Here is what I said on my blog about being promoted to commentary editor for the first time last year:
"this is a good place to be, considering our company’s recent buyout and the big push toward the internets. (VODCAST OR DIE.) I could realistically be blogging for work by June. Everything is falling into place."
Since then, I have learned the consquences of speaking positively. As such, here is what I am saying about the departure of a man 20-30 percent my editor:
"This is the end of things. All who enter will be broke and soulless by the end of the month. I will develop boils. Fire and brimstone will fall on the earth."
i'm writing to apologize. this morning I cut-copied-and-pasted a blog entry for a column.
i got desperate, and acted in a way that was disrespectful to the craft.
in any event, i can't promise it won't happen again.
i am the church. you are my flagpole.
sincerely,
theteet.wordpress.com, LLC.
i am blogging from a coffee shop at Kenyon College, which is also the only place you can find wifi on a Sunday within county borders.
it's like athens here -- only hippies are intermingled with a lot of girls wearing riding boots.
this is hotbed for liberal arts-educated white people. one guy is coloring with a box of 64 crayons. i have never seen such fancy sandwiches and hairdos.**
i should have changed out of my american eagle sweatshirt and my paint-stained jeans -- or should i have?
i recognize everyone here.
** Editor's note: everyone is an art history major and there is ORGANIC ketchup on the tables. I repeat: there is organic ketchup on the tables. over.
every time i joke about abandoning this wretched field and becoming a nurse, please take a shot. you'll be drunk very early in the week.
i love my job.
i'm speaking of my original job, which is writing columns for a suburban weekly paper in columbus. it's a ride on the ego train. it's perfect. i have my little platform where i vomit 800 words without anyone being physically capable of interrupting. people read my stuff and call or write in to talk to me about it. sometimes people about the neighborhood recognize me before i've even met them because my mugshot runs beside my columns. i love it when people write in crazy things about how they'd like me dead or injured, i love it when people write in to say they read regularly and that i really nailed it. i love it when people become inspired and ask if they can write something for print our papers. i love watching how media is changing under pressure. i love writing for money. i love being at the bottom of the scale of the industry. (i'm closer to you, mere mortals). i am the champion.
i love my new job, or at least the idea of it. it is an alternative weekly, meaning we aren't obligated to be a paper of record. those kids can write about anything they want. and there are smart people there who can make you sound a lot more clever than you are. it's true. they do. i love writing about the media. i love columbus. i am the champion.
lately i'm been thinking a lot about my mother and how she spent her 20s raising me and my sister and about how lucky i am to have received a college education and to have a job where i write for a living. my mom always wanted to go to school (you still do, don't you lady?) and i've been thinking about how she poured her whole youth into taking care of us, my grandpa and driving my dad's pants to Pennsylvania, apparently.
my mom does not have a single byline or published photo or plague or trophy to show for it. no one probably has called to recognize her good deed, and i'm pretty sure she hasn't received many letters confirming that yes, she is working and people see it. but in terms of the universe, her work means a lot more than any snarky column ever will. she wanted to be a marine biologist. or a counselor. but she served other human beings instead, with little or no recognition while being mostly taken advantage of by her family. she is the champion. she will be seated first in heaven.
so i am thinking again that it might be nice for a little while to have a job that flexes some different muscles. so i am thinking it might be nice for a while to have a job that's a little less about me-ness and a little less about having the best product or about keeping up with (or being the first to report) the goings-on and more about serving with no public recognition whatsoever. i'm talking about shaving old man balls, here.
maybe i'm being romantic, but researching some options, it seems that school for a different occupation could be a realistic option for me. it would take 2 years and it would be about $1,000-$2,000 a quarter. it might even be in my backyard, as a tech school recently opened a branch about 9 miles from my house. i've racked up many hours in nursing homes and hospitals, and these people really do make or break your stay. i've had nurses fight doctors and police officers for me. i've had them wipe my ass and i've had them wipe the asses of my closest family members. i've had them drain puss from my face and i've helped them roll gramps over for a healthy back scratch.
i'm not really grossed out by the concept of providing comfort and relief -- even if it involves inserting a catheter or two, escorting an old lady to brunch or whatever. Those things would be HUGE ego boosts for me. :)
hey. i'm wondering if i would be able to tear myself away from columbus and my fun ego job.
i'm wondering if i would be a terrible nurse.
i'm wondering if anyone else who is a nurse would please talk me out of it.
i'm wondering if i'd have the balls to change careers.
this morning i'm thinking 'eh, prolly not.'
It should come as no surprise to anyone, but Seth hates TV.
He calls it 'the idiot box' and becomes physically ill whenever he walks in on me taking a quick peek at, say, a Sex and the City episode.
He hates reality TV worst of all, and can often be found reading a book downstairs or building something in the house when I am watching Steve Gutenberg TEAR UP on Dancing with the Stars.
That is why I was so caught off guard when I heard him shout from the workshop last night: "Are we missing Idol?!"
See, Seth is in love with Brooke White.
She's no Bill Cohen, Barack Obama or Jon Husted, but Finally! Seth has a girl crush! It makes me feel less guilty for my vocal man crushes.
I do feel a little strange that all the girls he gets giddy over are just about the opposite of me when it comes to physical appearances: Cate Blanchett, the chick from the Cardigans, and Brooke, of course, among a whole host of blondes in the shape of an actual woman. Crap. The only brunettes he has shown affection for are the Knox County Coroner, (we still have her campaign literature on the fridge, I think) and Khallia Perrin.
hmm.
Anyway, we were watching last night, and I started taking mental notes. He may dispute these quotes, but most of them came in the heat of the moment. Plus, with DVR, he can rewind her performance and watch it over and over again. And he does:
"She is my sunshine."
"She makes me feel warm ... like a bunch of bluebirds are trying to burst out of me."
"I just want to write her a letter."
"I bet she smells like those phrases on fabric softeners. Only I bet she really does smell like a lavender waterfall."
"She's like the springtime in a woman-shaped bottle."
"No, no. It's not that I want to have sex with her," he said, as I was trying to explore his attraction to her. "It would be more of a pollination .... The wind would flow over my stamen."
...and that last one has a hand gesture that goes with it.
I'm not sure who is going to be more devastated when she is voted off. I'll lose my temporary TV partner.
I went to an SPJ thing moments ago about journalism and the interwebs. They played this clip, which I love, (but can't get to embed on the site). Almost as much as my favorite Onion video. Not everybody gets such quality industry references in popular culture.
Hi/
Umm, Jesus love me enough to let me hear from all sides.
It seems that a lot of folks 'round these parts are feeling the burn, so to speak.
I wish he would just leave me be and let me live my happy pagan lifestyle.
Lousy accepting christ as my personal savior. never let that one go, will ya killey mcgee?
(insert disciplinary lighting strike here)
(no, not that kind of Lightning Strike)
Anyway, Good Friday + dead friend + Jim Wallis + Barack Obama's speech on race + Family + Easter + Ham + discovering old pictures (!) = a weird week for the teetering soul of your teterbot.
Wouldn't it be easier if we were all Amish? We could settle this over apple butter.
The tides of life:
Every Friday, I curse my husband for dragging me home to the country
Every Sunday I curse myself for keeping my job in the big city.
Something magic happens between Friday night and Sunday evening that makes me appreciate the following things:
1.) Chickens, which are on back-order, but are scheduled to arrive by May.
2.) Floors, which are finished.
3.) Views, which are unobstructed by residential units.
4.) Deer, which are hilarious.
5.) 1,000 square feet of garden, which are in planning stages.
6.) Chestnut trees, which are pointy
7.) 52 board feet of Hickory, which are stair treads.
8.) Blackbirds, which are baked in a pie.
9.) Clotheslines, which are totally possible.
10.) Braided rugs, which are $800 if you don't make them yourself for $40.
I am the most-blessed.
You can be second.
1.) stuffwhitepeoplelike.com.
2.) Farai Chideya
3.) the black perspective.
Man, I only know maybe less than a dozen black people! I am so sheltered and sooooo Caucasian. I LOVE listening to NPR's News & Notes and thinking "Man! I wouldn't have even THOUGHT of that question! I am so oblivious to racial issues!" (Note to Lisa A: I'm not being sarcastic. I really do like these things.)
That's why I was drawn to this Slate article by Gary Douphin, which is a critique of stuffwhitepeoplelike.com:
I'll confess that part of my antipathy is just old-fashioned player hate. Nothing gets under my (colored, nearly-middle-aged) skin like the spectacle of a twentysomething white kid doing what twentysomething white kids do all the time, namely, play on some or another aspect of their race for smug fun and profit. Lander has already reportedly been offered a $350K-plus book deal from Random House. (Can a VH1 Special be very far behind?) People of color are constantly accused of playing various race cards, but "White boy makes good by being white" is hardly a man-bites-dog story.
Envy aside, though, SWPL also smells like a classic racial con-job. It goes without saying that the specific entries (Oscar parties?) don't really apply to anyone. That makes Lander's overall pose--and the uncritical response to it--the real action. You'd think from the approving hubbub that SWPL had discovered (white) America or something, but white comedians, academics, and artists have been thinking and cracking wise about "white" culture since before Lander was in, well, short pants (#86). Usually, even jokey talk about whiteness has a whiff of danger to it, but SWPL is likely the safest, most affable racial satire ever, a loving high-five between friends passing as critique.
Man! White people can even control the dial when it comes to their own racism in popular culture! Imagine if black people had been proprietors of, say, Birth of a Nation, or, like, Minstrels. Wait. This is loosely drawn. Neither are satire, but still. You get the idea. SWPL is mild. No credit for you! Imagine if things that really cut deep were listed, i.e. white people like (#110) Ignoring their own privilege, or (#112) asking black people about their hair, or (#118) saying that black people should be totally over slavery by now.
Speaking of, this might be the more hilarious site.
3.) I also love Benazir Bhutto.
This is only because of a few paragraphs I read of her book, and because of a comment her surrogate made on the Daily Show after her assassination.
This dude, her biographer, got really upset when Jon Stewart had Musharraf on the show last year and said he was "trivializing a dictator," to which Bhutto responded, "Lighten up, it's just a comedy show."
This woman fought extremism, tried to show the West the peaceful nature of Islam, and yet was able to brush off the fact that the man who pretty much represents all she was fighting against was drinking tea on an late-night cable comedy show.
Bummer alert.
For the CM crowd, our favorite abrasive chain-smoker man died this week at age 40.
He had some troubles and was in the office asking for work on Monday. I was asked if I'd like to go out and visit him and I said no, mostly because I was mildly afraid of him. Sort of wish i would have now. Not that anyone could have influenced the outcome -- when people make up their mind about that sort of thing, well, there's not a lot you can do -- but still, would have enjoyed one last smoker's rant with the old man before he left us.
He was rude and fun and bald and lovable in a weird way. He always complimented me on my writing, especially when I first started and had no idea what I was doing. Never really thought he was capable of some of the stuff people said he may have done. Damn, man.
Pray for his daughter, if you're into that sort of thing.
Services are tomorrow, and I think there are a handful of people here going if you're interested.
weird.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWe7wTVbLUU&hl=en]
Hi.
Can I tell you how heartbroken I'm going to be if this man is not elected president?
I am going to be crushed like worm.
This, by the way, seems like 'leadership.'
Just before hearing this tear-jerker of a speech earlier today, I was able to speak with Jim Wallis for a little bit for a column, which is great, because there's no safe way to keep my opinion out of this topic.
Sojourners is piloting a campaign of sorts called Justice Revival in, of all places, Columbus, Ohio.
We're going places, kid.
Four years ago, Jim Wallis created the Religious Left so that normal folks could exist in a Religious Middle somewhere between Sojourners and the Religious Right. He is a wise, sea-changing kind of man. But I wish that his group could address the religious divide that exists in our region (pastors suing pastors, pastors backing candidates, Reformation Ohio, We Believe, etc.) with the kind of humility and honesty seen above.
Teters declare unwavering dependence on foreign oil
In a press joint release filed today, the Teters declared their dependence on foreign oil.
"For far too long, the Teters have mistakenly tried to follow the dangerous path of sustainable living," said Teth Seter in a statement.
"Raising our own pig, growing our own food and making our own house were part of a national charade that threatened to end our peaceful existence and increased our vulnerability -- and it must end today."
Without foreign oil -- and lots of it -- the family would not be able to commute to work, to the library or to Lowe's Home Improvement Center, Lyndsey Teter said.
"Traveling to these places is very important to us. Foreign oil is our lifeblood. It's time we make that clear to the American people."
Reluctance to rely on foreign oil is not a new problem for the Teters.
"It took years for us to develop our addiciton to oil," Seth Teter said. "We were, at one point, willing to throw that away. Our economy and our national security were hurt by the fact that while living near our jobs, we relied on smaller amounts of foreign energy."
Despite such promising news, questions remain about the commercial viability of many large energy suppliers in the Middle East.
"The industry is threatened by several smaller, more sustainable start-ups -- some of which are based right here in our homeland," Lyndsey Teter said. "We hope others will bravely stand, as we have."
and i can't even secure jobs that have been offered to me.
oh. my. gawd.
this proabably represents 1/10 of the sum:
From:
Lyndsey Teter
To:
*SNP Edit ALL
Date:
3/12/08 12:21PM
Subject:
Mission Accomplished.
As chief legal counsel for Katie Dodson, I have been advised to cordially invite everyone in the newsroom to drink a celebratory (virgin) Irish Car Bomb in her honor on Friday, March 14 at Patrick J's Bar and Grill, 2711 N High St in Clintonville, Ohio 43202.
Miss Dodson has secured a job in the non-profit sector and will be dearly departing SNP after more than a year of dedicated service on Tuesday, March 18.
Gatherin' starts at quittin' time. Patio dancing begins roughly at 9.
From:
Lyndsey Teter
To:
*Photo; *SNP Edit ALL
Date:
11/27/07 10:16AM
Subject:
choose your own adventure
Nikki Bornhorst and David Cross are leaving and/or have left us. If you like Bikki more, go to paragraph A. If you prefer David, see paragraph B.
Paragraph A
After five years and at least one memorable (almost!) divorce party, Bikki Nornhorst will be leaving for greener pastures. Beginning -- tomorrow! -- she'll wander the money-lined tunnels of Shittelle, dabbling in philanthropy and/or going on all-night shoe shopping binges. Please join us Friday to toast her long and celebrated career at SNP. We will be meeting at Patrick J's after work. You better show up, or she'll buy you.
Paragraph B
Cross is leaving.
Let's get Krunked!
PJs. Friday after work.
<>>From: Jennifer Noblit
To: Ades, Richard; Aurand, Lisa; Bishop, Garth; Bornhorst, Nikki; Corvo, Kevin; Cross, David; Dodson, Katie; Gerish, Matt; Haskins, Marc; Johnson, Tim ; Jones, Greg; Konczal, Jeffery; Krumlauf, Tim; Kubera, Rosemary; Laycock, Dennis; Liebendorfer, Bret; Meyer, Joe; Perrin, Khalila; Proctor, Lisa; Radcliff, Kathleen; Somers, Meredith; Teter, Lyndsey; Todd, Lindsay; Willis, Pamela; Wiltshire, Cliff; Wray, Jennifer
Date: 8/15/07 3:00PM
Subject: So Long
Handbook be damned, I just wanted to say bye and let you know it was nice working with and getting to know you all.
I'm sure Teter will not fail in her party planning obligations, but my goodbye party will be next Thursday at Patrick J's. If you don't show up and say goodbye properly we'll all talk about how you had something in your teeth that one time.
From:
Lyndsey Teter
To:
*Photo; *SNP Edit ALL
Date:
4/26/07 5:10PM
Subject:
save the date!
CC:
Coyle, Melany; Palcsak, Terri; Tonar, Bil
We will be at Patrick J's Thursday, May 3 after work to celebrate Miss Katy Waters' departure to edit the First Business Magazine, as I understand it. Come or else! I hear this lady has been working with us for four years, and she don't take no sassin'.
-- party email written by LYNDSEY TETER with reports from JENNY WRAY
.
From:
Lyndsey Teter
To:
*SNP Edit ALL
Date:
4/4/07 11:32AM
Subject:
fun with fenner
Holly Fenner, known in some elite social circles as "Hot Softball Girl" is leaving us for greener pastures and fantastic OSU bennies in a mere 48 hours.
I have been a slacker getting this email out, but we will be gathering in her honor right after work on (Good) Friday at Patrick J's. Come hang out with her while she's still associating with non-university types.
.
>>> Lyndsey Teter 02/22/07 01:12 PM >>>
we'll be celebrating Angie's departure after work at the usual spot on Friday.
Stop by Patrick J's tomorrow to send this lady off with the same classically trendy no-nonsense style she brought to our newsroom each day. She will be greatly missed in the war-torn wasteland once known as the Estrogen Circle. And beyond, I'm guessing.
Perhaps she, like her predecessor, will come back to us with a hot Youngstownian bride in tow. In the meantime, Friday @ PJ's. Do it. And while you're at it, email Joe to ask for a casual day, because I've already played that card this month.
/
>>> Lyndsey Teter 02/14/07 01:31PM >>>
(Exclusive email invite edition)
Hey all -
While the rest of you slackers were home during Tuesday's Level Two snowstorm, it seems the talented Miss Brittiny Dunlap was able to leave this company after two-and-a-half years for the competition without spurring any sign of hatred or defamation of character.
Although our sweet Dunlap has left the building, she will be available for exit interviews Friday after work at Patrick J's.
Please join us in celebrating her time with us. (and/or to drown your sorrows at the news of her departure. whichever works)
Chris, as social coordinator of the sports department, you are responsible for telling the friendly sports reporters. Ben, you've been elected to help me tell those crazy photo kids. It's like herding cats over there.
it's hard to be a woman. and married. and totally crazy.
i'm mad because i couldn't find my shoe or my car keys and there is no sugar at the coffee station again this morning because our publisher is on vacation and he determines our rations but i mean come on, just put out two containers before you leave i mean cripes and i need to do laundry and this bra is terrible but we can't use the washer for four days because it's in front of the tiny patch of floors we have left to seal in this never-ending floor-sealing process and my shoe is probably in the front seat of my husband's car, but he didn't look carefully when i asked him to this morning after he got me up early and then decided at the last minute to drive in separately and last night i went to the state of the city address and it was late and i was downtown so i went to my starbucks and the hung out at the book loft and it was so lovely until i remembered that i had to drive home for like 96 minutes because my husband is crazy and brainwashed me into believing that it would be a good idea to move halfway to cleveland and it's really not fair because i got to live in columbus only for a few years and i would have liked to have stayed longer and then when i called him about the shoe he said it 'might be in there ... i didn't look very hard," which is mean, because if you leave town with someone else's shoe in your car, you should be more concerned about it and also i feel like he is terrible at finding things, and i feel like i have to look after him when it comes to finding things because if he said he already looked in the sofa, his wallet is probably in the sofa
... what I am increasingly interested in is stuff like where my food comes from, the effect it has on the environment, economy and what happened to the animal I am eating if we are talking about meat.
I am not a vegetarian but I often think that is probably the easiest way to avoid buying into the things that bother me - mistreatment of animals, weird chemicals or hormones injected into the animal and the depletion of our natural resources due to the amount of water (for the animals and for the food THEY eat) used up and also amount of fuel used to get said food from wherever point A is to point B (being my mouth.)
When I hear people say stuff like this, it excites me almost as much as if I were to hear them say, "I have been thinking about reading up on Jesus Christ," or something.
It's just that I had that pig slaughtered, so I think I know everything. It's just that it's rare - although the scales are tipping - to have people interested in consumption -- at least beyond how it affects the wallet, right? We would rather not believe that our chicken dinner was once alive and running around. And as a result we're MISSING such a huge part of the worship that a 'meal' should be -- and a meal should BE something because it represents sacrifice -- probably at least of an animal's life -- and likely countless hours of human labor and travel and packaging and warehouses and big box grocer's and etc.
Have you read Omnivore's Dilemma? That's a good one. Also, I've heard about, but have yet to check out a book called Plenty, about a couple who ate locally for one year, which is all the rage these days.
Without preaching too much, I feel like I have a unique viewpoint because of my husband's job. Here's the deal on that. The Athens Hippy in me would love to label everything a 'factor farm' and set all mass-produced cows and pigs and chickens and eggs aside as 'bad.'
There is a disconnection from the industry of farming, which makes it easy to believe this, but it's obviously not as easy or as clear-cut as that. Think of it. How many farmers do you know? None. Because, like, seven families in total do that for a living in Ohio.
And there are a lot of lies on both sides of the argument, especially about what is healthy for the livestock and/or makes them happy. And we don't know any better because we've never raised chickens, so we assume that they're much healthier Ranging Free Without Cages, but this is not always the case. Example fact? Free range chickens have a higher mortality rate. This is because they are more susceptible to disease, broken bones and fighting with other chickens.
I'm not saying cages are ideal, but just some food for thought. and I'm not claiming to be an expert about chickens. (They're on their way in the mail -- I'll let you know!) I can give you more examples if you want, but the point is that we're WAY BEYOND DUMB about the health and comfort and safety needs of livestock, and we project human needs and emotions onto them instead of studying the science of animal behavior (booooooring!).
But there are many many many farming families who love the earth and love their animals and treat them with respect, even if they have like, one million animals. Farm families have to buy each other out and consolidate their farms to stay in business. A famiily with 1,000 hogs suddenly operates with 2,500 of their neighbor's hogs. Then they become a 'concentrated animal feeding operation," or a 'factory farm.'
Seth has talked to these people, and many of them are scared and confused. They're not backward or dumb. They're smart at operating their farms, but they're disconnected from the consumer. And they're workaholics. Don't spend much time on the blogosphere. And worst of all, they probably don't have high-speed internet access, let alone an organized plan to combat the major public relations problems because of some of the misleading material that comes from groups like PETA or the Humane Society of the United States. (I said SOME.)
These farmers are also horrified about the videos that are circulating and the way that bad farmers are treating their animals, giving them a bad rap.
That said, we all know about the 'factory farmers' who are doing horrible things to their animals and spitting in the face of creation. And good farmers need to be pushed by consumers to beef up their organic production, and sustainable practices should be rewarded with CASH, but the government subsidies given to farmers are mostly retarded.
So that's my boilerplate "other side" of the factory farm debate. My check from the Farm Bureau is in the mail, I'm sure. But seriously, I believe in the good, honest farmers that my husband writes profile stories about because Seth is conscious of his food consumption as well, and although he can tow the company line, he also tells me what he really thinks while we are in the grocery store. and he is the only person I know who has actually been inside a factory farm.
It looks like you're right on with the process, Lemonscarlet. At least from what little I know or little perspective I've been blessed with. Ask questions. Visit farms. Form a relationship with the people who make your food, or grow your own. That's the best way, but also the most impossible. I will sell you a quarter of our meat cow when we get our barn in working order. Animals love living and dying with the Teters.
this is funny.
you know Hillary Clinton's infamous 'red phone ad' with no actual red phone in it?
the little girl in the ad is actually a hardcore Obama supporter.
oh, the woes of 8-year-old stock footage.
That Pennsylvania (AVENUE?!?!) joke?
I was the first one to say it. It's mine.
Also, sorry for the anger last night. I was totally wasted.
I know at least two intelligent people (read: racist hope-haters) who voted for Hillz, and I don't think this was a terrible decision on their part. In my opinion, we are choosing between better, good and acceptable, so good for us. God Bless America. Seriously though, two things: 1.) that Onion article is hilarious, and 2.) Doesn't Hillary know that she shouldn't say things like "Ohio knows how to pick a president," considering our current circumstance?
Also, Obama has been showing a bit of arrogance lately, and that bothers me. I think he's missed several opportunities to prove his character. AND I think the media is retarded (no offense to the mentally disabled) for attributing the win to this Red Phone Ad.
SHE HAD A 20-POINT LEAD IN BOTH THESE STATES A LITTLE BIT AGO, AHOLES. WAY TO ENCOURAGE THE DIRTIES.
and now I'm angry again. and faux-swearing.
Now, you probably waste a whole lotta good-fishin' Saturdays readin' yourself the papers, watchin' all the talk on the TV, and sittin' around thinkin' real hard about which way you gonna vote. Well, it's a real shame, then, ain't it, that all that time you spend in real careful considerin' don't count for nothin', once my vote runs y'all's right off the road.
Shoot, neighbor, if there's one type'a guy you don't want in charge, it's some damn weaklin' in the White House what won't kick enough ass. Bush, that guy we got now, he kicked him some ass in that old desert. And Bush's daddy? He kicked him some ass, too. Reagan? Kicked all the ass he could, and some they said he shouldn't! But Clinton? Barely no ass-kickin' at all. Just got his ol' joint tugged by a fat girl, and hell, I could do that down by the Dew Drop Inn off I-78. What's the damn use of bein' the Commander-Chief if that's all you're gonna do? Face it, bein' president is a job of work for ass-kickers, and if you say otherwise, hell, I got a vote here what totally negates yours.
So maybe you ain't a patriot like I am. Now, when I say patriot, I'm talkin' about most of our athletes, country-music stars, and guys like me what agree with them. So, say you ain't a patriot, and you're fixin' to vote up a candidate what's some limpo what'll give in to the crybaby liberals, the damn screechin' women, the commies at the United Nations, and the other America-haters. Fine by me! I got a vote here that does just as much good as yours, and mine's marked "No Limpos!"
Or say you wanna take away the money we need for our Army tanks and rifles and fightin' planes what let us keep our eternal vigilance of freedom by invadin' other countries. And say you want to give it to the damn schoolteachers, which let me tell you never done old Duane any damn good, and still, they most times drive a newer car than I do. I learned all I got from my daddy—another guy without any fancy book smarts, by the way. If he didn't need them books, then why do anybody else? Well, hey, I might not be educated, but I do got me a big ol' flag, $300 from the government, and a president that, like I told you before, kicked him some ass. It's things like that what make me happy my vote gonna meet y'all's toe-to-toe and take it down!
Plus, what's more, I got to see Saddam get his ass throwed in jail. That's a big ol' switch-a-dilly from a few years ago, when Saddam was runnin' around free while Duane was in the tank, let me tell you.
So maybe you think what we got here is one a them Mexican pissin' matches, what with my vote and your vote both bein' worth the exact same. But I tell you what! There's all the guys workin' down here at the budget-transmission shop with me, and the guys at the body shop across the way, and the car-battery dismantlin' yard. Plus, there's all our pals at the Dew Drop off 78, and all our other pals at the County Dragaway, and our big ol' families, and our wives, for those what have 'em. Read me? In this next election, whenever they set it to come around, we gonna go up agin' all you guys at the coffee shop and the library. Now, if you ain't noticed, we got a lot more parkin' lot space down at the racetrack and the Farm & Fleet store than y'all do out in front of your bookstores and muffin shops. All of us add up real quick, and our votes do a damn bunch more than just cancel out all y'all's!
Shit, somehow we do it ever' time we need to keep the damn school board from gettin' uppity on us.
So hey, man, have fun readin' up and debatin' and thinkin' on what you gonna mark down on your votin' papers this year. Duane ain't thought too much yet about which way his vote's gonna go. But somethin' tells me, friend, it ain't gonna be the same as y'alls!
Ah, heck. That was obligatory rage. You know I'm kidding. I'm actually pretty happy that we have three viable candidates -- one a wo-man and one a black-man. and one a moderate republican who i used to wish would run for president back when the Daily Show was funny.
And Obama gives one helluva concession speech, so either way, everybody wins. Plus the Steter voted for Obama, which means that I don't have to be withholding. It's a damn shame that threat didn't carry Knox County.
Franklin County? You're cool.*
Let's crack the Celebratory Vermont Champagne and press on to Pennsylvania (AVENUE?!) shall we?
*It appears that Cincytown, Cleveland and Dayton are also "cool." and Delaware? Okay, sure. made some inroads in Mount Vernon ... wait. who? how did she actually ... ?
I'm afraid that goat-herder remark will only solidify those asinine email forwards on Myspace. I'm looking at you, William Joseph.
I don't know if it's the high from the Waterlocks sealant or genuine emotion, but I am glowing.
We put the first coat of finish on our new floors last night.
Pictures are coming for the droves glued to their computer screens. (REFRESH! REFRESH!)
My parents were in town last night for my mother's birthday dinner. They ended up paying, which was bogus, but they both concluded that they hadn't seen us this happy since maybe our wedding day.
Afterward, Seth dreamt that he married Cate Blanchett, (who had been in love with him for quite some time despite his neglect in their previous relationship,) and I dreamt that Barack Obama finally acknowledged his appreciation for all the subtle one-on-one campaigning I have been doing as of late. (I was the little spoon!)
PLUS, we killed that pesky mouse who had been eating all our peanut butter.
We decided over breakfast that in our present state of mind, ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.
We are Champions of the People.
Elation.
Name: Seth
Alias: Teth Seter or Steter.
In Brief: The Steter in his natural habitat. Married to theteet.blogspot.com since August 2004. Often the victim of serious hyperbole. Handy.
Hates: Noise, Dominion Homes, above-the-nipple touching, when people get 'handsy.'
Loves: pies (of any kind), dirt, smoking a pipe after eating pie. also, cows.
Name: Maybel
Alias: The Pig or Boobles.
In Brief: Kentucky-born English Bulldog since February 2006.
Hates: Watermelon. All other kinds of melon. The sound of a new trash bag being opened and sitting in the back seat.
Loves: Treats, walks, Charlie, 'humping it out' and barfing.
Name: Amanda
Alias: The Sister.
In Brief: theteet's younger (but larger) sister. Survived a brain bleed in February 2007.
Hates: minor inconveniences that make her blurt out uncontrollably, brain bleeds.
Loves: UFC, cornhole, texting, fast food and her dog Charlie.
Name: mom and dad.
Alias: the 'rents.
In Brief: Ashland natives and frequent visitors. They taught me how to swear.
Hates: hospitals.
Loves: squirrels and lattes.
Name: Mae
Alias: Klingler or Maddog.
In Brief: Cincinnati resident and former college/Old Towne East roommate. Once wrote a song that made theteet cry.
Hates: Hate.
Loves: Jesus, family, puns, guitars and gardening.
Name: Colleen
Alias: Crankin and Rankin.
In Brief: Akron resident and former college roomie. Arguably more handy than Seth. Nice bosom for hugging.
Hates: all drivers.
Loves: beer, coffee, cigarettes and boys we all find strange.
Name: Talya
Alias: Strader and Sweet T.
In Brief: Chicago resident and former college roomie. served brief stint at theteet's 'accountability partner.' collects monthly fee for keeping quiet.
Hates: people who do not comment on her blog.
Loves: social justice, eggs, her boyfriend monsterbeard and the occupation of barista.
Name: Chris
Alias: Christopher, Monsterbeard and Nadine.
In Brief: Chicago resident and college buddy. Maker of 'We once waited up in the dark with a gun,' and other misadventures.
Hates: people who are looking the other way.
Loves: history, film, his girlfriend Strader and acronyms.
Name: pdawg.
Alias: none needed.
In Brief: Former co-worker who is willing to eat waffles with theteet at 4 in the morning regardless of level of snow emergency.
Hates: anyone under the age of 35.
Loves: Hostess pies, old man rants and golf.
Name: Linsly.
Alias: MERLIN, lin or newbie.
In Brief: Former co-worker who lived with us for a week. I can tell this kid anything. He's like a brother.
Hates: sexual predators.
Loves: zombies, guns, porch chats and movie quotes.
Name: jaydubs.
Alias: jwray and 10bagspacking.
In Brief: Co-worker who taught me everything I know about the world.
Hates: mean jokes, mushrooms, clipping fingernails in the office.
Loves: crafts, her gay-together but also betrothed person Kyle, Columbus Bride Magazine, veggie-friendliness and basil.
Name: jessica.
Alias: jessm.
In Brief: College buddy with the amazing handshake. I believe she might be back from Alaska and living in Hudson now.
Hates: poverty.
Loves: Jesus, jazz, geography and hilarious t-shirts.
Name: brittiny.
Alias: Brit-Brat, experimental dater or The Dunlap.
In Brief: Former co-worker (notice a theme here?) who started with me at SNP on the same day. Former Sorority president taught me the ropes of being a lady. her wisdom did not take.
Hates: visible pany line.
Loves: cocktails, shoes, 'the blue box' and her boyfriend the Lizard.
Name: garth and jen.
Alias: not safe around house plants and the real spider-man and/or HSnothingswronghere.
In Brief: Co-worker couple who proved themselves fun at work and on the farm. Periodically forced to kiss in gas station parking lots.
Hates: local broadcast news reporters.
Loves: zombies, movie quotes, Indianapolis and lin rice.
Name: Angie.
Alias: captain cool.
In Brief: Former co-worker who stole my heart. She is the only thing I've ever lost to the Youngstown Vindicator.
Hates: joe and misogynists.
Loves: celebrity gossip, hilarious captions, biking/hiking, her boyfriend Jef, her mom and Columbus.
Name: Melville.
Alias: welcome to earf or bad town.
In Brief: Former co-worker who let me inherit his seat at SNP. For a while, he was the only one who would talk Reynoldsburg politics with me.
Hates: fleas, eminent domain and people who flip the bird.
Loves: his evil cat, running, opinions, beer and Tom Waits.
Name: The Gerish.
Alias: The Gerish.
In Brief: Co-worker and rare, elusive creature. If you're lucky, you'll see a tousle of black hair breeze by over the cubicle wall.
Hates: Things that aren't crackers.
Loves: crackers.
Name: Dennis.
Alias: secret reading.
In Brief: Co-worker and rare, elusive creature. If you're lucky, he'll walk over and talk to you. But he probably won't. Once took my sister-in-law to Homecoming.
Hates: The damn kids who walk in his yard.
Loves: Corgis, Cedar Point and Rachael. But not the one you're thinking of.
we have to add baseboards and outlet covers, but you get the idea.
For a play-by-play, visit 
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