27.11.06
Bangs, Ohio: Free Porn Edition
Ok, normally, when I stay at my sister's apartment on Monday nights, she is here, and not at all at her on-again-off-again campus boyfriend. not tonight.

Ah well. I've been wanting to scrounge through that panty drawer for a long time now. And that box of personal notes and trinkets and forget-me-nots? Consider them read, my darling.

Interesting holiday weekend to report.

There was the usual Thanksgiving halibut, mashed potatoes, gravy and pregnant ladies. And afterward, back in Bangs, well-fed, and lookin' for a fight, we completed the usual plumbing repairs, hanging of drywall and shoveling of bat poo out from the farmhouse attic. But then ... an HGTV-level If Walls Could Talk discovery.

Hey kids! It's a nice healthy stack of Hustlers circa 1978! Although many of the pages were stuck together (likely because of their age) we were able to make out a particularly disturbing series -- "Women as meat" -- involving condiments, and even greater still, a back cover advertisement of a ... (cover your ears, mother)... a do-it yourself home enema ... kit. Complete with naked ladies...plastic bags of poo.

This collection dovetails the erotic housewife novels we found in the barn. What kind of people lived in Bangs? Oh, Shirley and Tarlton Wayne. The 70s must have been mental for you.

Also, we found a book, The Bangs Gang, published by Bangs Publishing, Inc. of Mount Vernon, Ohio. I assume the company is now defunct, as there is no proof of their existence on the Internet. The book is a collection of short-story ramblings that make absolutely no sense, but otherwise looks professional. I'd guess many drugs were involved.

also, don't be caught off guard when flipping between a re-run of The Break-Up and The Chronicles of Narnia -- Starz has a free soft-core porn preview available for Dish subscribers this month.

The thing about nakedness is: sex is not a pretty thing -- even if, and this is rare, the humans involved are in peak physical condition. But that never happens. Most sex happens between two physically imperfects. The guy making your sub at the sandwich shop. The bank teller. The dude in the car rocking out with the bad hairdo. The Wal-Mart cashier. The guy in Borat -- these are the kind of people smearing together, reproducing, etc. Try not to think about it.

gross.

Speaking of panties, something happened at work last week to spawn the following list of Recommended Steps When a Male Co-worker Discovers That Misshapen Piece of Paper on the Floor Next to Your Desk is Actually Some Sort of Girly Product that has Somehow Loosed Itself from Your Purse:

1. Determine if the male grew up with any sisters in the home. If the answer is no, you're screwed. Skip to step No. 5.
2. Don't immediately pick up the item and shamefully hide it. Let it sit for a moment. Let the moment sink in. Let the moment breathe. Like the commercials with the panty liner and the bouncing red dot.
3. Acknowledging your embarrassment before you make a move toward the floor.
4. Reassure the man that everything is ok, and that such products will not spoil him in any way. Explain the female reproductive cycle, if a dry erase board is available.
5. Giggle uncontrollably for three hours (days?) every time you think about it.

Here's to life in the newsroom's Estrogen Circle, buddy. The year 2000. Sub the flasks and the typewriters for colorful drapes and chocolates. You knew what you were getting into when you sat down.
posted by Class of 2000 officers @ 7:36 PM  
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my first lover

user guide.


Name: Seth
Alias: Teth Seter or Steter.
In Brief: The Steter in his natural habitat. Married to theteet.blogspot.com since August 2004. Often the victim of serious hyperbole. Handy.
Hates: Noise, Dominion Homes, above-the-nipple touching, when people get 'handsy.'
Loves: pies (of any kind), dirt, smoking a pipe after eating pie. also, cows.

Name: Maybel
Alias: The Pig or Boobles.
In Brief: Kentucky-born English Bulldog since February 2006.
Hates: Watermelon. All other kinds of melon. The sound of a new trash bag being opened and sitting in the back seat.
Loves: Treats, walks, Charlie, 'humping it out' and barfing.


Name: Amanda
Alias: The Sister.
In Brief: theteet's younger (but larger) sister. Survived a brain bleed in February 2007.
Hates: minor inconveniences that make her blurt out uncontrollably, brain bleeds.
Loves: UFC, cornhole, texting, fast food and her dog Charlie.


Name: mom and dad.
Alias: the 'rents.
In Brief: Ashland natives and frequent visitors. They taught me how to swear.
Hates: hospitals.
Loves: squirrels and lattes.


Name: Mae
Alias: Klingler or Maddog.
In Brief: Cincinnati resident and former college/Old Towne East roommate. Once wrote a song that made theteet cry.
Hates: Hate.
Loves: Jesus, family, puns, guitars and gardening.


Name: Colleen
Alias: Crankin and Rankin.
In Brief: Akron resident and former college roomie. Arguably more handy than Seth. Nice bosom for hugging.
Hates: all drivers.
Loves: beer, coffee, cigarettes and boys we all find strange.


Name: Talya
Alias: Strader and Sweet T.
In Brief: Chicago resident and former college roomie. served brief stint at theteet's 'accountability partner.' collects monthly fee for keeping quiet.
Hates: people who do not comment on her blog.
Loves: social justice, eggs, her boyfriend monsterbeard and the occupation of barista.


Name: Chris
Alias: Christopher, Monsterbeard and Nadine.
In Brief: Chicago resident and college buddy. Maker of 'We once waited up in the dark with a gun,' and other misadventures.
Hates: people who are looking the other way.
Loves: history, film, his girlfriend Strader and acronyms.


Name: pdawg.
Alias: none needed.
In Brief: Former co-worker who is willing to eat waffles with theteet at 4 in the morning regardless of level of snow emergency.
Hates: anyone under the age of 35.
Loves: Hostess pies, old man rants and golf.


Name: Linsly.
Alias: MERLIN, lin or newbie.
In Brief: Former co-worker who lived with us for a week. I can tell this kid anything. He's like a brother.
Hates: sexual predators.
Loves: zombies, guns, porch chats and movie quotes.


Name: jaydubs.
Alias: jwray and 10bagspacking.
In Brief: Co-worker who taught me everything I know about the world.
Hates: mean jokes, mushrooms, clipping fingernails in the office.
Loves: crafts, her gay-together but also betrothed person Kyle, Columbus Bride Magazine, veggie-friendliness and basil.


Name: jessica.
Alias: jessm.
In Brief: College buddy with the amazing handshake. I believe she might be back from Alaska and living in Hudson now.
Hates: poverty.
Loves: Jesus, jazz, geography and hilarious t-shirts.


Name: brittiny.
Alias: Brit-Brat, experimental dater or The Dunlap.
In Brief: Former co-worker (notice a theme here?) who started with me at SNP on the same day. Former Sorority president taught me the ropes of being a lady. her wisdom did not take.
Hates: visible pany line.
Loves: cocktails, shoes, 'the blue box' and her boyfriend the Lizard.


Name: garth and jen.
Alias: not safe around house plants and the real spider-man and/or HSnothingswronghere.
In Brief: Co-worker couple who proved themselves fun at work and on the farm. Periodically forced to kiss in gas station parking lots.
Hates: local broadcast news reporters.
Loves: zombies, movie quotes, Indianapolis and lin rice.


Name: Angie.
Alias: captain cool.
In Brief: Former co-worker who stole my heart. She is the only thing I've ever lost to the Youngstown Vindicator.
Hates: joe and misogynists.
Loves: celebrity gossip, hilarious captions, biking/hiking, her boyfriend Jef, her mom and Columbus.

Name: Melville.
Alias: welcome to earf or bad town.
In Brief: Former co-worker who let me inherit his seat at SNP. For a while, he was the only one who would talk Reynoldsburg politics with me.
Hates: fleas, eminent domain and people who flip the bird.
Loves: his evil cat, running, opinions, beer and Tom Waits.


Name: The Gerish.
Alias: The Gerish.
In Brief: Co-worker and rare, elusive creature. If you're lucky, you'll see a tousle of black hair breeze by over the cubicle wall.
Hates: Things that aren't crackers.
Loves: crackers.


Name: Dennis.
Alias: secret reading.
In Brief: Co-worker and rare, elusive creature. If you're lucky, he'll walk over and talk to you. But he probably won't. Once took my sister-in-law to Homecoming.
Hates: The damn kids who walk in his yard.
Loves: Corgis, Cedar Point and Rachael. But not the one you're thinking of.

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