every two weeks: 1 girl 2 cups

13.8.08

1 girl 2 cups

fyi, i had some serious gastrointestinal issues all weekend. if you're freaked out by that sentence, please stop reading immediately. go wash you hands and forget you ever knew me. because after two years, the scars have healed and i'm in the mood to share a tragic tale. because i don't think i ever told you about the time (briefly mentioned here) i had some weird stomach thing and had to poo in a jar. that's a story -- if you can stomach it -- worth sharing on the internet. so, i had this stomach virus, and after two weeks of consuming nothing but crackers (and not being so successful getting those through the door, so to speak) some weird family doctor in Clintonville sent me home with a couple of jars. my directive? to collect a sample. but these were no ordinary jars. these were huge jars. and i had to fill one of them to a certain line. kinda like some horrifying Double Dare challenge -- only the stakes were much, much higher. to this day, I have never met a mortal ordered to accomplish such a task. even maybel the bulldog is spared such demoralizing demands when i take her to the vet's office. she only has to fill a small baggie with with stuff. i met a girl once who had to collect a swab, but never a jar. a jar. so, to make a long story short, the first round was pitiful. i hadn't eaten in years, and i didn't even make it to the 20 percent line. if i remember correctly, the stuff couldn't exactly sit around very long. i had to run it over to the lab when i was ready, and it was an all-or-nothing sort of situation. you can't deliver 20 percent of the goods. so now what? exactly. and if you're wondering what a girl does with a jar she couldn't fill, i'll refer you to the story of Original Sin. you see, when adam and eve ate the fruit from the Tree of Life, shame quickly became the foundation of the human condition. at first, after becoming frighteningly aware of their own nakedness, they sewed some fig leaves together in a meager attempt to cover themselves. then, when the couple heard the sound of the lord as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, they hid from him. they hid behind some trees. and at that moment in time, i, too, knew the raw power of nakedness and shame. so i hid. the jar, that is. i hid the jar in a closet, for fear that my husband would find out my doctor's orders. at the time, i couldn't bring myself to tell him what i had to do. even after two years of marriage, i didn't want to talk about the -- what's another euphemism? -- situation. so i sealed the jar in the bright orange biohazard baggie, and i put it in a place that maybe even god wouldn't know about. i vowed to throw it away in the cover of darkness. the next day, my second attempt was more fruitful, if you will, and after i had done my part, my diagnosis was handed down by Doc Demoralizer. turns out i had "stomach bug" or something equally as vague, and i was told to stay away from crackers (THE BUGS FEED ON THE CRACKERS) and i ate a couple greasy cheeseburgers and was cured in a few short days. true story. in my elated state of mind -- i'm a girl who loves to eat, mind you, and i had been able to for the first time in weeks -- i forgot about the terrible thing i had done in a moment of weakness. i discovered the Jar of Shame when we moved a few months later. i managed to slip the biohazard bag into the trash without anyone noticing. on earth, at least. everyone knows you can't hide your shit from jesus. (there is a deeply meaningful religious parable in there. i can feel it.)

posted by Class of 2000 officers @ 9:30 PM

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Name: Class of 2000 officers Home: Columbus, Ohio, United States About Me: See my complete profile Boiling down and dressing up mundane since 2004. Proudly serving as Google's #3 reference for Megan Pringle hot since 2007, and Google's #2 reference for "claudia schiffer"+"gold pants" since 2007.
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Name: Seth Alias: Teth Seter or Steter. In Brief: The Steter in his natural habitat. Married to theteet.blogspot.com since August 2004. Often the victim of serious hyperbole. Handy. Hates: Noise, Dominion Homes, above-the-nipple touching, when people get 'handsy.' Loves: pies (of any kind), dirt, smoking a pipe after eating pie. also, cows. Name: Maybel Alias: The Pig or Boobles. In Brief: Kentucky-born English Bulldog since February 2006. Hates: Watermelon. All other kinds of melon. The sound of a new trash bag being opened and sitting in the back seat. Loves: Treats, walks, Charlie, 'humping it out' and barfing. Name: Amanda Alias: The Sister. In Brief: theteet's younger (but larger) sister. Survived a brain bleed in February 2007. Hates: minor inconveniences that make her blurt out uncontrollably, brain bleeds. Loves: UFC, cornhole, texting, fast food and her dog Charlie. Name: mom and dad. Alias: the 'rents. In Brief: Ashland natives and frequent visitors. They taught me how to swear. Hates: hospitals. Loves: squirrels and lattes. Name: Mae Alias: Klingler or Maddog. In Brief: Cincinnati resident and former college/Old Towne East roommate. Once wrote a song that made theteet cry. Hates: Hate. Loves: Jesus, family, puns, guitars and gardening. Name: Colleen Alias: Crankin and Rankin. In Brief: Akron resident and former college roomie. Arguably more handy than Seth. Nice bosom for hugging. Hates: all drivers. Loves: beer, coffee, cigarettes and boys we all find strange. Name: Talya Alias: Strader and Sweet T. In Brief: Chicago resident and former college roomie. served brief stint at theteet's 'accountability partner.' collects monthly fee for keeping quiet. Hates: people who do not comment on her blog. Loves: social justice, eggs, her boyfriend monsterbeard and the occupation of barista. Name: Chris Alias: Christopher, Monsterbeard and Nadine. In Brief: Chicago resident and college buddy. Maker of 'We once waited up in the dark with a gun,' and other misadventures. Hates: people who are looking the other way. Loves: history, film, his girlfriend Strader and acronyms. Name: pdawg. Alias: none needed. In Brief: Former co-worker who is willing to eat waffles with theteet at 4 in the morning regardless of level of snow emergency. Hates: anyone under the age of 35. Loves: Hostess pies, old man rants and golf. Name: Linsly. Alias: MERLIN, lin or newbie. In Brief: Former co-worker who lived with us for a week. I can tell this kid anything. He's like a brother. Hates: sexual predators. Loves: zombies, guns, porch chats and movie quotes. Name: jaydubs. Alias: jwray and 10bagspacking. In Brief: Co-worker who taught me everything I know about the world. Hates: mean jokes, mushrooms, clipping fingernails in the office. Loves: crafts, her gay-together but also betrothed person Kyle, Columbus Bride Magazine, veggie-friendliness and basil. Name: jessica. Alias: jessm. In Brief: College buddy with the amazing handshake. I believe she might be back from Alaska and living in Hudson now. Hates: poverty. Loves: Jesus, jazz, geography and hilarious t-shirts. Name: brittiny. Alias: Brit-Brat, experimental dater or The Dunlap. In Brief: Former co-worker (notice a theme here?) who started with me at SNP on the same day. Former Sorority president taught me the ropes of being a lady. her wisdom did not take. Hates: visible pany line. Loves: cocktails, shoes, 'the blue box' and her boyfriend the Lizard. Name: garth and jen. Alias: not safe around house plants and the real spider-man and/or HSnothingswronghere. In Brief: Co-worker couple who proved themselves fun at work and on the farm. Periodically forced to kiss in gas station parking lots. Hates: local broadcast news reporters. Loves: zombies, movie quotes, Indianapolis and lin rice. Name: Angie. Alias: captain cool. In Brief: Former co-worker who stole my heart. She is the only thing I've ever lost to the Youngstown Vindicator. Hates: joe and misogynists. Loves: celebrity gossip, hilarious captions, biking/hiking, her boyfriend Jef, her mom and Columbus. Name: Melville. Alias: welcome to earf or bad town. In Brief: Former co-worker who let me inherit his seat at SNP. For a while, he was the only one who would talk Reynoldsburg politics with me. Hates: fleas, eminent domain and people who flip the bird. Loves: his evil cat, running, opinions, beer and Tom Waits. Name: The Gerish. Alias: The Gerish. In Brief: Co-worker and rare, elusive creature. If you're lucky, you'll see a tousle of black hair breeze by over the cubicle wall. Hates: Things that aren't crackers. Loves: crackers. Name: Dennis. Alias: secret reading. In Brief: Co-worker and rare, elusive creature. If you're lucky, he'll walk over and talk to you. But he probably won't. Once took my sister-in-law to Homecoming. Hates: The damn kids who walk in his yard. Loves: Corgis, Cedar Point and Rachael. But not the one you're thinking of.