(and by chopped i mean "cut down with a chain saw," and by tree i mean "an adequately-sized tree, probably not big enough to kill a man, but definitely large enough to seriously maim someone...")
it may have looked unimpressive to most, but it really meant a lot to me. i have always wanted to do that. and seth said i looked hot with a chain saw, so there. we spent the weekend up up up away from the city at my parents house in ashland and we worked for a little bit dragging brush and setting fires and washing cars and moving heavy objects and various other chores. it felt gooooood.
there were no moving pictures on a screen in front of us. there were no sirens. there were no unfriendly transexual crossdresser servers at the drive-thru. there were only cheerful grocery store clerks, body-breaking assignments and the outside -- with the smell of the country. 'twas fantastic. we had breakfast in the big open room with the glass doors for walls and we watched our puppies play outside with the hummingbirds. at night we watched a video from our senior prom, which was, as the 2000 theme suggested, Almost Paradise. No, we weren't together then. Seth threw up a little afterward. Probably from the joy brought on by memories.
i want to live in the country.
but in the meantime, i have a new job to start tomorrow. and i need your help. i am not woman enough to fill out the clothes in the misses department, an at the same time, i do not enjoy the bedazzled, frayed, glittered and/or torn hip-hugging "business casual" clothes of the junior department. i have outgrown all the clothes i bought two years ago before they required all garments to be sanded before sold. this is quite a serious problem. petite sizes that i've found, (which apparently come only in size P8???) are also a no-go. all you fashion-savvies...get to work. you have to dress me.
the good Lord has finally gotten around to answering my prayers from last winter ("can we get some degrees up in here, baby?!?) and now, suddenly, he has given me ninety of them all at once. i am currently petitioning to spread the degrees out. at least thirty of these could be used in January, i mean, come on.
Mae, RE: your email, i hear you loud and clear and i nod my head eagerly in agreement. and by the way, upon registration, this is what i found for you. you likey? for all your simultaneous zesting needs.
tonight is the final close at Starbucks. The Last Trip to the basement will occur tonight. Mochas, malt, Universal Beverage Base (this does exist...) caramels, Frapp base, soy...all will be packed tightly into their cabinets tonight. i get a knot in my stomach just thinking about this. No more syrup lists...no more crates of Izze or hot sleeves or pastry bags or those chinese to-go boxes from promotions long ago...(will they EVER run out of those things?)
There are many things i know now that i didn't know going in there just over one year ago. you can find some of them here, in the most amazing letter-style tribute ever made by a mortal. there are other things i know. i will tell you shortly.
No, it's not the beach. It is Ohio. 92 degrees at 90 percent humidity. Maybel definitely wins the swimsuit competition. Mr. Seth and Senor Hedgie just don't look natural.
I feel so tough living without air conditioning. Like a pioneer. And although Chris Bradley has warned of spontaneous combustion, we are not over 65 and we are not infants, so i think technically we are allowed to live like this, with the constant southern glow, the inability to cook dinner, reluctance to do dishes or vacuum Maybel off the couch, the floors, the walls.
So whenever i feel ultra-funktified for no reason, and this is a seasonal thing i think, i cut my hair. It feels nice at the back of my neck. it looks a little too mushroomy, but that's nothing a little razor blade action won't fix. does this make me a cutter? that was so not funny.
We ate some Jazz N Ribs after church this afternoon and now we're off...an evening stroll to Giant Eagle (a semi-weekly event that I will miss desperately in the harsh winter months -- man, Xtreme weather sucks!!) for some fresh bread, soon-to-be-frozen grapes and some chicken salad -- this season's must-have.
Do you think it would be funny to hire a pony? for a party? where the only attendees are you, your husband and your dog? how about if the wife just follows the husband around videotaping him riding the pony and opening gifts? what if there is a huge cake? how much does it cost to host a pony party? hey, i love you guys.
Seth said to learn more about the dark side of the farm, "don't read shit on the Internet." i was told the video isn't completely accurate...except for the strawberries being injected with green slime. they totally do that.
1. Happiness is found in having things. 2. Get all you can for yourself. 3. Get it all as quickly as you can. 4. Win at all costs. 5. Violence is entertaining. 6. Always seek pleasure and avoid boredom.
Today at work I remembered "The Hot Sundaes" from THE episode of Saved by the Bell. You know. Put your mind to it, go for it. Get down and break a sweat, etc. You'd think in our media-saturated society, I would easily be able to find a google and click my way to a clip of this unforgettable moment in TV history. But no. Hours of searching, and nothing. If you can find this for me, I will pay you 20 dollars. And i'm not kidding.
you can see them out for dinner with their piggy wives.
on CNN.com today, they've decided to juxtapose these headlines:
Tattooed pigs become art.
and
Missing Natalee Holloway case update.
and yes, the pig got top billing. How bizarre. Anyway "THIS is going to rock," says class secretary Lyndsey Teter, who has yet to help with any planning of the event. "I just hope I'm not the only one who married a 2000 WHS grad."
it's tuesday afternoon. i am off work. this is possibly the last tuesday afternoon i will ever have off again. excluding vacations, of course. i'm making my peace with tuesday.
anyway, it's hot. like, i could puke if i move hot. so instead of lunch, i made a light snack. possibly the best light snack ever made by a mortal.
start off with a buttery sort of cracker..you can go wheat if you'd like, but i prefer Toastedos. spread upon the toastedo some guava jelly. it is orange and you can get it in the hispanic section at giant eagle. then sprinkle feta cheese on the cracker. and indulge. make sure you are on the front porch and have an ice tea handy. it is also important to be able to hear the blues from the record player inside your house.
don't ask me how i learned these three tastes dance so well together. suffice to say it was a great summer with the greek lady and the mexican. we had so many adventures. it is too hot to get into it right now. just trust me.
the story here is that this was a good trip to Athens.
Everyone was there. old ghosts reminding me of how good it used to be without quite being as good as the actual moment. just enough to recollect. which is as close as i'll ever want it to get.
jess meyer, bryony, strader, cantoni, tootle, leo, cookes, pyles, antonuccios, remnants and of course a klingler. jared and jon. all the stranger's faces whose blogs i read every day. there were a few big names missing, but i must say it felt good. it felt pretty damn good.
can you believe it's been over a year already?
so i'm starting this new job in two weeks and everything has slowed down now so i can remember it. i'm not sure this will be THE career for me, maybe another Starbucks year, where I pick things up along the way, make some friends and trip and stumble into being good for maybe the last three months and then i'll be allowed to leave again.
maybe i'll go back to athens, where the dirty hippy children and the barefoot pregnant ladies dance in the streets. maybe i'll put on a long skirt and a tank top, wrap my hair in a scarf and go into some sort of social work.
our baby went down the stairs by herself for the first time on saturday. i sowed the seed and seth reaped the harvest this time. she is currently chewing on my diploma, which is hilarious.
i got a job as a reporter yesterday. For SNP. This doesn't excite me as much as the idea of years from now, working at The Other Paper or Columbus Monthly. I am a CM Media nerd. Can't get enough of them.
but i must warn those i love (because that's the way He'll get to me): watch out for falling pianos, anvils, etc. this all happened too easy. i sent out one resume about a week and a half ago, was called for an interview a few days later, and was hired yesterday. this must be God, toying with me. He doesn't just give things out like this -- especially so easily and especially things you haven't earned somehow. He just doesn't work abundantly like that. Be nervous, loved ones. He must be buttering me up for some greater tragedy.
i will tell you more later. for now, there is a home brew to be bottled. Thomas Jefferson's Ale. (and more importantly, there is the uncarbonated sludge juice at the bottom of the bucket to finish off.) (oh darn, looks like we've run out of bottles and have a gallon left...don't want to waste it...better drink it now.)
if you are a child of god, sanctified, etc., please say a prayer for me around 3:30 p.m. this afternoon. if it is already past this time, please say one anyway. i'm pretty sure these things work retroactively.
in the meantime, i am learning about Columbus, or Clumbus, as the locals call it. I now know that i want to be dan williamson when i grow up. He is good-looking and chiseled, but his articles are refreshingly not frat-boy-like and smart. It's the contrast, really, between what is expected and what is received that makes me happy in this case. That and the articles about baseball. Very Gay Talese.
I now know that Gentrification is happening and is bad. Do you know what this means? If not, go here for a quick lesson.
Does everyone already know about this? If so, let me know, because I am thinking of suggesting it for a feature. I am thinking of finding a minority family who has recently had to ask their cousin/aunt/grandparents/boyfriends to move into the home they have occupied for 25 years to help pay skyrocketing rents - money, later on, that will be used to pave the streets gold for the hipster/gallery/condo making its way into their soon-to-be-fabulous neighborhood. wouldn't that just fit perfectly? But! i also don't want to commit the 187 interview tactic of suggesting a topic they did a 5-week expose on in March of 2003. Didn't I catch that one?! Do i even READ the publication I am applying to work for?
the problem is: every second friday of the months from April-October.
July 8th IS the second Friday. Don't be confused. The second THURSDAY, however, is in three days. Do not park your car across the street from my house this day. How do you have a second Friday before a second Thursday? Don't ask me, it must be street cleaning science.
So here's what we did:
We painted a rock. See Genesis 28:20-22. We felt that this verse was a good metaphor for life, especially if your name is Jacob, and especially if the verse is stenciled on a garden-approved rock in a cool typewriter font. (we have stamps, we used tinted exterior primer and a clear sealant. we are the best godparents. ever. take that eGodparents.com!) man, i can only hope our kids will be able to have someone so smart to sponsor their baptism. it was a cool event. an old church. the HS was there. i felt it and that made me happy. little jacob was not happy, however, when they poured water on his head. being a soldier in God's kingdom is hard. from the beginning.
Lyndsey F. and Matt H. Congratulations. Sounds like all the planning has been pretty stress-free. Maybe you'll be the first couple in the history of the world to a) get married and b) not totally freak out.
I miss Mae. And not only because the $8,000 question on Meredith today was: What do you call a rapid or irregular beating of the heart? The answer was A. Palpitation. Are you going to see Cosigner on Saturday? I think we are. And then camping? possibly? I hope? Let's both be available for talking at the same time!
I am interviewing Wednesday with SNP. They have 22 suburban news weeklies. Surely they have a space for me somewhere? I might have to take a pay cut, but at least i'll be doing something. filling space and time with words. instead of mochas.
weird things that Maybel does/is doing: a) break into the bathroom and staring at me while i shower. b) lick my legs for over 5 minutes at a time. c) chew my dirty underwear. d) eat ants.
there is no flow to this entry, but i will not apologize. you knew what you were getting in to, didn't you?
halfway through their fourth of july picnic, hosts paul and christy teter called lyndsey and seth out onto the front porch.
can we talk to you guys for a second? christy asks.
umm, yeah. sure. they reply.
counting baby jacob, the group of five went out onto the porch, where new guests were arriving.
we'll just wait until they go inside to do this, christy says.
are we in trouble? lyndsey asks.
insert five minutes of talking with said guests, shuffling and awkwardness. guests go inside.
you talk, paul. christy says
silence.
we want to know if you guys will be godparents to our baby. paul says.
insert sigh of relief.
we're going to be godparents! is that exciting to you? don't you want to know what that means? well, eGodparent.com says this:
Christian Godparents must: 1. Pray for your godchild regularly 2. Set an example of Christian living 3. Help him/her to grow in the faith of God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, in which he was baptized 4. Give every encouragement to follow Christ and fight against evil 5. Help your godchild to look forward to confirmation.
Of particular interest is objective number 4b, or the fighting against evil. i am thinking of all sorts of fun Christmas ideas for baby Jacob. Breast plate of Righteousness, shin guards of chastity, etc. Or this? Maybe not. Isn't that a good name, by the way? Jacob. So Biblical-sounding and strong. No wonder it is the most popular name of 2005.
Anyway, so we're totally honored and excited. we're thinking of something nice to get for the baptism (aka "big J's dunking") on Sunday. Something sincere. Something that will make his parents happy because he's just a dumb baby for now. later Seth can teach him about trees and stuff, but for now, he is just a handsome little pooper - all bundled in original sin and the sin of fathers before him, etc. i was thinking about writing him a letter, or getting him a baby Bible or something. Do you have any suggestions? have any of you ever done this before? thank you for your help. lt.
Name: Seth
Alias: Teth Seter or Steter.
In Brief: The Steter in his natural habitat. Married to theteet.blogspot.com since August 2004. Often the victim of serious hyperbole. Handy.
Hates: Noise, Dominion Homes, above-the-nipple touching, when people get 'handsy.'
Loves: pies (of any kind), dirt, smoking a pipe after eating pie. also, cows.
Name: Maybel
Alias: The Pig or Boobles.
In Brief: Kentucky-born English Bulldog since February 2006.
Hates: Watermelon. All other kinds of melon. The sound of a new trash bag being opened and sitting in the back seat.
Loves: Treats, walks, Charlie, 'humping it out' and barfing.
Name: Amanda
Alias: The Sister.
In Brief: theteet's younger (but larger) sister. Survived a brain bleed in February 2007.
Hates: minor inconveniences that make her blurt out uncontrollably, brain bleeds.
Loves: UFC, cornhole, texting, fast food and her dog Charlie.
Name: mom and dad.
Alias: the 'rents.
In Brief: Ashland natives and frequent visitors. They taught me how to swear.
Hates: hospitals.
Loves: squirrels and lattes.
Name: Mae
Alias: Klingler or Maddog.
In Brief: Cincinnati resident and former college/Old Towne East roommate. Once wrote a song that made theteet cry.
Hates: Hate.
Loves: Jesus, family, puns, guitars and gardening.
Name: Colleen
Alias: Crankin and Rankin.
In Brief: Akron resident and former college roomie. Arguably more handy than Seth. Nice bosom for hugging.
Hates: all drivers.
Loves: beer, coffee, cigarettes and boys we all find strange.
Name: Talya
Alias: Strader and Sweet T.
In Brief: Chicago resident and former college roomie. served brief stint at theteet's 'accountability partner.' collects monthly fee for keeping quiet.
Hates: people who do not comment on her blog.
Loves: social justice, eggs, her boyfriend monsterbeard and the occupation of barista.
Name: Chris
Alias: Christopher, Monsterbeard and Nadine.
In Brief: Chicago resident and college buddy. Maker of 'We once waited up in the dark with a gun,' and other misadventures.
Hates: people who are looking the other way.
Loves: history, film, his girlfriend Strader and acronyms.
Name: pdawg.
Alias: none needed.
In Brief: Former co-worker who is willing to eat waffles with theteet at 4 in the morning regardless of level of snow emergency.
Hates: anyone under the age of 35.
Loves: Hostess pies, old man rants and golf.
Name: Linsly.
Alias: MERLIN, lin or newbie.
In Brief: Former co-worker who lived with us for a week. I can tell this kid anything. He's like a brother.
Hates: sexual predators.
Loves: zombies, guns, porch chats and movie quotes.
Name: jaydubs.
Alias: jwray and 10bagspacking.
In Brief: Co-worker who taught me everything I know about the world.
Hates: mean jokes, mushrooms, clipping fingernails in the office.
Loves: crafts, her gay-together but also betrothed person Kyle, Columbus Bride Magazine, veggie-friendliness and basil.
Name: jessica.
Alias: jessm.
In Brief: College buddy with the amazing handshake. I believe she might be back from Alaska and living in Hudson now.
Hates: poverty.
Loves: Jesus, jazz, geography and hilarious t-shirts.
Name: brittiny.
Alias: Brit-Brat, experimental dater or The Dunlap.
In Brief: Former co-worker (notice a theme here?) who started with me at SNP on the same day. Former Sorority president taught me the ropes of being a lady. her wisdom did not take.
Hates: visible pany line.
Loves: cocktails, shoes, 'the blue box' and her boyfriend the Lizard.
Name: garth and jen.
Alias: not safe around house plants and the real spider-man and/or HSnothingswronghere.
In Brief: Co-worker couple who proved themselves fun at work and on the farm. Periodically forced to kiss in gas station parking lots.
Hates: local broadcast news reporters.
Loves: zombies, movie quotes, Indianapolis and lin rice.
Name: Angie.
Alias: captain cool.
In Brief: Former co-worker who stole my heart. She is the only thing I've ever lost to the Youngstown Vindicator.
Hates: joe and misogynists.
Loves: celebrity gossip, hilarious captions, biking/hiking, her boyfriend Jef, her mom and Columbus.
Name: Melville.
Alias: welcome to earf or bad town.
In Brief: Former co-worker who let me inherit his seat at SNP. For a while, he was the only one who would talk Reynoldsburg politics with me.
Hates: fleas, eminent domain and people who flip the bird.
Loves: his evil cat, running, opinions, beer and Tom Waits.
Name: The Gerish.
Alias: The Gerish.
In Brief: Co-worker and rare, elusive creature. If you're lucky, you'll see a tousle of black hair breeze by over the cubicle wall.
Hates: Things that aren't crackers.
Loves: crackers.
Name: Dennis.
Alias: secret reading.
In Brief: Co-worker and rare, elusive creature. If you're lucky, he'll walk over and talk to you. But he probably won't. Once took my sister-in-law to Homecoming.
Hates: The damn kids who walk in his yard.
Loves: Corgis, Cedar Point and Rachael. But not the one you're thinking of.
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