, prolly twice or half that many before we moved to wordpress) i think we should schedule a Theteet meet-up at the same time/place as a Columbus Underground meet-up, and then we can start a knife fight.
i'm so glad they pulled something pretty and desperate.
it just won me $15.
fyi, here is a list of the people i beat moments ago in the Veepstakes pool:
1.) Danny Russell, a spokesman for Jesus and former TOP editor
2.) Dan Williamson, a spokesman for the mayor and also Most Awesomest Political Columnist in Ohio Ever
3.) Erik Johns, Master's degree student at Northwestern who is also learning Chinese
just an fyi.
maybe less experienced girls are the best, after all.
i'm curious as to what jessm thinks of this. also, can you relay to us the truth about The Bridge to Nowhere? also, can you tell us what Palin has done in Alaska?
are there roads there yet? a solid waste collection system?
i heart she was a city council member, Miss Teen USA Alaska or something and then she was elected governor in 2006.
it was a ballsy move, and it made me stop thinking about All That Was Last Night's Speech, but i'm not sure anyone will bite after that.
or will you?**
**Edit: I'm just reading more about this woman. she seems pretty tough. plus, she had a kid with down syndrome like, 5 minutes ago. she's pretty crazy over drilling in the wildlife refuge, though.
oh, forget it. they haven't got a chance in hell.
he is sooooo dreamy.
and his wife makes me cry.
i'm not sure what's happening to me ... i'm just an ordinary person ... suddenly i want to do extraordinary things!
i'm going to text barack now and tell him the good news ...
errrr ... i 'ran' a half marathon today.
this one had much less fanfare and about as half as many tears.
'how'd you do?' someone might ask.
well, i barfed in the porta pottie, i added 25 minutes to my time and i'm not going to tell you what i did in the field. the ranger will find it, i'm sure. i hope no one wants to steal my DNA.
anyway, i had some issues in the morning, and they were compounded by the 90-degree heat. and you'd think a park called 'Glacier Ridge' would include some cool, scenic, maybe even shady areas, but you'd be wrong. the course was one big, hot field that you had to run back and forth through three times. the good thing about that is that i could take my shirt off and toss it on the ground, because i'd have three more opportunities to run by and pick it up!
it became evident today that i train on a cushy, shady bike path about a mile fom my house, and i'm rarely in the sun. this was tough on ye old psyche.
but you want your training runs to suck hard, so, all-in-all, it was a good time. i literally thought i was going to die, which will make all runs in the future 100 percent better.
i finished at 2:49.
(that is a terrible time.)
the hero of the day, however, is STEVE JOHNSON, MY FATHER, who ran an adjoining 5K and walked maybe 10 steps the whole trip. he shattered his old time of 34+ minutes, finishing just about the 30-minute mark.
after our race, father and i shared a meal at some steakhouse (or rather, we both ordered, stared and the food and packed it up for later when our tummies were ready) and he spoke of marking out a 5-mile course as "a next step."
sucka's got the bug!
way to go, pops.
you're in trouble now.
i don't know if it's because the sun goes down a bit earlier than it used to, or if it's the blanket i use in the mornings, or if it's how we talked about buying a light for the office. or maybe it was that rest stop, or maybe it all starts happening a little faster once you've put in a solid quarter-century, but it feels a little like college tonight. can you remember what that means?
it's a little like a rooster chasing a bulldog. you're confident enough to run after it, but you're not quite sure what you'll do when you get there. you haven't thought it through.
what i meant to say is that i went to bible study tonight.
we spoke of how god requires time. like your boyfriend or your girlfriend requires time. only he's mostly invisible. which makes planning a little more difficult.
and how at the end of the day, it's just you and him. there will be no one else standing around. there will be no one there to blame it on. we're not here to talk about how mean they were to you, he'll say. i want to talk about how you responded to me.
and how jesus, who was pretty decent overall, was often seen scampering into the woods to pray.
and how if he, who was pretty decent overall, went scampering into the woods to pray, then how arrogant is it of you -- who are not that decent, let's be honest -- how arrogant is it of you to think you can put your feet on the floor every morning without addressing him yourself?
we all live and breath such arrogance. we're self-made.
and then I think about what your life must be like, probably still getting up at 5 in the morning to pursue your pathetic little dreams. It just makes me sad.
I mean, where are you really trying to get to anyway? And what are you doing in that limo?
Who the eff do you think you are?
*throws giant Pepsi at limo*
in a few short weeks, my friend jess meyer is leaving for macedonia to serve in the peace corps. she will be there for 2.25 years. that's, like, 2010, people. obama will be halfway through his first term as president.
In the meantime, she's going on a whirlwind tour of the US -- which includes: Oakland, Chicago, New York, LA, Boston and, as of Saturday, Bangs, OH-IO. we didn't really have any sort of entertainment to provide jess other than ourselves, a handful of chickens and some chairs -- plus a really weird diner that offered huge servings of fountain soda for like 40 cents or something.
still, it was comfortable. it was good conversation, and it was refreshing. for those of you who don't know Jessm, I've provided a top five list of things I love about her. it will help you get the gist:
she's abandoning everything familiar -- land, food, air, water, conversation, culture -- so that she can do some good work in the world.
she loves puzzles
if you make a joke that's good enough, you'll earn a handshake from her. this is affirming in many ways. it basically gives me the confidence to go on.
she has a keen eye for quirkiness, and can relate tales of her time in Alaska, or even watching the Olympicswith her sister, in a way that the best fiction writers could not achieve. but the stories are true, no matter how many times you call her a liar and shortly thereafter receive a postcard in the mail of a cat painted like charlie chapman.
what i'm saying is that is was super nice to visit. and that i'm so very proud of you, and that i'm glad you'll have DSL in macedonia.
I think I can recommend a good candidate ....
[caption id="attachment_1064" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="instead of a tree branch, passers-by could gaze upon obama?"][/caption]
My marathon spidey sense was tingling today, so i checked in on the columbusmarathon.com.
Look what else I found!
Courtesy of Dispatch.com, the best news ever (with commentary):
• The half marathoners, who used to break with marathoners in Bexley, will now stay with the marathoners until they, the half marathoners, break for the finish line on Nationwide Boulevard.
No confusing and potentially devastating splits in the road. plus, I won't get jealous when the half marathoners take that short-cut in Bexley (although this did great for my psyche last year when I thought I was running as fast as the 4-hour marathoners ...)
• The High Street portion of the race has been cut from 5 miles to 3½. To make up the distance, a few more turns have been added in the University District. These changes not only cut down on a stretch of headwind, they add fraternities and sororities to the course.
Although I'm nervous about the increased potential for being taken out by a stray cornhole bag, the High Street portion of the race ... of any race ... is grueling and hellish. Nothing says 'kill me now,' more than running up hill with the sun in your eyes sucking in COTA bus exhaust fumes. Now there will only be 3 miles of that.
• Perhaps the most potentially beneficial change: Grandview has been added to the course, and it will be more downhill than uphill.
I don't care if we have to run in Whitehall as long as we're running downhill.
ALERT: I sort of looks like the race course cuts out part of the Olde Towne East portion, where the GLBT community fills the entire neighborhood with rainbow flags, bubbles, costumes and dancing. Looks like miles 8-9 will be on Bryden Road, but. Here's to hoping they didn't chop the most enthusiastic marathon supporters from the race ...
I got so excited for this that I signed up today.
Why don't you join me?
Your heart will grow four sizes to large, and it will only need to pump once a minute, or so i hear.
I'm going now to try out my new breathable birthday running gear!
[caption id="attachment_1053" align="alignright" width="300" caption="this is me on journalism"][/caption]
it's not even 9 a.m., and already i had someone try to -- what?! are you tattling on me?! -- I've been called slimy and accused (twice) of taking quotes out of context!
it's a good day.
this morning, on the way to work, seth said, prophetically, "well, who do you think will hate us today?" which is funny, because i read on Columbus Underground that writers are the only people who think they never have to take responsibility for their work.
in fact, it seems to be quite the opposite -- almost like everything we produce is scrutinized by hundreds (thousands?) of people, and unless we print the full discussion word-for-word, we are "taking things out of context," which seems to be the new buzzword meaning "oh, crap. well, that doesn't look very good at all."
Doesn't "taken out of context" mean that a reporter used words that would have a different meaning if they were surrounded by other words?! If you say "I really need to learn how to be fluent in Spanish," what sort of context would absolve your acknowledgment that you are not fluent in Spanish?!
WHY IS PEOPLE SO DUMB.
Ok. Thank you. I feel much better.
in his defense, seth is being unhorsed by a nationally syndicated columnist. i'm just personally berated by a bunch of *
*EDIT: Rant censored. For the children.
fyi, i had some serious gastrointestinal issues all weekend. if you're freaked out by that sentence, please stop reading immediately. go wash you hands and forget you ever knew me. because after two years, the scars have healed and i'm in the mood to share a tragic tale. because i don't think i ever told you about the time (briefly mentioned here) i had some weird stomach thing and had to poo in a jar.
that's a story -- if you can stomach it -- worth sharing on the internet.
so, i had this stomach virus, and after two weeks of consuming nothing but crackers (and not being so successful getting those through the door, so to speak) some weird family doctor in Clintonville sent me home with a couple of jars. my directive? to collect a sample.
but these were no ordinary jars. these were huge jars. and i had to fill one of them to a certain line. kinda like some horrifying Double Dare challenge -- only the stakes were much, much higher. to this day, I have never met a mortal ordered to accomplish such a task. even maybel the bulldog is spared such demoralizing demands when i take her to the vet's office. she only has to fill a small baggie with with stuff. i met a girl once who had to collect a swab, but never a jar.
so, to make a long story short, the first round was pitiful. i hadn't eaten in years, and i didn't even make it to the 20 percent line. if i remember correctly, the stuff couldn't exactly sit around very long. i had to run it over to the lab when i was ready, and it was an all-or-nothing sort of situation. you can't deliver 20 percent of the goods. so now what?
exactly. and if you're wondering what a girl does with a jar she couldn't fill, i'll refer you to the story of Original Sin.
you see, when adam and eve ate the fruit from the Tree of Life, shame quickly became the foundation of the human condition. at first, after becoming frighteningly aware of their own nakedness, they sewed some fig leaves together in a meager attempt to cover themselves. then, when the couple heard the sound of the lord as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, they hid from him. they hid behind some trees.
and at that moment in time, i, too, knew the raw power of nakedness and shame.
so i hid. the jar, that is. i hid the jar in a closet, for fear that my husband would find out my doctor's orders. at the time, i couldn't bring myself to tell him what i had to do. even after two years of marriage, i didn't want to talk about the -- what's another euphemism? -- situation. so i sealed the jar in the bright orange biohazard baggie, and i put it in a place that maybe even god wouldn't know about. i vowed to throw it away in the cover of darkness.
the next day, my second attempt was more fruitful, if you will, and after i had done my part, my diagnosis was handed down by Doc Demoralizer. turns out i had "stomach bug" or something equally as vague, and i was told to stay away from crackers (THE BUGS FEED ON THE CRACKERS) and i ate a couple greasy cheeseburgers and was cured in a few short days. true story.
in my elated state of mind -- i'm a girl who loves to eat, mind you, and i had been able to for the first time in weeks -- i forgot about the terrible thing i had done in a moment of weakness.
i discovered the Jar of Shame when we moved a few months later.
i managed to slip the biohazard bag into the trash without anyone noticing. on earth, at least.
everyone knows you can't hide your shit from jesus.
(there is a deeply meaningful religious parable in there. i can feel it.)
i received Easily the World's Most Amazing T-shirt in the mail today. there is only one person i know with hands tiny enough to pull it off. my only regret is that i'll probably have to take it off eventually to wash it.
i'll get you back, my pretty. and your little hands, too.
also in the mail today, i received two birthday cards and cash cash monies (plus a stellar raccoon-inspired poem from my aunt) as well as an invitation to my cuzin's weddin' and another invite to my cousin's 16th--gasp--birthday.
i clearly remember pushing this little guy around the fayette county fair in a stroller. and he's driving now?! he was born in 1992.
i am an old freaking woman.
So, i'm pretty sure we've already addressed the fact that if you run anything more than, say, 6 miles, men and women alike may experience a burning sensation between the legs. and not the good kind you get from marriage.
[caption id="attachment_1043" align="alignleft" width="135" caption="there are no substitutes."][/caption]
this is because running causes the legs to move back and forth several hundred times per hour. eventually, your own skin becomes abrasive toward itself, wearing painful holes in your upper leg area. this is where the miracle product Body Glide comes in to play (hat tip to jenny wray for this recommendation.)
however, while i was far away from home earlier this evening after running, say, 6 miles, i realized that i had forgotten to apply the product to my inner thighs. crap. but hey! i've got my lip gloss in my pocket! i'll just smear that on there! it cures chapped skin! i'll just slather it on -- problem solved!
except i forgot that the lip balm had menthol in it.
needless to say, the burning sensation did not go away.
the last 4 miles or so were painful, but i was motivated to make it home a little quicker than i would otherwise.
I have officially lived in Bangs for one month longer than I ever lived in Columbus. It feels like home here. I want to sell rhubarb in the farmer's market. The divide between work and home grows wide.
The people who live and work Downtown told me that my lifestyle will become unsustainable. So how long have I got, Doc? No word on my prognosis.
We have found a community.
We are finally in a position to welcome any new faces at church, which is much better than being the awkward noobs. Mary has finally stopped asking if we go to Kenyon College, and we have officially been bumped to 'the kids who have been coming' status.
If you ever want to slice your wrists in a warm bath, Ecclesiastes is the way to go.
18Then I realized that it is good and proper for a man to eat and drink, and to find satisfaction in his toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given him—for this is his lot. 19 Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work—this is a gift of God. 20He seldom reflects on the days of his life, because God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart.
Long runs can last up to 2 hours. At times, this goal of 26 miles seems arbitrary. Discipline SUX.
When I last spoke with my sister, she went on for 45 minutes about how happy her life has become. It's about dern time.
Free Brown's tickets and a rented party bus. It will be the cold, November night the six of us will never forget--seven if you count Peyton Manning.
Beginning Thursday, I will have been married as long as I went to college. This blows my mind in many ways.
Seth will be home until the 18th, meaning that he will be with me on my birthday. Seventeen stars all around.
Special "email from my much more successful husband" Edition:he said: Just got off the phone with the Wall Street Journal...The WSJ as I like to call them...Seems they like my Amish photos and want to publish them in an upcoming issue. So, yeah, no big deal. I'd be lying if I said this call wasn't expected.Well, gotta run. What do you think I do? Sit around typing emails to nobodies all day?
As if you needed proof that the world lives and breathes theteet.com, we're getting emails from promising young writers who would kill to have their byline grace our pages:
[caption id="attachment_1025" align="alignright" width="266" caption="freelance intern for theteet.com"][/caption]
Something for Theteet.com
By ERIK JOHNS
I've been going through my extensive catalog of George Carlin materials since his death, and I came across this gem, which I think would make a perfect entry on yer little site:
Are we so much better than chickens? When did that happen? Name six ways we're better than chickens. See? No one can do it. You know why? Because chickens are decent people.
You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No. You don't see chickens strappin' someone to a chair and hookin' up their nuts to a car battery. And when's the last time you heard about a chicken who came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen? Huh? It doesn't happen. You know why? Because chickens are decent people.
Alias: Teth Seter or Steter.
In Brief: The Steter in his natural habitat. Married to theteet.blogspot.com since August 2004. Often the victim of serious hyperbole. Handy.
Hates: Noise, Dominion Homes, above-the-nipple touching, when people get 'handsy.'
Loves: pies (of any kind), dirt, smoking a pipe after eating pie. also, cows.
Alias: The Pig or Boobles.
In Brief: Kentucky-born English Bulldog since February 2006.
Hates: Watermelon. All other kinds of melon. The sound of a new trash bag being opened and sitting in the back seat.
Loves: Treats, walks, Charlie, 'humping it out' and barfing.
Alias: The Sister.
In Brief: theteet's younger (but larger) sister. Survived a brain bleed in February 2007.
Hates: minor inconveniences that make her blurt out uncontrollably, brain bleeds.
Loves: UFC, cornhole, texting, fast food and her dog Charlie.
Name: mom and dad.
Alias: the 'rents.
In Brief: Ashland natives and frequent visitors. They taught me how to swear.
Loves: squirrels and lattes.
Alias: Klingler or Maddog.
In Brief: Cincinnati resident and former college/Old Towne East roommate. Once wrote a song that made theteet cry.
Loves: Jesus, family, puns, guitars and gardening.
Alias: Crankin and Rankin.
In Brief: Akron resident and former college roomie. Arguably more handy than Seth. Nice bosom for hugging.
Hates: all drivers.
Loves: beer, coffee, cigarettes and boys we all find strange.
Alias: Strader and Sweet T.
In Brief: Chicago resident and former college roomie. served brief stint at theteet's 'accountability partner.' collects monthly fee for keeping quiet.
Hates: people who do not comment on her blog.
Loves: social justice, eggs, her boyfriend monsterbeard and the occupation of barista.
Alias: Christopher, Monsterbeard and Nadine.
In Brief: Chicago resident and college buddy. Maker of 'We once waited up in the dark with a gun,' and other misadventures.
Hates: people who are looking the other way.
Loves: history, film, his girlfriend Strader and acronyms.
Alias: none needed.
In Brief: Former co-worker who is willing to eat waffles with theteet at 4 in the morning regardless of level of snow emergency.
Hates: anyone under the age of 35.
Loves: Hostess pies, old man rants and golf.
Alias: MERLIN, lin or newbie.
In Brief: Former co-worker who lived with us for a week. I can tell this kid anything. He's like a brother.
Hates: sexual predators.
Loves: zombies, guns, porch chats and movie quotes.
Alias: jwray and 10bagspacking.
In Brief: Co-worker who taught me everything I know about the world.
Hates: mean jokes, mushrooms, clipping fingernails in the office.
Loves: crafts, her gay-together but also betrothed person Kyle, Columbus Bride Magazine, veggie-friendliness and basil.
In Brief: College buddy with the amazing handshake. I believe she might be back from Alaska and living in Hudson now.
Loves: Jesus, jazz, geography and hilarious t-shirts.
Alias: Brit-Brat, experimental dater or The Dunlap.
In Brief: Former co-worker (notice a theme here?) who started with me at SNP on the same day. Former Sorority president taught me the ropes of being a lady. her wisdom did not take.
Hates: visible pany line.
Loves: cocktails, shoes, 'the blue box' and her boyfriend the Lizard.
Name: garth and jen.
Alias: not safe around house plants and the real spider-man and/or HSnothingswronghere.
In Brief: Co-worker couple who proved themselves fun at work and on the farm. Periodically forced to kiss in gas station parking lots.
Hates: local broadcast news reporters.
Loves: zombies, movie quotes, Indianapolis and lin rice.
Alias: captain cool.
In Brief: Former co-worker who stole my heart. She is the only thing I've ever lost to the Youngstown Vindicator.
Hates: joe and misogynists.
Loves: celebrity gossip, hilarious captions, biking/hiking, her boyfriend Jef, her mom and Columbus.
Alias: welcome to earf or bad town.
In Brief: Former co-worker who let me inherit his seat at SNP. For a while, he was the only one who would talk Reynoldsburg politics with me.
Hates: fleas, eminent domain and people who flip the bird.
Loves: his evil cat, running, opinions, beer and Tom Waits.
Name: The Gerish.
Alias: The Gerish.
In Brief: Co-worker and rare, elusive creature. If you're lucky, you'll see a tousle of black hair breeze by over the cubicle wall.
Hates: Things that aren't crackers.
Alias: secret reading.
In Brief: Co-worker and rare, elusive creature. If you're lucky, he'll walk over and talk to you. But he probably won't. Once took my sister-in-law to Homecoming.
Hates: The damn kids who walk in his yard.
Loves: Corgis, Cedar Point and Rachael. But not the one you're thinking of.