6.7.06
Country Living: A Transformation of the Mind, Volume One -- Pests.
Because every so often here at theteet.blogspot.com, we like to talk about our newly-acquired house. (sorry)

So my strategy thus far has been 187 on bees, spiders, ticks, mice, raccoons (accidentally) and anything else I can get my paws on. Whether in the shower, the car, the corner or the pantry, if you are a living creature weighing less than 10 pounds, I will kill you. Smashing is the most common form of destruction, although reports say vacuuming, washing down the drain, vehicular homicide and poisoning have led to untimely demise in the 6700 block of Possum Street.

As has been said, it's a good thing Seth and I decided to move out into the country so I can rampage on everything within 50 feet of my house.

So, you people are wise. What do you think? Are we to live in harmony with these beings? Are we to accept the creepy crawlies as they wander through our home, eating from our pantry and hogging the remote? Or are we permitted to act out in such a violent way? We are technically living on their turf now. I know some of you have (unsuccessfully) consulted counsel to draft contracts with the bees, but what about non-compliance?

There is something romantic and Disney-like about taking the life of an animal or something and then slipping into the circle of life for a moment to send the animal's spirit on to beastly heaven. Does anyone know what I'm talking about here? But instead I find myself reacting with pure hatred ... with blood dripping from my hands and a curious bulldog waiting anxiously to eat the carcass.

This is first step towards being mentally capable of raising, loving, slaughtering and eating our first Possum Street steer, by the way.

Advise.
posted by Class of 2000 officers @ 12:13 PM  
4 Comments:
  • At 06 July, 2006 12:42, Blogger WJ Melville said…

    Your anthropomorphism is part of the problem! It's all instinct from those critters ... just as it is your instinct to burn (the ticks) and squash (everything else).

     
  • At 06 July, 2006 15:46, Blogger Monsterbeard said…

    As I consider myself an expert on insect-human relations, I will "spill the beans."

    First off, bees. Bees living within your home (ie, indoor, trapped in your loofa) are to be terminated on site, as they know their place is outdoors. Bees outside, unless they cause an immediate danger to you or your pets, should be told with a loud voice that a bee treaty is in effect and if they obey, no harm will come to them. Wasps, however, cannot be trusted and will surely strike at every opportunity.

    Spiders inside the home must be given the chance to leave. Again, with a loud voice, announce a 24 hour ceasefire during which time they must vacate the premises. If they fail to do so, they are to be terminated.

    Anything smaller should be terminated on site without hesitation or remorse. Anything larger and an attempt should be made to rid it through non-violent action, although these attempts are bypassed if the homeowner's frustration level rises to combination-curse word level (you know what I mean).

    Any other questions should be answered with termination first. It is better to be safe than eggs laid in your ears.

     
  • At 07 July, 2006 12:52, Blogger A. Nonnymuss said…

    Kill, young Teter, kill.
    The dark side of The Force is powerful.

     
  • At 11 July, 2006 13:54, Blogger Merlin said…

    There is a reason we are the dominant species on this planet. It is our ability, through brains or brawn, to kill any other creature we may stumble upon (this is why we have omnivorous teeth). There is one vital reason for which you should kill those creatures that violate your own personal lair - because you can. If the tables were turned and they were bigger than you, they'd probably just eat you and lay eggs in your corpse.

     
Post a Comment
<< Home
 
About Me

Name: Class of 2000 officers

Home: Columbus, Ohio, United States

About Me:
See my complete profile

Boiling down and dressing up mundane since 2004.

Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Proudly serving as Google's #3 reference for Megan Pringle hot since 2007, and Google's #2 reference for "claudia schiffer"+"gold pants" since 2007.

for our boss.
i'm glad you're here.
for public officials, etc.
welcome wagon.
buzz.

"The perfect amount ... of panache."

-- Blogspot's Mae Klingler

"Funny and insightful..."

--Diaryland's Lemonscarlet

"I read your blog the other day."

--Jim Woods, Dispatch reporter

"You're not putting that on the Internet, are you?"

--family and friends

we must stop meeting like this.
klingler. rankin. strader. Nadine. i talked to her once and she was hilarious. jessm. Do the Dew. newbie. SJP. welcome to earf. the original spiderman. not safe around house plants. pencils from heaven. aholeonapc. e-normal. nevada. Look, ma. KT. name without a face. knows how to party. secret reading. bobservations. filipiak boy. filipiak girl. My sis, the blonde. Wogan's Heroes.
on notice.
blagers.
blager girls. blager boy.
i heart internets.
passiveagressivenotes. apostrophe abuse. literally the best thing on the Web. too much cute.
previously on.
you saw it here first.
visuals.

theteet in pictures.

i heart internet two.
for pervs. freestyle nollie. free love freeway. NEW AMAZING FOOTAGE. jesus the hot air balloon. bubbles. aokusa. Gold Pants. fashion. Watch This Movie. the man who is always there for you is always here. Lambuel. cartoons. farming is fun!

I was on the front porch, drowning a mouse in a bucket when this van pulled up, which was strange.

my first lover

user guide.


Name: Seth
Alias: Teth Seter or Steter.
In Brief: The Steter in his natural habitat. Married to theteet.blogspot.com since August 2004. Often the victim of serious hyperbole. Handy.
Hates: Noise, Dominion Homes, above-the-nipple touching, when people get 'handsy.'
Loves: pies (of any kind), dirt, smoking a pipe after eating pie. also, cows.

Name: Maybel
Alias: The Pig or Boobles.
In Brief: Kentucky-born English Bulldog since February 2006.
Hates: Watermelon. All other kinds of melon. The sound of a new trash bag being opened and sitting in the back seat.
Loves: Treats, walks, Charlie, 'humping it out' and barfing.


Name: Amanda
Alias: The Sister.
In Brief: theteet's younger (but larger) sister. Survived a brain bleed in February 2007.
Hates: minor inconveniences that make her blurt out uncontrollably, brain bleeds.
Loves: UFC, cornhole, texting, fast food and her dog Charlie.


Name: mom and dad.
Alias: the 'rents.
In Brief: Ashland natives and frequent visitors. They taught me how to swear.
Hates: hospitals.
Loves: squirrels and lattes.


Name: Mae
Alias: Klingler or Maddog.
In Brief: Cincinnati resident and former college/Old Towne East roommate. Once wrote a song that made theteet cry.
Hates: Hate.
Loves: Jesus, family, puns, guitars and gardening.


Name: Colleen
Alias: Crankin and Rankin.
In Brief: Akron resident and former college roomie. Arguably more handy than Seth. Nice bosom for hugging.
Hates: all drivers.
Loves: beer, coffee, cigarettes and boys we all find strange.


Name: Talya
Alias: Strader and Sweet T.
In Brief: Chicago resident and former college roomie. served brief stint at theteet's 'accountability partner.' collects monthly fee for keeping quiet.
Hates: people who do not comment on her blog.
Loves: social justice, eggs, her boyfriend monsterbeard and the occupation of barista.


Name: Chris
Alias: Christopher, Monsterbeard and Nadine.
In Brief: Chicago resident and college buddy. Maker of 'We once waited up in the dark with a gun,' and other misadventures.
Hates: people who are looking the other way.
Loves: history, film, his girlfriend Strader and acronyms.


Name: pdawg.
Alias: none needed.
In Brief: Former co-worker who is willing to eat waffles with theteet at 4 in the morning regardless of level of snow emergency.
Hates: anyone under the age of 35.
Loves: Hostess pies, old man rants and golf.


Name: Linsly.
Alias: MERLIN, lin or newbie.
In Brief: Former co-worker who lived with us for a week. I can tell this kid anything. He's like a brother.
Hates: sexual predators.
Loves: zombies, guns, porch chats and movie quotes.


Name: jaydubs.
Alias: jwray and 10bagspacking.
In Brief: Co-worker who taught me everything I know about the world.
Hates: mean jokes, mushrooms, clipping fingernails in the office.
Loves: crafts, her gay-together but also betrothed person Kyle, Columbus Bride Magazine, veggie-friendliness and basil.


Name: jessica.
Alias: jessm.
In Brief: College buddy with the amazing handshake. I believe she might be back from Alaska and living in Hudson now.
Hates: poverty.
Loves: Jesus, jazz, geography and hilarious t-shirts.


Name: brittiny.
Alias: Brit-Brat, experimental dater or The Dunlap.
In Brief: Former co-worker (notice a theme here?) who started with me at SNP on the same day. Former Sorority president taught me the ropes of being a lady. her wisdom did not take.
Hates: visible pany line.
Loves: cocktails, shoes, 'the blue box' and her boyfriend the Lizard.


Name: garth and jen.
Alias: not safe around house plants and the real spider-man and/or HSnothingswronghere.
In Brief: Co-worker couple who proved themselves fun at work and on the farm. Periodically forced to kiss in gas station parking lots.
Hates: local broadcast news reporters.
Loves: zombies, movie quotes, Indianapolis and lin rice.


Name: Angie.
Alias: captain cool.
In Brief: Former co-worker who stole my heart. She is the only thing I've ever lost to the Youngstown Vindicator.
Hates: joe and misogynists.
Loves: celebrity gossip, hilarious captions, biking/hiking, her boyfriend Jef, her mom and Columbus.

Name: Melville.
Alias: welcome to earf or bad town.
In Brief: Former co-worker who let me inherit his seat at SNP. For a while, he was the only one who would talk Reynoldsburg politics with me.
Hates: fleas, eminent domain and people who flip the bird.
Loves: his evil cat, running, opinions, beer and Tom Waits.


Name: The Gerish.
Alias: The Gerish.
In Brief: Co-worker and rare, elusive creature. If you're lucky, you'll see a tousle of black hair breeze by over the cubicle wall.
Hates: Things that aren't crackers.
Loves: crackers.


Name: Dennis.
Alias: secret reading.
In Brief: Co-worker and rare, elusive creature. If you're lucky, he'll walk over and talk to you. But he probably won't. Once took my sister-in-law to Homecoming.
Hates: The damn kids who walk in his yard.
Loves: Corgis, Cedar Point and Rachael. But not the one you're thinking of.

BLOGGER