I got a message last night around 8:30 p.m. from our tired hero -- Teth Seter. "Pig Pig knows how to escape," he says. "He ran a muck in our garbage. He was sprinting around the yard when I pulled up. I spent $100 at Lowe's. I'm going to build a fence out of wood. It took me two hours to get home because 71 was closed. I'm going to build a fence out of wood now."
Unable to resist those words, I sped home after a recreation task force meeting to join the old man in the fray.
I walked into the house to find Teth and the Pig on the couch watching television. And where was Pig Pig? I inquired. "Oh ... I don't know, I think he's in the garage."
He was.
On a pile of old curtains he'd dragged into the middle of the floor. The doors were open. He loves us. He's people.
The rest of the story is quite dull, with the two of us constructing a quality wood fence in the thunderstorm, with the Pig and the Pig Pig, who weren't much help. We were in bed by 1 a.m.
I felt obligated to share this, although pretty soon, you people are going to stop believing me.
Editor's note: We at theteet.blogspot.com are hoping intensely that a.) Dan Williamson (much like NBC 4's Monique Ming Laven, (still No. 2 ) the Dispatch's Jim Woods and perhaps even Dean Narcicicso) is a frequent visitor here and b.) will mention theteet.blogspot.com in a future column to further bolster somewhat depressing readership of late. Nineteen faces staring blankly at this page every day? Unacceptable. Hardly enough to qualify even for Google AdSense.
First, Dan Williamson authored a story using the words 'John Glenn,' which I had referenced below. And second, the cover story involving Dennis Mitsubishi's controversial "Jihad" radio spot, which I posted here on Monday, subsequently sparking an international media frenzy.
How long will this game of cat and mouse continue?
It's the same thing with the Melville Charitable Trust. Once I've heard it on the radio in the a.m. (not to be confused with Everclear's unforgettable hit song A.M. Radio) the words keep running through my head for no reason. It's the little things that set me off (see entry below).
This post is strictly limited to boring-talking, as there are two hours until Seth gets out of work. And there have already been at least two hours since I've been done with work.
It's 50-cent Tuesday at Carriage Place on Bethel. It's also 3:30 p.m. and I've already seen a movie. You, Me & Dupree -- totally worth the money. And also, aside from the joy that comes when a somewhat non-large-chested woman is also very sexy (shut up, I know she's Kate Hudson, but it gives the rest of us hope, okay?) I sort of think I acquired a date during the show.
About 15 minutes into the movie, a truckload of senior citizens came wandering in, which was strange, mainly because I thought I knew something about Owen Wilson's fan base. So the ladies and gentlemans came rolling in to watch the 12:30 showing with me, and honestly, they took a very long time to get settled in. Their trainer was having a hard time keeping track of them, and there was no real method to their seating arrangement. One of them got loose and made her way down my row. She started feeling the arm rests, and then my leg for a little bit. She did not acknowledge my attempts to vocalize discomfort.
Finally, she gave up and sat down in the seat beside me.
What's a girl to do in that situation? There was no one else in the row, and the lady kept feeling my arm throughout the film. Should I have moved? Did she even know I was there? Does God know I blog?
She was cute during the movie, covering her mouth when Owen Wilson was caught "whaling on himself like an animal" in the happy couple's living room. It was sort of nice after a while to have a companion, I must admit.
At the end of the film, the group gathered in the lobby where the trainer counted them before they got on the bus. Two of them were missing. I'm serious. They thought Tropical Trends might have had something to do with it.
Which is more pathetic? Going to a movie by yourself on 50-cent Tuesday or going with a group of friends who are subject to The Count at the end of the film?
Either way, that's totally me in a few years I know it. Mae Klingler, is that you out there?
This particular Sunday evening brought a series of circumstances so cleverly calculated that even the strongest love could not survive.
At about 2 or 3 p.m., a couple came home from a washington court house wedding to a messy house, a hungry pig and a lawn of tall grass. At about 3:30 p.m., the handsome man, we'll call him Teth Seter, decided to rip the magnesium rods out of the hot water tank to rid the water supply of a rotten egg smell that the couple thought, until Friday, was the result of sulfur in the country water.
(Background: water tests by the Culligan Man had revealed magnesium rods were the culprit, but I digress...)
His clever wife, we'll call her, Our Hero, advised that the three-minute project could wait until the couple re-plumbs the entire house -- a plan that was to be executed in approximately seven days. Teth did not heed Our Hero's advise, so he continued on with the project -- cutting pipes, yanking out plastic parts, etc.
At about 4:30 p.m., while Our Hero was uncharacteristically sharpening and re-installing lawn mower blades, Teth realizes a trip to Lowe's would be required.
Upon a reverse exit from the driveway, Teth unfortunately backed his car into the family ditch. Despite a push from a group of neighbors, the car would not budge, and professionals were notified.
The couple waited for Dan's Towing while fifteen miles away, employees at Lowe's began to close up shop for the evening. The time was 4:30 p.m.
One hour and one $60 winching later, the Hyndai Accent was freed and Teth was on his way to buy a 1/2" plastic piece that would make hot showers possible for everyone that evening. He slid in the doors at 5:50 p.m., but unfortunately, because of the rushed circumstances, and arguably, because of a haunting nagging from Our Hero, Teth picked up a size too small.
With a head in greasy hands, Our Hero wept softly to the sinking sun, half the lawn around her mowed. She feared that unless Lowe's extends its Sunday hours, the marriage would surely fail.
The rest of the story has been censored. For the children.
another little promotional spot along the lines of "Graham iiiisss FORD!" or "Home of the best dawggone deals .. Jack Maxton Chevrolet" ... (?)
STATIONS SAY 'JIHAD' CAR SPOTS GO TOO FAR Published: Saturday, September 23, 2006
Some Columbus radio stations have rejected as insensitive an advertisement for a car dealership that invokes Islamic references.
The general manager of the dealership, though, says the promotions -- which he called "tongue-in-cheek" -- will air on some stations beginning next week.
In the spot, Keith Dennis of Dennis Mitsubishi talks about "launching a jihad on the automotive market."
Sales representatives "will be wearing burqas all weekend long," the ad says. One of the vehicles on sale "can comfortably seat up to 12 jihadists in the back."
"Our prices are lower than the evildoers' every day. Just ask the pope!" the ad says. "Friday is fatwa Friday, with free rubber swords for the kiddies."
Jeff Wilson, general manager of Radio One stations WCKX (107.5 FM), WJYD (106.3 FM) and WXMG (98.9 FM), doesn't intend to air the spot.
"We won't play that," Wilson said. "With no disrespect to their creativity or their desire to build business, everything we're about is promoting the values of diversity. To air things of that sort would go against our mission statement."
Representatives of WSNY (94.7 FM), WBNS (97.1 FM), WWCD (101.1 FM), WJZA/WJZK (103.5/104.3 FM), and WODB (107.9 FM) also said they won't air the ad.
But Aaron Masterson, general manager of Dennis Auto Point, which writes and produces its own commercials, promised that the commercial will air.
"It starts next Friday morning," Masterson said. "As far as I can see, the top 10 stations -- minimum -- in the market. We made it very clear we wanted market saturation to get the point across."
The dealership was a little surprised by the hesitation to run the ad, Masterson said, although he noted, "According to the people who have heard it, it is the most controversial commercial they've heard in the last 15 years."
Calling the commercial aggressive, Masterson said, "This is one where we feel we're taking a bull's-eye on terrorists. After all the nonsense that the terrorists put the public through, they're fair game."
The president of the Columbus chapter of the Council on American-Islamic Relations, doesn't think terrorism is to be taken lightly.
Asma Mobin-Uddin said she is concerned the ad's tone and imagery are "mocking and disrespectful to many different areas. One is Islamic faith and Islamic culture."
"Using that as a promotional pitch when so many are dying from the criminal activity of suicide bombers, that's not funny," Mobin-Uddin said. "I don't think it's appropriate when it causes real pain. It exploits or promotes misunderstanding in terms already misunderstood or misused. That type of ad does nothing but promote discord in a very difficult time. The timing is just amazing. Maybe that's part of the shock value."
When Dennis previewed the commercial Wednesday for radio executives, Masterson said, "everybody in the room thought it was very funny, extremely aggressive."
Yet executives did have some concerns.
"We talk about the pope, fatwa, terrorists. You hear one of these words, and their minds froze on it," he said.
Nonetheless, he said, the company plans few changes.
I discovered, and then was subsequently enraged, at my congressional representation. Who knew Bangs was Bob Ney country?
Ah well. I've always wanted the chance to vote alongside Athens NEWS Editor and Hero Terry Smith. Mr. Space, go ahead and put Possum Street in the win column.
Contractors Be Damned Season Two. Over the weekend, Seth and I installed our pressure tank and switch, which involved complicated wiring, digging, plumbing and cursing. Also praying. We have no idea how, but when we flipped the switch, we had water pressure and an unexploded well pump. and a very important lesson: The human hand, especially a freakishly tiny human hand, cannot hold back 50 pounds per square inch of water pressure for more than three seconds. If you attempt, chaos will ensue.
Also, lesson No. 4360 of my professional career: Do not take your prized heirloom "BITCH-BITCH-BITCH" mug into an endorsement hearing at work. Grandma may have pulled it off at every Christmas since you were six, but a candidate for the 24th Ohio House may not be as accepting. Try bringing a business card instead.
And finally, the yearly plug -- this time in a new, exotic location! As if Nelsonville wasn't sexy enough (birthplace of Sarah Jessica Parker and also the site of the 1985 film Mischief, thankyouverymuch)the Paul Bunyan Lumberjack Festival has been moved to the Guernsey County Fairgrounds (home to ... John Glenn??)
The festival will be held Oct. 6 through Oct. 8, and will involve camping, drinking before noon (just enough to ease the nerves) and this, as always. This always draws a crowd.
see if you can find the sentence that doesn't fit the mood.
WASHINGTON - President Bush's closed-door meeting with Republican lawmakers Thursday erupted in laughter when several from Ohio ribbed him about Ohio State's 24-7 drubbing of Texas last Saturday.
Bush was attempting to gain support from House Republicans split over the president's plan to allow harsh interrogations of terrorists. Saturday's football game pitted the nation's top-ranked college teams in Austin, Texas, where Bush served as governor for six years.
Rep. Deborah Pryce of Upper Arlington, decked out in a gray and scarlet suit and a buckeye necklace, beamed after the meeting about the delegation's treatment of a humbled Bush. She said he called the group "a bunch of sore winners" as they joyously presented him with a scarlet Ohio State flag with a gray block "O" in the middle.
"It was really funny," she said. "He took it well."
Rep. Pat Tiberi of Columbus wore an Ohio State cap and several Ohioans wore red-and-gray striped ties. One exception was Majority Leader John Boehner of West Chester, whose tie was blue.
"I guess he didn't get the memo," said Brian Gaston, a former Boehner staffer from Steubenville, Ohio, who is now chief of staff for Majority Whip Roy Blunt of Missouri.
when driving behind a long white hearse on a country road through the morning fog, National Public Radio is an unacceptable soundtrack.
although the 1970s dream machine was plucking along at a steady 50 mph down route 3, i did not have the heart to pass it because a.) when does this ever happen? and b.) passing a hearse on a blind curvy road seemed too much of a temptation for fate. plus, the whole 'respect for the dead' thing.
i fumbled through several upbeat ironic soundtracks, but still, nothing clicked. it should have been a no-brainer. every single track on the O'Brother Where Art Thou? soundtrack fit perfectly.
the ghost hearse, as i'd like to think it was, was kind enough to let me try on just about every song before it turned right toward Mt. Gilead. the instrumentals were quite memorable, but particularly influential were Ralph Stanley's 'O Death' (creeepy) and also, surprisingly, "I'll Fly Away' with ... oh ...what's her face.
strangely enough, i witnessed two additional hearses before my shift was over, and neither were black. The Day of Hearses came on the heels of the White-Haired Angel/Demon Boy Rape dream, which many of you have unfortunately heard bits and pieces of.
somethings a stirrin' in the cosmos. hold on to your butts.
does anyone know why the profile and the links have jumped down to the bottom of the page? this is highly annoying.
ThisWeekInPig, Grand Slam has learned to root. he took out a giant patch of yard --down to the mud -- in 3 days. i let maybel in the pen to calm him, and all hell broke loose. all three of us were humped and covered in mud by the end. the pig is growing VERY quickly now that he's on solid foods. his nose is hilarious.
ThisWeekInLove, Maybel had a male suitor in the early hours of the morning, or so i hear. is there such thing as a doggie pregnancy test? she's been very clingy and craving weird foods lately.
I don't really have anything to say here at all. I'm trying to force it, and it shows.
Dare I say it? A week has gone by without incident.
Wait, no. That's not true. Our water is black again. But nobody really should have to listen to me talk about that.
Whenever the four ladies get together, a few things are always added to the books. "Convincing Colleen and Talya that Mae has entertained numerous sexual partners in the last three days" can be added along with "Wally Waffle" "Twenty Monty Mounty" and others.
The girls grab their last cup of coffees, exchange hugs and hit the road, each packing away a few thousand pleasant memories, but something heavier still.
One thinks I've forgotten the other half of her. One thinks she's not funny. A third, the one who has likely been the most responsible, is slightly disgusted by the whole conversation and the last grows tired of trying to justify a particularly unpopular decision made in the year 2004.
Insecurities are heavy baggage on that unending stretch of road between Ashland and Lodi.
But seriously though I had fun. Better see you again in October.
Name: Seth
Alias: Teth Seter or Steter.
In Brief: The Steter in his natural habitat. Married to theteet.blogspot.com since August 2004. Often the victim of serious hyperbole. Handy.
Hates: Noise, Dominion Homes, above-the-nipple touching, when people get 'handsy.'
Loves: pies (of any kind), dirt, smoking a pipe after eating pie. also, cows.
Name: Maybel
Alias: The Pig or Boobles.
In Brief: Kentucky-born English Bulldog since February 2006.
Hates: Watermelon. All other kinds of melon. The sound of a new trash bag being opened and sitting in the back seat.
Loves: Treats, walks, Charlie, 'humping it out' and barfing.
Name: Amanda
Alias: The Sister.
In Brief: theteet's younger (but larger) sister. Survived a brain bleed in February 2007.
Hates: minor inconveniences that make her blurt out uncontrollably, brain bleeds.
Loves: UFC, cornhole, texting, fast food and her dog Charlie.
Name: mom and dad.
Alias: the 'rents.
In Brief: Ashland natives and frequent visitors. They taught me how to swear.
Hates: hospitals.
Loves: squirrels and lattes.
Name: Mae
Alias: Klingler or Maddog.
In Brief: Cincinnati resident and former college/Old Towne East roommate. Once wrote a song that made theteet cry.
Hates: Hate.
Loves: Jesus, family, puns, guitars and gardening.
Name: Colleen
Alias: Crankin and Rankin.
In Brief: Akron resident and former college roomie. Arguably more handy than Seth. Nice bosom for hugging.
Hates: all drivers.
Loves: beer, coffee, cigarettes and boys we all find strange.
Name: Talya
Alias: Strader and Sweet T.
In Brief: Chicago resident and former college roomie. served brief stint at theteet's 'accountability partner.' collects monthly fee for keeping quiet.
Hates: people who do not comment on her blog.
Loves: social justice, eggs, her boyfriend monsterbeard and the occupation of barista.
Name: Chris
Alias: Christopher, Monsterbeard and Nadine.
In Brief: Chicago resident and college buddy. Maker of 'We once waited up in the dark with a gun,' and other misadventures.
Hates: people who are looking the other way.
Loves: history, film, his girlfriend Strader and acronyms.
Name: pdawg.
Alias: none needed.
In Brief: Former co-worker who is willing to eat waffles with theteet at 4 in the morning regardless of level of snow emergency.
Hates: anyone under the age of 35.
Loves: Hostess pies, old man rants and golf.
Name: Linsly.
Alias: MERLIN, lin or newbie.
In Brief: Former co-worker who lived with us for a week. I can tell this kid anything. He's like a brother.
Hates: sexual predators.
Loves: zombies, guns, porch chats and movie quotes.
Name: jaydubs.
Alias: jwray and 10bagspacking.
In Brief: Co-worker who taught me everything I know about the world.
Hates: mean jokes, mushrooms, clipping fingernails in the office.
Loves: crafts, her gay-together but also betrothed person Kyle, Columbus Bride Magazine, veggie-friendliness and basil.
Name: jessica.
Alias: jessm.
In Brief: College buddy with the amazing handshake. I believe she might be back from Alaska and living in Hudson now.
Hates: poverty.
Loves: Jesus, jazz, geography and hilarious t-shirts.
Name: brittiny.
Alias: Brit-Brat, experimental dater or The Dunlap.
In Brief: Former co-worker (notice a theme here?) who started with me at SNP on the same day. Former Sorority president taught me the ropes of being a lady. her wisdom did not take.
Hates: visible pany line.
Loves: cocktails, shoes, 'the blue box' and her boyfriend the Lizard.
Name: garth and jen.
Alias: not safe around house plants and the real spider-man and/or HSnothingswronghere.
In Brief: Co-worker couple who proved themselves fun at work and on the farm. Periodically forced to kiss in gas station parking lots.
Hates: local broadcast news reporters.
Loves: zombies, movie quotes, Indianapolis and lin rice.
Name: Angie.
Alias: captain cool.
In Brief: Former co-worker who stole my heart. She is the only thing I've ever lost to the Youngstown Vindicator.
Hates: joe and misogynists.
Loves: celebrity gossip, hilarious captions, biking/hiking, her boyfriend Jef, her mom and Columbus.
Name: Melville.
Alias: welcome to earf or bad town.
In Brief: Former co-worker who let me inherit his seat at SNP. For a while, he was the only one who would talk Reynoldsburg politics with me.
Hates: fleas, eminent domain and people who flip the bird.
Loves: his evil cat, running, opinions, beer and Tom Waits.
Name: The Gerish.
Alias: The Gerish.
In Brief: Co-worker and rare, elusive creature. If you're lucky, you'll see a tousle of black hair breeze by over the cubicle wall.
Hates: Things that aren't crackers.
Loves: crackers.
Name: Dennis.
Alias: secret reading.
In Brief: Co-worker and rare, elusive creature. If you're lucky, he'll walk over and talk to you. But he probably won't. Once took my sister-in-law to Homecoming.
Hates: The damn kids who walk in his yard.
Loves: Corgis, Cedar Point and Rachael. But not the one you're thinking of.
.jpg)
