every two weeks: The Saddest Story Ever Told

21.11.04

The Saddest Story Ever Told

There are many jokes in the old riddle book at work. Few have been used. Many others wait for their turn to be the "riddle of the week" at store #2508 in the German Village. Many pages have been turned in our quest to find that one "golden" joke that will perk the customer's morning, and guarantee at least one of them a free beverage of choice for guessing the correct answer.

It is now my job to pick the riddle every week.

Last week I was skimming through the pages, when a joke so bold and so flawless struck me. It struck me hard. I burst out loud with laughter and tears and was forced to explain myself to the customer standing in line. I told the joke in its entirety to the friendly, old ex-librarian, we'll call him "Deceit-Atron," and he looked at me like i was rather dumb. "That's the worst joke i've ever heard," he said, and snickered to the other barista about the blandness of the joke while he waited for his tall peppermint mocha and reduced fat cinnamon swirl coffee cake.

I, however, went with my gut and picked the joke regardless of the old man's snickering, and the next day it was up on the menu board as follows:

Q: What do reindeer have that no other animal has?

(You'd think the answer would be "the ability to fly," or even the less-educated guess, "red noses," but you'd be wrong.)

The answer? Baby reindeer. Hilarious. Non-stop fun the whole way through.

It was a Tuesday when the question went up, and it was a Wednesday when an old, friendly ex-librarian sauntered into the room, ordered his drink, calmly glanced up at the riddle and peeked his little head over the bar to ask my manager: "The answer isn't 'baby reindeer' is it?" "You're right," she said. "Free drink for you!" And she his name up on the board. "I can't believe no one had gotten that yet," he said casually.

The next day, I told my boss that he had been there when we were discussing what riddle to put up there and had previously known the answer. She said that this was the rumor going around, and asked me to talk to him about it when he came it next. When he walked in a few hours later, he was trying to hide his eyes from me, like an old puppy that peed on the carpet. i took his order, kept calm and briefly confronted him in the most playful way possible in order to maintain 'legendary service.'

"What's this?" I asked, pointing up at his name on the riddle board.
"Oh I know," he said. "Is there any way I could get my last name up on their too? Their are a lot of 'Deceit-Atrons,' and nobody will know that it was me."
"But 'Deceit-Atron,' you were there when we put up the riddle and were talking about it. You knew the answer, you little cheater."
"No I wasn't," he said.
"Yes you were...Remember you didn't like the riddle," I said. "You were standing right there and you said it was the worst joke you ever heard?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"What?" I asked, thoroughly confused.
"You're wrong," he said. "You must be thinking of someone else. Now I want my last name up their. Tell Jodie I'm not leaving until I get my last name up there."

I was completely shocked. What a sad man stood before me. One so desperate for recognition that he lied to win a free coffee at Starbucks. And now, he stood there, refusing to leave until my manager came from the back of the store to write his last name on the board. And all along I had thought that librarians were so tough. Look how they had fought the Patriot Act. Something strange must happen to a librarian when they retire.

posted by Class of 2000 officers @ 4:00 PM

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