10.5.07
Baby's First Special Guest Column.

My dad worked most of my 18-and-under life in the factory as a maintenance guy tinkering with million-dollar plastic injection molds, punching a clock, etc. Then one day some company in Ashland plucked him from the ranks and put a tie on him. Dad has flourished as a white collar dude. He has what, now -- maybe four monthly columns in plastics biz publications. I always assumed I received all the right-brain stuff from my 4.0 stellar-scholar Mama. But I'm starting to wonder if maybe there is a little rhythm and rhyme inherited from the Old Steve Johnson. Anyway, to be sure, I assigned a 400-word creative writing assignment, because I honestly can't always get through those mold maintenance columns. No offense, pops. This is what he gave me RE: Watching his youngest in the hospital for last week's laser treatment. It's sweet. FYI, he calls her Mandika, as in, the east-African tribe. No one is completely sure why.


She let out the first of a few minor whimpers when she spotted the aluminum frame and mounting tools on doctor's table. Too much late-night Web time spent reading halo horror stories the night before had her imagination in overdrive. Mine too.

With his very expensive – and shaking – hands, the doctor shut his eyes and proceeded to tighten the sharply-tipped screws through the skin and into the skull of my wide-eyed and un-morphed beautiful sweet baby girl.

I wanted to close my eyes, too, but one of us had to be watching. With a vise grip on her mother’s hand, my Mandinka warrior took the pain. Many times over. One shot of Novocain with an equestrian-looking needle at the four “points-of-entry,” as he called it, then came the screw tightened through the skin into the skull. Shit man – no way. Knock me out or let me die.

But we were not done yet. It seems the four screws needed to be properly torqued down with – are you kidding me? A freakin' torque wrench. Will he use a radial or cross-over pattern to even out the squeeze? I tried to force myself to ponder. But it was too real. I could not find a happy place.

Slowly he turned each screw with the torque-wrench while we all waited for the damn thing to click, telling us the screws were driven deep enough into her skull to hold her head steady. The halo would be bolted to another intimidating piece of steel framework during the laser blasting. And how was your day?

Then, for good measure, or maybe just to see if he could make me pass out, he re-tightened all four screws to hear the click one more time. Like closing a gas cap.

It was close. Sitting as upright as I could, this surreal scene was most definitely testing the quality and volume of Johnson testosterone. My contorted face caused the observant brain doctor inquire if I was okay, which shifted everyone’s pitiful expression to me. Asshole.

How would it look if dad collapsed into a fetal position at her feet while she sits there and takes the real pain with barely a tear? Those are moments that last forever.

Damn I was proud of her, and just as happy when nine hours later, this Frankinsteinish procedure was finally over. So let the healing begin. And hers too.

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posted by Class of 2000 officers @ 11:55 AM  
1 Comments:
  • At 10 May, 2007 13:55, Blogger crankin said…

    those johnsons, they really are amazing... moral fiber... character... strength... writing ability. i am proud to know you all.

     
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my first lover

user guide.


Name: Seth
Alias: Teth Seter or Steter.
In Brief: The Steter in his natural habitat. Married to theteet.blogspot.com since August 2004. Often the victim of serious hyperbole. Handy.
Hates: Noise, Dominion Homes, above-the-nipple touching, when people get 'handsy.'
Loves: pies (of any kind), dirt, smoking a pipe after eating pie. also, cows.

Name: Maybel
Alias: The Pig or Boobles.
In Brief: Kentucky-born English Bulldog since February 2006.
Hates: Watermelon. All other kinds of melon. The sound of a new trash bag being opened and sitting in the back seat.
Loves: Treats, walks, Charlie, 'humping it out' and barfing.


Name: Amanda
Alias: The Sister.
In Brief: theteet's younger (but larger) sister. Survived a brain bleed in February 2007.
Hates: minor inconveniences that make her blurt out uncontrollably, brain bleeds.
Loves: UFC, cornhole, texting, fast food and her dog Charlie.


Name: mom and dad.
Alias: the 'rents.
In Brief: Ashland natives and frequent visitors. They taught me how to swear.
Hates: hospitals.
Loves: squirrels and lattes.


Name: Mae
Alias: Klingler or Maddog.
In Brief: Cincinnati resident and former college/Old Towne East roommate. Once wrote a song that made theteet cry.
Hates: Hate.
Loves: Jesus, family, puns, guitars and gardening.


Name: Colleen
Alias: Crankin and Rankin.
In Brief: Akron resident and former college roomie. Arguably more handy than Seth. Nice bosom for hugging.
Hates: all drivers.
Loves: beer, coffee, cigarettes and boys we all find strange.


Name: Talya
Alias: Strader and Sweet T.
In Brief: Chicago resident and former college roomie. served brief stint at theteet's 'accountability partner.' collects monthly fee for keeping quiet.
Hates: people who do not comment on her blog.
Loves: social justice, eggs, her boyfriend monsterbeard and the occupation of barista.


Name: Chris
Alias: Christopher, Monsterbeard and Nadine.
In Brief: Chicago resident and college buddy. Maker of 'We once waited up in the dark with a gun,' and other misadventures.
Hates: people who are looking the other way.
Loves: history, film, his girlfriend Strader and acronyms.


Name: pdawg.
Alias: none needed.
In Brief: Former co-worker who is willing to eat waffles with theteet at 4 in the morning regardless of level of snow emergency.
Hates: anyone under the age of 35.
Loves: Hostess pies, old man rants and golf.


Name: Linsly.
Alias: MERLIN, lin or newbie.
In Brief: Former co-worker who lived with us for a week. I can tell this kid anything. He's like a brother.
Hates: sexual predators.
Loves: zombies, guns, porch chats and movie quotes.


Name: jaydubs.
Alias: jwray and 10bagspacking.
In Brief: Co-worker who taught me everything I know about the world.
Hates: mean jokes, mushrooms, clipping fingernails in the office.
Loves: crafts, her gay-together but also betrothed person Kyle, Columbus Bride Magazine, veggie-friendliness and basil.


Name: jessica.
Alias: jessm.
In Brief: College buddy with the amazing handshake. I believe she might be back from Alaska and living in Hudson now.
Hates: poverty.
Loves: Jesus, jazz, geography and hilarious t-shirts.


Name: brittiny.
Alias: Brit-Brat, experimental dater or The Dunlap.
In Brief: Former co-worker (notice a theme here?) who started with me at SNP on the same day. Former Sorority president taught me the ropes of being a lady. her wisdom did not take.
Hates: visible pany line.
Loves: cocktails, shoes, 'the blue box' and her boyfriend the Lizard.


Name: garth and jen.
Alias: not safe around house plants and the real spider-man and/or HSnothingswronghere.
In Brief: Co-worker couple who proved themselves fun at work and on the farm. Periodically forced to kiss in gas station parking lots.
Hates: local broadcast news reporters.
Loves: zombies, movie quotes, Indianapolis and lin rice.


Name: Angie.
Alias: captain cool.
In Brief: Former co-worker who stole my heart. She is the only thing I've ever lost to the Youngstown Vindicator.
Hates: joe and misogynists.
Loves: celebrity gossip, hilarious captions, biking/hiking, her boyfriend Jef, her mom and Columbus.

Name: Melville.
Alias: welcome to earf or bad town.
In Brief: Former co-worker who let me inherit his seat at SNP. For a while, he was the only one who would talk Reynoldsburg politics with me.
Hates: fleas, eminent domain and people who flip the bird.
Loves: his evil cat, running, opinions, beer and Tom Waits.


Name: The Gerish.
Alias: The Gerish.
In Brief: Co-worker and rare, elusive creature. If you're lucky, you'll see a tousle of black hair breeze by over the cubicle wall.
Hates: Things that aren't crackers.
Loves: crackers.


Name: Dennis.
Alias: secret reading.
In Brief: Co-worker and rare, elusive creature. If you're lucky, he'll walk over and talk to you. But he probably won't. Once took my sister-in-law to Homecoming.
Hates: The damn kids who walk in his yard.
Loves: Corgis, Cedar Point and Rachael. But not the one you're thinking of.

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