every two weeks

locate the part in this story

2008-08-30T12:52:00.000-07:00

where it stops being funny:

City worker handed out more than just tickets
Parking employee put bar flier on windshields
Saturday, August 30, 2008 3:21 AM
By Rita Price
THE COLUMBUS DISPATCH
A Columbus parking-enforcement worker was caught last week leaving too much information on Downtown windshields. Along with tickets for parking-meter violations, Joe Johnson was plastering cars with an advertisement for a local bar."That's not what the city pays him to do," said Mary Carran Webster, assistant director of public service.After getting an anonymous tip, Johnson's supervisors staked out a N. 4th Street parking lot and watched as he handed out good news along with the bad to drivers parked on Young Street."They were following him," said Brian Sturgill, a parking-lot attendant. "It was kind of funny watching them dart in and out of cars."Johnson, a 14-year city employee, didn't protest when confronted, Webster said. "He knows he did it, and he said he did it. He said he didn't know it was wrong."Johnson was caught on Aug. 22. He is back at his $19.39-an-hour job but faces a disciplinary hearing next month, Webster said.She didn't know whether Johnson was being paid to hand out advertising while he worked the meters. The flier featured a menu for the Main Bar, and he also left an Ohio State University football schedule with a real-estate agent's name and a phone number on it.A manager at the Main Bar, 16 W. Main St., said the tavern has a stack of fliers but doesn't pay anyone to hand them out. "We haven't hired anyone," said the man, who wouldn't give his name.But, come to think of it, he said, "There is a meter guy who comes in here sometimes."Not when he's on duty."
rprice@dispatch.com

welcome, ian and kara

2008-08-30T11:35:00.000-07:00

every time a journo blogs, an angel gets its wings.and it's lovely to have new, virtual faces at theteet.and while i'm at it,sayonara, meryl! (and not the 'sayonara, sucker!' kind of sayonara.) you are extra sweet to me and i don't know why. we'll always have the blogosphere.in celebration of theteet's 30,000th visitor, (plus, i dunno, prolly twice or half that many before we moved to wordpress) i think we should schedule a Theteet meet-up at the same time/place as a Columbus Underground meet-up, and then we can start a knife fight.any takers?

alaskan ladyparts for the win.

2008-08-29T10:38:00.000-07:00

i'm so glad they pulled something pretty and desperate.it just won me $15.fyi, here is a list of the people i beat moments ago in the Veepstakes pool:1.) Danny Russell, a spokesman for Jesus and former TOP editor2.) Dan Williamson, a spokesman for the mayor and also Most Awesomest Political Columnist in Ohio Ever3.) Erik Johns, Master's degree student at Northwestern who is also learning Chinesejust an fyi.maybe less experienced girls are the best, after all.i'm curious as to what jessm thinks of this. also, can you relay to us the truth about The Bridge to Nowhere? also, can you tell us what Palin has done in Alaska?are there roads there yet? a solid waste collection system?i heart she was a city council member, Miss Teen USA Alaska or something and then she was elected governor in 2006.*shakes head*it was a ballsy move, and it made me stop thinking about All That Was Last Night's Speech, but i'm not sure anyone will bite after that.or will you?** **Edit: I'm just reading more about this woman. she seems pretty tough. plus, she had a kid with down syndrome like, 5 minutes ago. she's pretty crazy over drilling in the wildlife refuge, though.oh, forget it. they haven't got a chance in hell.

when there's nothing left to burn

2008-08-27T20:02:00.000-07:00

you've got to set yourself on fire.

i am in love with barack obama.

2008-08-27T20:00:00.000-07:00

he is sooooo dreamy.and his wife makes me cry.i'm not sure what's happening to me ... i'm just an ordinary person ... suddenly i want to do extraordinary things!i'm going to text barack now and tell him the good news ...

rapture-ready

2008-08-26T16:49:00.000-07:00

fyi.hat tip to bloggingpaul.

oooooooo, so that's how bad it can suck!

2008-08-24T18:57:00.000-07:00

errrr ... i 'ran' a half marathon today.this one had much less fanfare and about as half as many tears.'how'd you do?' someone might ask.well, i barfed in the porta pottie, i added 25 minutes to my time and i'm not going to tell you what i did in the field. the ranger will find it, i'm sure. i hope no one wants to steal my DNA.anyway, i had some issues in the morning, and they were compounded by the 90-degree heat. and you'd think a park called 'Glacier Ridge' would include some cool, scenic, maybe even shady areas, but you'd be wrong. the course was one big, hot field that you had to run back and forth through three times. the good thing about that is that i could take my shirt off and toss it on the ground, because i'd have three more opportunities to run by and pick it up!it became evident today that i train on a cushy, shady bike path about a mile fom my house, and i'm rarely in the sun. this was tough on ye old psyche.but you want your training runs to suck hard, so, all-in-all, it was a good time. i literally thought i was going to die, which will make all runs in the future 100 percent better.i finished at 2:49.(that is a terrible time.)the hero of the day, however, is STEVE JOHNSON, MY FATHER, who ran an adjoining 5K and walked maybe 10 steps the whole trip. he shattered his old time of 34+ minutes, finishing just about the 30-minute mark.he rulz!after our race, father and i shared a meal at some steakhouse (or rather, we both ordered, stared and the food and packed it up for later when our tummies were ready) and he spoke of marking out a 5-mile course as "a next step."sucka's got the bug!way to go, pops.you're in trouble now.

i should not be serious on the internet

2008-08-21T21:17:00.000-07:00

i don't know if it's because the sun goes down a bit earlier than it used to, or if it's the blanket i use in the mornings, or if it's how we talked about buying a light for the office. or maybe it was that rest stop, or maybe it all starts happening a little faster once you've put in a solid quarter-century, but it feels a little like college tonight. can you remember what that means?it's a little like a rooster chasing a bulldog. you're confident enough to run after it, but you're not quite sure what you'll do when you get there. you haven't thought it through.what i meant to say is that i went to bible study tonight.we spoke of how god requires time. like your boyfriend or your girlfriend requires time. only he's mostly invisible. which makes planning a little more difficult.and how at the end of the day, it's just you and him. there will be no one else standing around. there will be no one there to blame it on. we're not here to talk about how mean they were to you, he'll say. i want to talk about how you responded to me.awkward.and how jesus, who was pretty decent overall, was often seen scampering into the woods to pray.and how if he, who was pretty decent overall, went scampering into the woods to pray, then how arrogant is it of you -- who are not that decent, let's be honest -- how arrogant is it of you to think you can put your feet on the floor every morning without addressing him yourself?we all live and breath such arrogance. we're self-made.and then I think about what your life must be like, probably still getting up at 5 in the morning to pursue your pathetic little dreams. It just makes me sad.I mean, where are you really trying to get to anyway? And what are you doing in that limo? Who the eff do you think you are?*throws giant Pepsi at limo**runs away*

five amazing things about jess meyer

2008-08-21T19:34:00.000-07:00

in a few short weeks, my friend jess meyer is leaving for macedonia to serve in the peace corps. she will be there for 2.25 years. that's, like, 2010, people. obama will be halfway through his first term as president.

that's.crazy town.In the meantime, she's going on a whirlwind tour of the US -- which includes: Oakland, Chicago, New York, LA, Boston and, as of Saturday, Bangs, OH-IO. we didn't really have any sort of entertainment to provide jess other than ourselves, a handful of chickens and some chairs -- plus a really weird diner that offered huge servings of fountain soda for like 40 cents or something.still, it was comfortable. it was good conversation, and it was refreshing. for those of you who don't know Jessm, I've provided a top five list of things I love about her. it will help you get the gist:

she's abandoning everything familiar -- land, food, air, water, conversation, culture -- so that she can do some good work in the world.
afterellen.com
she loves puzzles
if you make a joke that's good enough, you'll earn a handshake from her. this is affirming in many ways. it basically gives me the confidence to go on.
she has a keen eye for quirkiness, and can relate tales of her time in Alaska, or even watching the Olympicswith her sister, in a way that the best fiction writers could not achieve. but the stories are true, no matter how many times you call her a liar and shortly thereafter receive a postcard in the mail of a cat painted like charlie chapman.

what i'm saying is that is was super nice to visit. and that i'm so very proud of you, and that i'm glad you'll have DSL in macedonia.

i got a new laptop

2008-08-19T16:23:00.000-07:00

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8itj-rLhB3w]and seth said the webcam would be useless.

Barns for Obama!

2008-08-18T08:33:00.000-07:00

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xVHGa6mia7Q&color1=11645361&color2=13619151&fs=1]I think I can recommend a good candidate ....[caption id="attachment_1064" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="instead of a tree branch, passers-by could gaze upon obama?"][/caption]

OMG. They DID cut out the gays.

2008-08-17T13:56:00.000-07:00

Save your money. Run Chicago. or Abandon hope.

OMG. BEST. NEWS. EVER.

2008-08-17T13:21:00.000-07:00

My marathon spidey sense was tingling today, so i checked in on the columbusmarathon.com.Look what else I found!Courtesy of Dispatch.com, the best news ever (with commentary):

• The half marathoners, who used to break with marathoners in Bexley, will now stay with the marathoners until they, the half marathoners, break for the finish line on Nationwide Boulevard.

No confusing and potentially devastating splits in the road. plus, I won't get jealous when the half marathoners take that short-cut in Bexley (although this did great for my psyche last year when I thought I was running as fast as the 4-hour marathoners ...)

• The High Street portion of the race has been cut from 5 miles to 3½. To make up the distance, a few more turns have been added in the University District. These changes not only cut down on a stretch of headwind, they add fraternities and sororities to the course.

Although I'm nervous about the increased potential for being taken out by a stray cornhole bag, the High Street portion of the race ... of any race ... is grueling and hellish. Nothing says 'kill me now,' more than running up hill with the sun in your eyes sucking in COTA bus exhaust fumes. Now there will only be 3 miles of that.

• Perhaps the most potentially beneficial change: Grandview has been added to the course, and it will be more downhill than uphill.

I don't care if we have to run in Whitehall as long as we're running downhill.ALERT: I sort of looks like the race course cuts out part of the Olde Towne East portion, where the GLBT community fills the entire neighborhood with rainbow flags, bubbles, costumes and dancing. Looks like miles 8-9 will be on Bryden Road, but. Here's to hoping they didn't chop the most enthusiastic marathon supporters from the race ...I got so excited for this that I signed up today.Why don't you join me?Your heart will grow four sizes to large, and it will only need to pump once a minute, or so i hear.I'm going now to try out my new breathable birthday running gear!

happy birthday, me!

2008-08-15T06:54:00.000-07:00

[caption id="attachment_1053" align="alignright" width="300" caption="this is me on journalism"][/caption]it's not even 9 a.m., and already i had someone try to -- what?! are you tattling on me?! -- I've been called slimy and accused (twice) of taking quotes out of context!it's a good day.this morning, on the way to work, seth said, prophetically, "well, who do you think will hate us today?" which is funny, because i read on Columbus Underground that writers are the only people who think they never have to take responsibility for their work.in fact, it seems to be quite the opposite -- almost like everything we produce is scrutinized by hundreds (thousands?) of people, and unless we print the full discussion word-for-word, we are "taking things out of context," which seems to be the new buzzword meaning "oh, crap. well, that doesn't look very good at all."Doesn't "taken out of context" mean that a reporter used words that would have a different meaning if they were surrounded by other words?! If you say "I really need to learn how to be fluent in Spanish," what sort of context would absolve your acknowledgment that you are not fluent in Spanish?!ugh!?!!!!K!K!K!KP@KEWHY IS PEOPLE SO DUMB.Ok. Thank you. I feel much better.in his defense, seth is being unhorsed by a nationally syndicated columnist. i'm just personally berated by a bunch of **EDIT: Rant censored. For the children.

1 girl 2 cups

2008-08-13T21:30:00.000-07:00

fyi, i had some serious gastrointestinal issues all weekend. if you're freaked out by that sentence, please stop reading immediately. go wash you hands and forget you ever knew me. because after two years, the scars have healed and i'm in the mood to share a tragic tale. because i don't think i ever told you about the time (briefly mentioned here) i had some weird stomach thing and had to poo in a jar.that's a story -- if you can stomach it -- worth sharing on the internet.so, i had this stomach virus, and after two weeks of consuming nothing but crackers (and not being so successful getting those through the door, so to speak) some weird family doctor in Clintonville sent me home with a couple of jars. my directive? to collect a sample.but these were no ordinary jars. these were huge jars. and i had to fill one of them to a certain line. kinda like some horrifying Double Dare challenge -- only the stakes were much, much higher. to this day, I have never met a mortal ordered to accomplish such a task. even maybel the bulldog is spared such demoralizing demands when i take her to the vet's office. she only has to fill a small baggie with with stuff. i met a girl once who had to collect a swab, but never a jar.a jar.so, to make a long story short, the first round was pitiful. i hadn't eaten in years, and i didn't even make it to the 20 percent line. if i remember correctly, the stuff couldn't exactly sit around very long. i had to run it over to the lab when i was ready, and it was an all-or-nothing sort of situation. you can't deliver 20 percent of the goods. so now what?exactly. and if you're wondering what a girl does with a jar she couldn't fill, i'll refer you to the story of Original Sin.you see, when adam and eve ate the fruit from the Tree of Life, shame quickly became the foundation of the human condition. at first, after becoming frighteningly aware of their own nakedness, they sewed some fig leaves together in a meager attempt to cover themselves. then, when the couple heard the sound of the lord as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, they hid from him. they hid behind some trees.and at that moment in time, i, too, knew the raw power of nakedness and shame.so i hid. the jar, that is. i hid the jar in a closet, for fear that my husband would find out my doctor's orders. at the time, i couldn't bring myself to tell him what i had to do. even after two years of marriage, i didn't want to talk about the -- what's another euphemism? -- situation. so i sealed the jar in the bright orange biohazard baggie, and i put it in a place that maybe even god wouldn't know about. i vowed to throw it away in the cover of darkness.the next day, my second attempt was more fruitful, if you will, and after i had done my part, my diagnosis was handed down by Doc Demoralizer. turns out i had "stomach bug" or something equally as vague, and i was told to stay away from crackers (THE BUGS FEED ON THE CRACKERS) and i ate a couple greasy cheeseburgers and was cured in a few short days. true story.in my elated state of mind -- i'm a girl who loves to eat, mind you, and i had been able to for the first time in weeks -- i forgot about the terrible thing i had done in a moment of weakness.i discovered the Jar of Shame when we moved a few months later.i managed to slip the biohazard bag into the trash without anyone noticing. on earth, at least.everyone knows you can't hide your shit from jesus.(there is a deeply meaningful religious parable in there. i can feel it.)

best. mail. day. ever.

2008-08-13T20:21:00.000-07:00

i received Easily the World's Most Amazing T-shirt in the mail today. there is only one person i know with hands tiny enough to pull it off. my only regret is that i'll probably have to take it off eventually to wash it.i'll get you back, my pretty. and your little hands, too.also in the mail today, i received two birthday cards and cash cash monies (plus a stellar raccoon-inspired poem from my aunt) as well as an invitation to my cuzin's weddin' and another invite to my cousin's 16th--gasp--birthday.i clearly remember pushing this little guy around the fayette county fair in a stroller. and he's driving now?! he was born in 1992.i am an old freaking woman.

Running tip No. 4,567: Avoid Fire Thighs.

2008-08-08T19:32:00.000-07:00

So, i'm pretty sure we've already addressed the fact that if you run anything more than, say, 6 miles, men and women alike may experience a burning sensation between the legs. and not the good kind you get from marriage.[caption id="attachment_1043" align="alignleft" width="135" caption="there are no substitutes."][/caption]this is because running causes the legs to move back and forth several hundred times per hour. eventually, your own skin becomes abrasive toward itself, wearing painful holes in your upper leg area. this is where the miracle product Body Glide comes in to play (hat tip to jenny wray for this recommendation.)however, while i was far away from home earlier this evening after running, say, 6 miles, i realized that i had forgotten to apply the product to my inner thighs. crap. but hey! i've got my lip gloss in my pocket! i'll just smear that on there! it cures chapped skin! i'll just slather it on -- problem solved!except i forgot that the lip balm had menthol in it.ha!needless to say, the burning sensation did not go away.the last 4 miles or so were painful, but i was motivated to make it home a little quicker than i would otherwise.

you know of whom i speak

2008-08-06T09:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers:

thank you for contacting us with your concern over theteet's recent surge of inane message board contributions over the world wide web.

we hear your complaint and we value your opinions.

we have put theteet on paid administrative paid while we address the situation internally.

Secrets! Finally! Revealed!

2008-08-05T18:05:00.000-07:00

Living Update:

I have officially lived in Bangs for one month longer than I ever lived in Columbus. It feels like home here. I want to sell rhubarb in the farmer's market. The divide between work and home grows wide.
The people who live and work Downtown told me that my lifestyle will become unsustainable. So how long have I got, Doc? No word on my prognosis.

Religion Update:

We have found a community.
We are finally in a position to welcome any new faces at church, which is much better than being the awkward noobs. Mary has finally stopped asking if we go to Kenyon College, and we have officially been bumped to 'the kids who have been coming' status.
If you ever want to slice your wrists in a warm bath, Ecclesiastes is the way to go.
18 Then I realized that it is good and proper for a man to eat and drink, and to find satisfaction in his toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given him—for this is his lot. 19 Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work—this is a gift of God. 20 He seldom reflects on the days of his life, because God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart.

Running Update:

Long runs can last up to 2 hours. At times, this goal of 26 miles seems arbitrary. Discipline SUX.

Johnson Update:

When I last spoke with my sister, she went on for 45 minutes about how happy her life has become. It's about dern time.
Free Brown's tickets and a rented party bus. It will be the cold, November night the six of us will never forget--seven if you count Peyton Manning.

Marriage Update:

Beginning Thursday, I will have been married as long as I went to college. This blows my mind in many ways.
Seth will be home until the 18th, meaning that he will be with me on my birthday. Seventeen stars all around.
Let's talk about Aug. 18-23.

Colleen Update:

Apparently, she's with us again.

he said/she said

2008-08-05T16:38:00.000-07:00

Special "email from my much more successful husband" Edition:he said: Just got off the phone with the Wall Street Journal...The WSJ as I like to call them...Seems they like my Amish photos and want to publish them in an upcoming issue. So, yeah, no big deal. I'd be lying if I said this call wasn't expected.Well, gotta run. What do you think I do? Sit around typing emails to nobodies all day?

Special Guest Column Vol. II:

2008-08-01T12:22:00.000-07:00

As if you needed proof that the world lives and breathes theteet.com, we're getting emails from promising young writers who would kill to have their byline grace our pages:

[caption id="attachment_1025" align="alignright" width="266" caption="freelance intern for theteet.com"][/caption]

Something for Theteet.com

By ERIK JOHNS

I've been going through my extensive catalog of George Carlin materials since his death, and I came across this gem, which I think would make a perfect entry on yer little site:

Are we so much better than chickens? When did that happen? Name six ways we're better than chickens. See? No one can do it. You know why? Because chickens are decent people.

You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No. You don't see chickens strappin' someone to a chair and hookin' up their nuts to a car battery. And when's the last time you heard about a chicken who came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen? Huh? It doesn't happen. You know why? Because chickens are decent people.

one is the loneliest number.

2008-07-29T06:49:00.000-07:00

i'm rarely alone, and unless i'm at a matinee, i generally prefer it that way. after about 4 hours of living inside my head, i'm ready to have someone else contribute to the conversation. plus, i am afraid of things like clowns and robbers and coyotes. i would probably be pretty easy to kill.

this is why i am disheartened to learn that my hubby will be away on business for a week. on my birthday!

turning a year older when you're alone is zero fun. luckily, i have a scheduled visit from jessm on the 16th, but i am currently seeking apllicaions to fill out the rest of the week. is anybody bored? does anybody want to come to Ohio, or want me to drive out to them? please?! i can't stay too long -- i've got the chickens to take care of -- but i could use a little help from my friends.

(mom? sis? who's up for a Mumbo Jumbo Tropicana Bahama Mama at Red Lobster?)

oh -- and thanks for the outpouring of support for your murderous teet. i really appreciated it.

enjoy each jam sandwich as if it were your last.

Lil'Peckers: two things have died since we last spoke.

2008-07-27T12:20:00.000-07:00

[caption id="attachment_999" align="alignleft" width="240" caption="in the name of the father, the son and the holy spirit"][/caption]one of those things is my littlest hen. the other thing is the raccoon that ate her. RIP to everyone involved.a round of tears, bullets and several life lessons later, I'm here to report that I -- yes, your little teet -- singlehandedly purchased a firearm, trapped a raccoon, shot, killed and disposed of its carcass.there are two ways to tell this story. there's the lighthearted city-girl-kills-first-coon sort of version, where theteet gets spittin' mad and sets out for blood, but i think i might have to save that version for a few months down the road when the novelty has worn off. for now, the tale is mostly traumatizing.you see, as complicated as our circulatory systems might be, we are very, very mortal. did you know that you are a few pints of blood, one sharp metal object or blunt trauma away from leaving this earth? when people are sick, or when we're in a situation where we must acknowledge this truth in any way, things become uncomfortable. despite the fact that it's the only thing we have in common, death is something we rarely talk about. we change the subject.this same don't-ask-don't-tell policy has infiltrated our food/consumer supply and our relationship with god and plant and beast. i bet today you've already eaten one or two different animals or used their skin or eyes or teeth or whatever they put in shampoo and stuff. in other words, i can't believe it took me 25 years to do the dirty deed myself for once.thursday night, a raccoon dug a small moat around our chicken coop until he found a penetrable spot by the wheel. he snuck in, grabbed the tiny chicken i had nursed back to 'health' (she was still the littlest one. we called her 'Gimp') and he ate it, presumably while the other chickens were running around wild-scared inside the coop. it looked like a feather bomb had gone off, if such a thing exists.seth had to leave for business, so it was up to me to protect the flock.i decided that trapping and then shooting the critter would be the best move. (i know-what?!) there were other options -- i could string moth balls around the cage, sprinkle coyote urine, or try other various things to deter the raccoon with no guaranteed success. 1-8-7 was the only fullproof option. i made the decision that the raccoon had breached contract and must die. i didn't want to loose one chicken per night testing out other methods.plus, i knew that even if i managed to a) buy a gun that day, and b) stake out a decent spot to shoot the critter, c) was able to stay up all night, and d) was lucky enough to SEE a raccoon, i would not be lucky enough to shoot and kill it. i would probably blow off a paw or shoot it in the gut or, most likely, miss it all together.so after work friday i bought a live trap at TSC and i called my father, who served up a harsh reality check:"Lyndsey, you're going to have a pissed off raccoon in that trap when you wake up tomorrow morning."Father, a professional raccoon sniper himself, warned me that when approached, the raccoon would sound and act like a grizzly bear. he would hiss, growl and snarl. he would dig up all the grass around the trap. if i reached for the handle, he would bite, scratch, claw and "scare the shit" out of me. if i opened the cage, he would come after me. there would be no setting the animal free. no turning back.[caption id="attachment_917" align="alignright" width="300" caption="A chicken avenged: Gimp (at right) during happier times."][/caption]so i set the trap that night and secured the chickens in the garage (that's another story all together -- it involves a ladder and a flock of chickens roosting in the top of an apple tree. oh, and the organizational director of "My Ohio Now.") and i went to bed praying that the raccoon would be too smart to be tempted by the jam sandwich i had left for him in the trap.at 7 a.m. the next morning, i had a raccoon in the trap. the problem was, he wasn't pissed off. the raccoon was as docile and polite as you could imagine. he sat like a cute little housecat, digging at the bottom of the cage. the only sound he made was a short, terrified breathing noise as he looked up and saw me standing there. the shit was not scared out of me. i did not fear for my life. in fact, it almost seemed like i had just lured a defenseless animal with blueberry jam and trapped him in a cage. i went into my bedroom and cried for five minutes, and then i set out for the store.Wal-Mart doesn't sell guns until 9 a.m., FYI. even then, the friendly gun salesmen were not taking me very seriously. the night before, as i was browsing their selection, they had told me that i didn't know enough about guns to buy one, that i needed training first and that i should come back later -- with my husband -- all but refusing to sell me a firearm.this morning, there were more serious circumstances, and (thank god) a different salesman. he told me the story of the time he shot a raccoon between the eyes, only to have it stand up on two legs and charge after him like a bear. perfect.after a background check, a few manager's signatures and an escort back to the Honda, i made my purchase -- a lady-sized .22 rifle -- and was on my way. for the first time in my life, i had the thought: "which is more dangerous: the gun in my back seat, or the car i'm driving it home in?"45 minutes of target practice later, i had no other acceptable excuse to delay. i had read the user manual 12 times, and all the while, the raccoon had been scared to death in his little cage. the longer i waited, the further i would prolong his suffering. i walked over to the raccoon and i said a prayer out loud to Jesus: "please do not let this raccoon suffer, and more importantly, please do not let me suffer as a result of killing this raccoon."i pointed the rifle at the raccoon. he looked at me, and looked away quickly. i told him not to move, and he looked back with his big brown eyes and his fuzzy little face and i pulled the trigger. for the next 5-5,555 seconds the the raccoon twitched wildly inside the cage. i saw that i had hit him between the eyes, but just to be sure i didn't eff it up, i shot him 2 more times in the head. later, people would tell me that this was unnecessary.i immediately begun shouting the lord's name -- i'm not sure if it was in vain, or if i was really crying for his assistance -- until the raccoon stopped moving. it was finished. i cried for five more minutes, and put the dead raccoon out in the field, where the buzzards circle him now.whether you think i'm a wuss or a monster, the truth is, i'm a better person for have killing this varmint. i can't really explain it right now, but there is some lesson in death, suffering, protecting the flock, being on top of the food chain, etc. etc. i passed about a dozen dead raccoon carcasses on the side of the road today, but it doesn't diminish this feeling. that only happens with time.Editor’s Note: This is Part Eight of our ongoing series about theteet’s foray into the world of the chicken farmer. Descriptions are graphic.

Jam challenge.

2008-07-24T06:38:00.000-07:00

Seth and I were sitting on the picnic table last evening, when one of the chickens jumped up and pooped beside us.Please stay with me because this story gets even better.The poo was purple and lumpy, and Seth said "I wish I could eat so many berries that I poop jam."Then he bought 5 quarts of blueberries and ate them in one sitting. He's out on the picnic table now.

i think everyone here knew it was bound to happen

2008-07-24T06:19:00.000-07:00

Ok. Now I'm starting to get a bit jealous.[caption id="attachment_858" align="alignleft" width="169" caption="commented here: Megan Pringle"][/caption]

Search Terms ending 2008-07-24 (Summarized)

Search Views
megan pringle 104
the teet 95
monique ming laven 63
i hate my cousin 56
lyndsey teter 42
lyndsey teter blog 31
bible jokes 30

Search	Views
megan pringle	104
the teet	95
monique ming laven	63
i hate my cousin	56
lyndsey teter	42
lyndsey teter blog	31
bible jokes	30

[caption id="attachment_851" align="alignright" width="240" caption="Gutless Goot."][/caption] In other Celebrities Who Have Contacted Me Personally News, Meredith Somers shared this with me last week, and I am still shocked and terrified by it. The same man who emailed me long ago is dropping F-Bombs, carousing women and dressing Hollywood Cool. His body is his instrument?! Tears.

Look Out, New York Ladies: The Goot Is Loose!

Steve Guttenberg, bumped from L.A. by Tom Cruise, is in town looking for Ms. Right: 'I am a seducer, I'm a salesman'By Spencer MorganJuly 15, 2008

This article was published in the July 21, 2008, edition of The New York ObserverAbout two years ago, Steve Guttenberg walked into the showbiz haunt Crustacean on Santa Monica Boulevard in Beverly Hills.

“I walked in and the maitre d’ made a big deal for me,” said Mr. Guttenberg. The Goot—as he’s known to his friends—appreciated the show. To hear him tell it, eating in public in Los Angeles is a dangerous business for an actor whose last box office hit was Three Men and a Baby in 1987.

“All of a sudden, the maitre d’ says, ‘Get out of the way!’” said Mr. Guttenberg. “And they literally threw me to the side and Tom Cruise came in. And he sat Tom Cruise and said, ‘I’m so sorry, but you know, Tom Cruise.’ And I’m like, ‘Holy fuck.’”

So after three decades in L.A., he bought a place on the Upper West Side. “I came to New York to find a better life,” he said. Uprooting took some time. The 15-year-old golden retriever he loved dearly was old and sick; the golden died a month ago. So two weeks ago, the wavy-haired, Brooklyn-born 49-year-old actor, who describes his career as a “32-year-overnight success,” finally made it back to New York City.

“In L.A., I think about what I don’t have,” he told me. “In New York, I think about what I do have. And I’m really tired of comparing myself to Tom Cruise.”

We met on a recent afternoon at the Players Club, which faces Gramercy Park and was founded in 1888 by the great stage actor Edwin Booth and Mark Twain, among many others. The walls are lined with paintings of great actors, many of them long passed, but all familiar to the man who memorably embodied the role of Newton Crosby, the cheery scientist who created and learned to love a military robot in Short Circuit.

Mr. Guttenberg was wearing a starched white V-neck, a pair of black aviators hooked at the V, distressed jeans ripped at the knee, and some Wallabees. Textbook Hollywood-casual.

“I turned around, and took a good look at myself, and I didn’t like what I saw,” he continued. “I started to lose some of my values. Hollywood is a place where people spend more than they make to impress people they don’t like, who don’t care anyway. And I have a certain weakness of character, and I’m at this point in my life, I’m not strong enough to live there.

“I pop out of bed at 6:30. And I say my prayers, and every day have a little hot water and lemon, that’s my start,” he said. “And I go take a run in Central Park.” The other day, he met an attractive female jogger. Got her digits. They went on a date. Didn’t work out, but last Thursday he took a blond Cornell grad to the Water Club.

“Nothing sexier than a smart woman,” he said. “The Goot is on the loose.”

After his morning jog, he hits the gym in his building; he lives in the Reebok Condo on Columbus Avenue and 67th Street. “I’ve tried to stay fit, you know, because it’s my instrument, this is my violin,” he said, gesturing over his body. “I play the violin. So I want to keep it tuned up …. So I work out there during the day, and then I write.”

Writing takes up a good three hours. He’s working on a play, two scripts and a book about his first 10 years in Hollywood. Tentative title: Diary of a Seducer. Then he’ll cook himself a light lunch. He goes to MoMA a few times a week. He watches a movie every day—yesterday he saw Hancock, before that it was Wall-E, the day before it was M*A*S*H. He tries to read part of a great play every day; right now it’s House of Blue Leaves, by John Guare.

At the Players Club, he showed me Mr. Booth’s room, which has been preserved as it was when he died. “It makes you think, right?” he said. “Nothing really matters. Like Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, who cares? … You know, it’s like time, the great equalizer.”

On the balcony overlooking Gramercy Park, he talked about his career. You might have seen him on Dancing With the Stars. What you probably don’t know is that in the past two years, the Goot has done eight indie films.

“I go in spurts,” he said. Upcoming Goot pictures include Mojave Phone Booth, about a phone booth in the middle of the desert, and Major Movie Star, in which he plays Jessica Simpson’s dad.

“I guess that’s just an artist’s life,” he said, gazing out over the park. His eyes are almost yellow; his smile is equally dramatic and bright; he looks like an ecstatic child. “And sometimes it’ll appear that an artist isn’t doing anything, but he’s doing his own work, or he’s doing work that you don’t see. And I feel I’m very, very fortunate to have the career I have. I’ve done some popular work, and I’ve done some artistic work that hasn’t been as popular but has a lot of merit.”

For example, there was P.S. Your Cat Is Dead!, which he adapted from the play by James Kirkwood and directed. “I think an actor can only do what he’s offered. So if you don’t get offered the stuff that you want, you don’t work. You know, so many people would say to me, ‘You haven’t worked in this long,’ like it’s a crime. You know, I’m an artist. I paint when I want to paint.

“I remember being in the Four Seasons Hotel having lunch and John Travolta came in before Pulp Fiction,” he continued. “And I remember people who knew him were turning away, because they didn’t want anyone to see him talking to them ’cause he wasn’t hot.”

The Goot may feel that he never really got his big break. But who can forget Cadet Carey Mahoney in the Police Academy movies, 1 through 4. Or him stealing the movie from Kevin Bacon in Barry Levinson’s 1982 picture, Diner? He also played the shirtless captain of the boat that aliens use to rescue their friends in Cocoon, a role he reprised in the sequel. And Three Men and a Baby was the biggest film of 1987! Three Men and a Little Lady, not so much.

You’d think that those successes and the various others would be enough for a man to hang his hat on. Not the Goot. He’s a worrier. Next Page >

i will do this Sunday.

2008-07-23T06:34:00.000-07:00

07/23/2008 Route
Find more Runs in Mt Vernon, Ohio

i know the treasure you seek.

2008-07-22T20:22:00.000-07:00

[caption id="attachment_999" align="alignleft" width="240" caption="dead to me"][/caption]Raccoons are the worst creatures on the planet.Last night one of these obnoxious beasts pulled down EVERY STOCK OF CORN THAT WE have grown and ate them.Losing garden produce to critters is irritating, but sort of expected. The bigger offense came when we discovered a huge hole had been dug at the corner of our chicken coop.raccoon. listen up.if you so much as even think of putting one tiny claw into one of my hens, i will go vigilante on your ass.there are no animal courts in Guantanamo Bangs, my brother. i will take the day off work, i will hunt you down, yank your ass out of whatever den you're sleeping in, and i will rip off your little paws one at a time until you'd wish you were dead. but i'll leave you alive so you don't miss me trapping and killing your dearest friends and loved ones.this is what shall come to pass if you eat my chickens.do not seek the treasure.ps - now, this guy knows how to blog about raccoon problems. we haven't tried christian rock or Rush Limbaugh yet ...

he said/she said

2008-07-21T15:55:00.000-07:00

Special "driving by an Amish church service on a pleasant Sunday afternoon" edition.

L-Jo: oh ... My ...
Steter: look at that
L-Jo: I have never seen anything like that before! Look at all the buggies!
Steter: and they're waving now...
L-Jo: benches! Lined up ... How many do you think were crammed into that barn? />Steter:
L-jo:
Steter: they do something quaint like that and then they get mad if you take their picture.
L-Jo: I know! And the haircuts. Did you see the haircuts?
Steter: "Hi, we're Amish. We're going to line our children up according to height and have them push handmade wooden wheelbarrows down the road -- but don' take our picture!"
L-Jo: Bastards.

SUMMER!

2008-07-20T16:42:00.000-07:00

Today we fired up the pressure canner for its inaugural run. What a wonderful machine, a "pressure canner." A lovely gift, mother. The whole thing seems very dangerous, what with the plethora of orange warning labels, the propane tank, the steam weight hissing violently around in a circle.There is a gauge on the thing that reads all the way to "CAUTION." I'm not sure why you'd get there in the first place, but I have no interest trying. It's like a car that registers to 400 mph. Why on earth would that happen?We canned green and yellow beans, and we pickled some of our green tomatoes for salads. It was a meager attempt at a preemptive strike.We have something like 25 tomato plants, and unlike last year when i let them grow wild, all have been properly suckered and trimmed for the duration. That means we have something like 2,365 enormous green tomatoes on the vine -- all weighing the plants down, almost snapping the tomato stakes (BAMBOO IS NO GOOD!)I fear that one day we will wake up to see them all red at once.If you've ever grown a large quantity of tomatoes, you know that once they start, they don't stop, and that you're canning constantly until the fall. we are just using our last jars from last year, so this is perfect timing. But the green tomato salsa stuff barely put a dent in the crop.We also are making something called Blueberry Butter, which is as good as it sounds.The problem is that I want to make everything in this book:[caption id="attachment_993" align="alignnone" width="300" caption="another good gift"][/caption]4 recipes down, 396 to go.This Barbara Kingsolver sure knows a lot about gardening. She planted 200 potatoes to last her family the winter. And how does one make "seedling potatoes" ?There is much yet to learn. But soon, we'll never need to go to the grocery store again.

i already read that.

2008-07-18T12:09:00.000-07:00

my google reader is on the fritz. this is traumatizing in many ways.In the meantime, here's something that's long overdue:He said/She said: Special DIRRRTY Edition.set-up: so we're getting ready to launch our new website at work (henceforth known as Project 1994) and you'll be happy to know that our first official executive decision involved an emailed list of predetermined swear words. we had to decide that we would not allow in our comments section of our online newspaper. there are several hes and shes involved in this conversation.she said: you can't say boobies? that's ridiculous. she said. this is an alternative weekly.he said:she said: what's smegma?he said: i'm not telling.he said: well, it's the stuff you find ... under the foldshe said: (scrolling feverishly to the top of the email) did dick cheese make it?he said: hmm. you can say dick cheese.she said:she said: but you can't say lesbot?

'burbs v. Dowtown Dwellers: a popularity guide

2008-07-16T13:37:00.000-07:00

[googlemaps http://maps.google.com/maps/ms?ie=UTF8&hl=en&msa=0&msid=100915606616793013447.00045229d5e0182c0103d&ll=40.087256,-82.874336&spn=0.658753,0.832901&output=embed&s=AARTsJoCH9_BghypVxjtKKJjfxikRq6gUg&w=425&h=350]

i am reading my life.

2008-07-14T07:11:00.000-07:00

[caption id="attachment_981" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="is it okay to kiss each page as i flip by?"][/caption]

Jesus Alert: Finding God in Happiness.

2008-07-09T19:54:00.000-07:00

[wp_caption id="attachment_974" align="alignright" width="157" caption="lambs: jesus was rarely seen without one."][/wp_caption]WARNING: RELIGION AHEAD. MAY CONTAIN SPIRITUAL REFERENCES. PROCEED WITH CAUTION. YOU MAY BE CONVERTED.my life is an open book. there are parts in it.when i drift too far from the shore, as they say in bluegrass gospels, there is always one thing guaranteed to bring me back: Rock Bottom.i always come back to jesus when i am either wearing some sort of neck brace in an ambulance, passed out on a dirty bathroom floor in a frat house or puking on a member of law enforcement. other times i've just committed some terrible, unmentionable criminal or moral offense.i call them my 'this isn't working,' moments, when life choices seem -- unwise. it is usually here when i vow to abandon all harmful behavior, and like any good dog set on not returning to his vomit, i crack open my bible and i set out anew. for an average of about three months.a wretched man that i am. who will deliver me?but in the wake of shitstorm 2007, the clouds have given way to blue skies and all is peaceful and happy in family, job, food, health, finances.i have never crawled back to jesus in this state of mind.it will be interesting to see what happens next, no? place your bets.

Lil'Peckers: The Revenge

2008-07-09T17:32:00.000-07:00

Editor’s Note: This is Part Seven of our ongoing series about theteet’s foray into the world of the chicken farmer. Descriptions are graphic.

Special "Just when you thought, 'what could she possibly have left to say about chickens!?'" Lil' Peckers Edition.

So, this morning I walked outside before work to spend some time with the flock in the garden when suddenly ... a rooster crowed, which is pretty impressive for a hen. especially with those large waddly things hanging from her face.oh, wait. [wp_caption id="attachment_971" align="alignright" width="210" caption="whoever sexed this thing is totally fired."][/wp_caption] that's totally a dude.my brother-in-law had a similar incident with a rooster they named Austin Powers (i.e., 'she's a man, baby, yeah.') In that spirit, and only bill melville will understand this reference, I am going to name our impostor Mary Ann--maybe just Krauss for short.the chicken does have very large hands.MAK probably could have gotten away with it if he hadn't opened his big mouth.and now i'm off to research the reproductive cycles of poultry. MAK's sperm could be devastating for the future of our omelets.

there comes a time

2008-07-07T18:00:00.000-07:00

in every girl's life when her garden is weeded, her house and garage are as clean as they can be and she no longer has to cover any night meetings.is that ... am i ... it's a strange, foriegn sensation. it's like when you become aware of time passing slowly and then there's nothing to fill it. it's like a hanging in the air. i think the city kids call it 'waiting for activities to happen,' or 'looking for activities to fill the time.' yes. that must be the name of this feeling i am feeling.let's get to the point: seth and i just had the Best Weekend Ever.[wp_caption id="attachment_978" align="alignright" width="300" caption="This child kills me."][/wp_caption]we had the whole fam-damily up for a cook/camp out, where much quality time was accrued. johnsons, although outnumbered by teters, managed to mix perfectly with the crowd--when they hadn't snuck away in the woods to smoke or pop painkillers, that is. :) these are my people whom i love. we will cook the tastiest side dishes you can imagine. we will dominate you at cornhole.we got jacob's new white shoes caked with mud. i hope he's allowed to come back to Bangs. there was a memorable moment after the fireworks when he fell asleep as i carried him 100 feet back to the car. i was impressed by his zero-to-60-and-back-again capabilities. it must be nice to be 3.owie won the heart of my father simply by appearingcomfortable on the farm with the chickens. he was totally in his element. he has a john deer, after all.and melia, who is not yet 1, signed 'more! more!' during the mount vernon fireworks. she ain't no scared sucker-baby.[wp_caption id="attachment_979" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="I know the feeling."][/wp_caption]Christy pretty much kept tabs on my fourth neice or nephew. this family is growing out of control.Sunday, we had our pastor and his wife over for an evening picnic.i don't want to spoil it, but i think they could be the one.he is, and i think i have this right: a new york italian raised roman catholic with the occasional yiddish phrase every now and then. early 50s. accordion rocker. and his better half? she's a little firecracker. a pistola. and totally rad in my mind. photojournalist/documentaries/music/teacher/student/the works. do you think they'll call us for a second date? (!)and this might break your WHOLES-O-MEters: we hope to hit up a b-i-b-l-e study this week.wish me luck.**EDIT: please click on this link for an illustration of half the P-Do-Las. There is no better picture ever taken.

theteet: Confusing, adorable and hilarious.

2008-07-03T21:03:00.000-07:00

Don't believe me? Just ask MEGAN PRINGLE!!!!!!!!!111!!1!!!111!!one!!!!!!![wp_caption id="attachment_858" align="alignright" width="169" caption="'Very entertained' by theteet: Megan Pringle"][/wp_caption]oh my god. oh my god. oh my god.MEGAN PRINGLE really did comment on my blog this time.it's not my cousin, even.every sentence must be a new paragraph.today is a day that will live in infamy -- or famy, rather. today is a famous day.For those intrigued but too lazy to click:

New comment on your post #856 "oh my god oh my god oh my god"Author : Megan Pringle (IP:st.net)Comment:Well now I feel compelled to comment on your blog!My brother told me about this website.All I can say is wow...reading it has left be amused, a little confused, but most of all very entertained. It's adorable and hilarious.I'm now in a new city with a new four dollar coffee.I enjoyed chatting with you at Starbucks!Take care!PS - Two lattes (one for me, one for my fella)

Just to update regular readers of theteet, a search for megan pringle (still) brings 1-2 unique visitors to my site every day. At first, I accidentally mentioned her in a blog post that drew rave reviews, and then i used her fame to shamelessly increase my site traffic. But somewhere along the line, it morphed into a paralyzing fascination -- just like in the movies! But my weird obsession can't top whomever does 1-2 searches for her every day and always -- disappointingly, i'm sure -- ends up here.Apparently Megan has a new city and a new (ggrrrrrr) Starbucks. Oh, and a brother!!! I tried to Google her name to find out more, but it was like chasing my own tail.Speaking of sexy referrers, watch out Megan Pringle -- Monique Ming Laven is still a distant third, but she could be a dark horse:

Search Terms for all days ending 2008-07-04 (Summarized)

Search	Views
the teet	94
megan pringle	89
monique ming laven	56
i hate my cousin	47
lyndsey teter	41
lyndsey teter blog	31
bible jokes	28

Lil'Peckers: DayFifty.

2008-07-01T18:24:00.000-07:00

Editor’s Note: This is Part Six of our ongoing series about theteet’s foray into the world of the chicken farmer. Descriptions are graphic.

these birds died trying to steal copper wire.

this, my friends, is the cold, hard, deep-frozen reality of the omnivore.if you've ever carved into a rotisserie chicken or chomped down on a chicken salad sandwich, don't act like you don't have blood on your hands. plus, these Teter-range® chickens, as jaydubs, well, dubbed them, lived a guaranteed happy life, as short as it may have been. i think they were hormone-free, unless you count the antibiotics that came in their baby chick feed ... ? anyway, we didn't inject any green slime into them like they show on the PETA videos.if Seth believed in blogging, this entry would be much more entertaining. this morning he took the birds to a local Amish family who killed and dressed them for us while he waited. apparently one of the seven or so children was strangely intoxicated by his own chicken-erasing powers.there are eight egg-layers left to live another day. (those birds, in my opinion, are much, much cooler and pleasant to have around. the others seemed to rarely take their heads out of the feeding trough. crazy Cornish-rocks.) eggs are expected by august, maybe?in sum, it's much harder to let someone kill your pig than your chickens. unless my heart has hardened. also, in one word: Rotisserie. annnnnnnnd Dinner.

Lil' Peckers: Days FortyFiveFortySixFortySeven

2008-07-01T17:57:00.000-07:00

Editor’s Note: This is Part Five of our ongoing series about theteet’s foray into the world of the chicken farmer. Descriptions are graphic.Maybel and the chickens have become fast friends.

also, chicken farming is easy.

dear mom and dad:*

2008-06-28T14:02:00.000-07:00

there's good news and there's bad news.the good news is that we're canceling our order, and you won't have to load up that new truck of yours with firewood for our Fourth of July party.the bad news is that the largest tree on our lot split in half and fell across the driveway. oh, and it took another maple tree down with it.

two questions: 1.) does anybody own a chainsaw? 2.) will this hurt my chances of going to comfest?it was a storm, alright. but not a Shitstorm, thank god.

the honda is nervous.

EDIT: and then a few minutes later, maybel got sprayed by a skunk.Contrary to whatever advice NBC4's MArshal McPeek may offer, I stayed away from the feminine products and instead came up with this 2-hour cycle that will guarantee results:1.) bathe with dog shampoo2.) soak with 5c tomato sauce 10-20 minutes3.) dog shampoo4.) soak with 2c hydrogen peroxide, some baking soda and dish soap.5.) dog shampoo6.) repeat steps 4-57.) finish with a strong-smelling conditioner, like Aussie.

sad pig

we didn't follow the No. 1 rule, which is "Do not bring the dog in the house to bathe her because the smell will linger for two weeks," so, we've got that going for us. poor pig. it got her right in the kisser.

watch her become religous overnight.

2008-06-26T19:16:00.000-07:00

re: Gays.I'm pretty sure that Jesus was in the habit of reaching out to marginalized groups -- not creating them.re: The One True Religion.Anyone who buys into Jesus and says there is 'more than one path to heaven' is either pandering or not reading the Bible. Cowboy up, pious ones. If there were multiple options, there would be no need for Hey-suse. Feel the burn of a glare once in a while, will ya?**EDIT: There are lots of paths that lead toward heaven. But most of them are flooded at some point on the way there. It's like trying to drive to Athens after a good rainstorm. If you're in a sedan (which represents the wretched, sinful vehicle that is man) there's only one route that's fullproof. ****EDIT: What?

my reckless use of the em dash -- god's favorite punctuation mark -- has been called into question

2008-06-26T07:01:00.000-07:00

whilst proofreading my last article, e-johns counted 24 double-dashes. in recent hours, it has also become apparent that my editor has a fondness for the double-dash -- not to be confused with a mere 'hyphen' -- as well.this is a dangerous pairing. TOP is doomed.but consider the power of the em dash, which works -- as moses did -- to part the waves of prose so that the all-important parenthetical thought can safely pass. no need to finish that thought or sentence --let the Daddy Longdash take it home.Cut short?Let the double-dash show emotion that has become --truncated.oh, em dash.now that our torrid affair has been brought into the light, i shan't ever look at you the same way again.

besties

2008-06-24T16:50:00.000-07:00

Add Glitter to your Photoswe blame evil jaydubs for this.

it's hard out here for a pimp

2008-06-24T16:12:00.000-07:00

Build your own Blingee

on the internet, people are not people.

2008-06-24T12:10:00.000-07:00

they become hostile and intolerable at lightning speeds. they assume the worst, pick at nits and insert their own insecurities.also, studies show the word "f*cktard" is used with increased frequency on the web vs. real world communication, coming in second only to rush-hour-driving conversations that take place between solitary commuters.after this, it's strictly happy hour mingling for this teterbot. who's comin' with me? obviously this, however, is the glaring exception:Build your own Blingee

my weekend: lost in draft

2008-06-18T19:34:00.000-07:00

Here is a list of people who will forever rock:lin, lisa, meredith, mr. mike and erik.these people came out to see my chickens during a thunderstorm warning--and no, that's not a euphemism. i am tattooing their names on my chest. you should strive to be more like them. (and please bring pie, guns, miller lite or rock salt when you come.)on Father's Day, steven j requested that we drive up to Ashland and chop wood all day long with a log splitter, which, if you've never used one, is an incredible and dangerous machine. i've never had so much fun making firewood in all my life. dad managed to chop only one log the entire afternoon. he spent most of the time fetching beers or repairing the gas line he split whilst pounding supports for the wood pile into the soft ground.i am excited that i learned about a new way to join copper piping underground. the flare joint. have you hear about this?if there is a nuclear holocaust, we will be the only ones left alive.in other news, do you remember when you first learned that your lungs take in oxygen and that your veins (or is it arteries?) deliver the goods to your heart? or do you remember when you learned that you have a circulatory system?no?well, i remember feeling a bit impressed and also thankful when i understood these things. it's nice to suddenly appreciate something you didn't know was already working in your favor. not to get all, like, My-So-Called-Life on you, but that is how i feel living on a 'farm' and working as a journalist. it's just a constant flow of new information, (so that's how that works!) and there are always lots of new ways to feel connected and overwhelmingly joyful -- you know, like, when you learn about flare joints. or that church steeples originate from the pagan practice of worshiping the erect penis of a fertility god. or when you meet people. or control the pH of your garden soil.i am so happy with life right now that i keep waiting for something terrible to happen.what i meant to say was: don't listen to me. i am totally high.

crap.

2008-06-17T19:06:00.000-07:00

now i have to run a marathon.last night as i was wrapping up a four mile jog, this song descended upon my iPod mid-shuffle:[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHbQ-dKCkUc&hl=en]the clouds were billowing in all the right places, the birds were singing and the cows were lined in a row, swaying back and forth as they encouraged me to follow my dream. before i knew it, i had accidentally envisioned myself tearfully crossing the line of the columbus marathon in october.later, i found this: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNHLywCfnHI&hl=en]fyi, i tearfully finished my first half marathon to this:[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-GugzLSbOQE&hl=en]and my first 10K, ever more strangely, to this:[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9wN7xbqajE8&hl=en]i'm not sure why this happens. songs about the sea, surrender, skin and tragedy go hand-in-hand with the runner's high, i guess.there are 20 weeks until the C-Bus race. you're only supposed to train up to 20 miles, so theoretically, if you can run one mile this week, and one more mile each week after that, you can run it with me. we can be famous together. after all, mary jo kilroy ran a marathon. why can't you?any takers?

bobcats representin'

2008-06-17T18:37:00.000-07:00

oh, lawd. what will be the title of his first course?From the Big D's James Nash, who seems like he has a playful sense of humor:

Ex-Dann exec goes back to school

After his ill-fated stint as former Attorney General Marc Dann's top nonlegal aide, Edgar C. Simpson evidently has decided to go back to his roots.

Simpson, 44, had been a small-town newspaper editor in Missouri when Dann picked him to run the sprawling non-legal side of his office, which includes policy, communications, purchasing, human resources and some law-enforcement functions.Simpson had worked with, and was close friends with, Dann's wife when both worked for the Tribune Chronicle in Warren.Simpson was forced out of the attorney general's office when an internal probe of sexual-harassment charges revealed his shortcomings as a manager and his often clumsy attempts to suppress the harassment claims. Dann himself quit less than two weeks later.Simpson has enrolled in a master's degree program at Ohio University in journalism, which will allow him to teach the subject, said Tom Hodson, director of the E.W. Scripps School of Journalism.Simpson will teach a basic reporting class to undergraduates as part of his master's program, Hodson said. The position will pay about $9,700 for a semester as well as providing a substantial discount on tuition, he said.

this theteet hates this blog post title

2008-06-13T09:39:00.000-07:00

Blog readership has suffered of late.this is likely due to 1.) it's summer and 2.) people have lives, and 3.) I'm growing up.but more importantly, 4.) my life on the farm has become uninteresting, and will remain uninteresting for several years.plus, my new boss is my most loyal blog reader, so i can't really bitch about all the times he's brought me into the office to yell at me for looting, writing crappy stories, armed robbery, etc. i can quote him as saying "I'm going to make you into a star despite yourself," or something along those lines.we're having fun, aren't we? everyone said we would.i think we might be on our way to Three Weeks Without Some Devastating Change or Departure or Mass Firing, too, which never helps blog stats.boooooooooooooooo. maybe this streak will get cut short! (cross your fingers.)seth and i found a kitten in the barn. this explains why our feral cat was so fat. we thought there was just lots of good eatin' in the fields of Knox County. we touched the kitten, and then tried (unsuccessfully) to feed it before we put it --soaked with milk-- back into the hayloft in the barn. i hope we didn't inadvertently kill it somehow. it's just that we read online that we'd have to feed it with an eyedropper every two hours for four weeks, so we gave up on the ting early.see?uninteresting.please comment.i'm begging you.

'falling like a stiff log off Splash Mountain'

2008-06-11T10:48:00.000-07:00

I read that phrase today, and have tucked it away for future use.anyone who gets it into their respective publication in the next two weeks will win $30 -- but SNPers have to wait until Dennis "Chief of Fun Police" Laycock gets back from vacation, or it would be too easy.or you can win $20 for the following phrase:"_______ is the VHS of ______."(example: Convention Centers are the VHS of urban revitalization.)I'm still waiting to see "perverse and often baffling."I bet Jaydubs can get one of these through.

congrats are in order

2008-06-08T20:09:00.000-07:00

six years and one major brain bleed later, my kid sister has graduated from the ohio state university.good work, little one.she's got a piece of paper in animal sciences, and has already secured gainful employment. she will not, contrary to popular rumors, be paid to smear make-up on baby seal eyelids. she will be injecting blind monkeys with AIDS. i'm kidding. i think she's actually curing cancer by cutting up dead rats, as i understand it.anyway, way to go, sis--although i wish you could've graduated winter quarter. i think i have sun poisoning from spending five hours in the 90-degree heat at the 'Shoe.mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm NBC newsman brian williams (better known as the 2008 OSU commencement speaker) is totally dreamy.

where have all the cowboys gone? Vol. 3,798

2008-06-06T07:07:00.000-07:00

i do not envy modern man.

this is the funniest thing

2008-06-04T08:38:00.000-07:00

i have seen on the Daily Show in eight years.click on me.

Lil'Peckers: Days SeventeenEighteenNineteenTwenty

2008-06-02T18:23:00.000-07:00

Editor’s Note: This is Part Four of our ongoing series about theteet’s foray into the world of the chicken farmer. Descriptions are graphic.

We saved ourselves some money by constructing a Hen Chalet for $300. Retail value for the fancy one shown here is $1,795 (before shipping!)

Our Hen Ghetto-let is not as swank --but at $300, to me, it's got all the right moves.We have not yet put on the trim, and we still need to paint the front, but I got too excited to wait for pictures. Or more flattering light.Can you see the World's Best Garden in the background? The view from our back porch has reached a new level of quaint. This little house holds about 20-30 chickens. Running count on the Teter farm is 22. We've lost five so far for various mysterious reasons --Sudden Chicken Death Syndrome?-- but have nursed one back to health and the remaining birds look active and happy.The Chalet has wheels inside and so we can pull it around the yard every day and let the birds fill up on grubs and bugs and grass. I believe the kids call it 'free range.'If you look closely, you can see how much they pooped and destroyed the ground in one half of one day. And they're not even fully grown yet. These guys will not get to range as free as I'd like (the birds actually hate leaving the hut, but i like to see them wander the yard and have forced them to do so) because we have a feral cat who prowls around waiting to pounce.

Luckily, Maybel remembers the "Get that cat" command, and enjoys chasing our friend back into the barn. I think she likes to protect the flock.Sometimes we get lonely in the country, so we make narratives on behalf of the animals who live with us. In one such narrative, we let Maybel--who has been insanely jealous of the chickens--pick the name of our favorite bird, a fiesty brown layer.Maybel, of course, in an awkward twist of fate, suggested we name it Maybel.Maybel TC (Maybel the chicken) and Maybel TD (Maybel the dog) have become fast friends. I could see them traveling the countryside together solving mysteries.Here is a picture of Maybel TC giving a sermon to the rest of the chickens:I told you it gets lonely on the farm.

i can't emphasize enough

2008-06-02T16:41:00.000-07:00

that i am ready to settle down. get comfortable with me for a second, will you? no more surprises and no more changes, deal? It's 2008: The Long Road Home, and we're almost there. I can feel it.re: aaron marshall. i met him at a thing on friday. you wouldn't believe the things. oh, who am i kidding? i don't have the heart to pick another internet fight--faux or otherwise.i'm a little heartbroken. i thought blogging would help, but it only made it worse. actually, the first two sentances felt nice, but the third didn't have the same spark. the fourth sentence made me feel neutral, and then everything pretty much went to hell after that.if you need me, i'll be in my room listening to Coldplay and re-drafting my picks for Dream Panel for Columbus on the Record.

i am ready to settle down

2008-05-28T21:04:00.000-07:00

does anybody remember that song "Brown Skin" by India.Arie?what? you don't?YOUTUBE NEVER FORGETS(sorry. embedding had been disabled by request.)i specifically remember listening to this song while cruising campus in a van full of white kids, and i'm pretty sure we were all wishing we had sun-kissed, sugar-coated choco-late brown skin. should we add this to stuffwhitepeoplelike.com? somewhere near Clown Cone & Confections, perhaps?imagining white people you know doing anything to this song - even just listening to it - it always hilarious.But teterbot, what in the world reminded you of this song?Well, i can tell you it WAS NOT because i was looking at Sex in the City: The Movie Soundtrack on iTunes.It was NOT because of that.

the bear inside her quieted.

2008-05-27T20:32:00.000-07:00

You know that part in the movie Legends of the Fall when Brad Pitt comes back from his boating trip around the world and he's no longer sleeping with whores or hunting wild game? The part where he settles down with that nice half-Indian girl and becomes a bootlegger?

That's me. Or at least it will be, once Eric Lyttle and I figure out how to make a newspaper all by ourselves tomorrow afternoon.

Everything has quieted down. We feed the chickens and tend the garden. I've even begun to use a clothesline. It feels good to, as you say, put something in the ground. It's stabilizing.

Seth and I made sauce and pasta from scratch and had cookies and wine. We were able to enjoy the time as a couple. Tonight I felt good about everything I ever did, and all the blessings that are piled up around me. Especially this:

The Teters went camping this weekend. Part of the celebration involved a day trip including something called a Moonshine Festival. Please go. There is no description that can adequately describe it. I can, however, offer one piece of advice: Moonshine Pie does not pair well with Old-Fashioned Root beer. www.Tummyache.com

Also, it was Memorial Day, and Maybel was thisclose to taking a crap in the middle of the festival on the New Straitsville Veterans' Memorial. Plus she does this thing where she flings her poo onto monuments with her back paws. Luckily the WWII vets were distracted by the car show.

In journalism, I have achieved my career goals. I am 25. Any ideas for what's next? I'm taking suggestions.

In work, Dan Williamson's last day is tomorrow. Although he says he'll sneak out the door without fanfare, I can't imagine he wouldn't secretly appreciate how sad people are about his departure.

I'll tell you what I would have told him: I would say the same things to Dan that I said to Danny Russell----that I adore his work and am devastated by his departure, andd I wish he would've stuck around so I could apprentice, blah, blah, blah----but now I'm just spittin' mad.

Almost four years ago, I moved to Columbus and started reading The Other Paper. A few moments later, I decided that I wanted to be Dan Williamson when I grew up. I'm not sure many young ladies think this. I probably blogged about it. Flash forward to the present, and I'm here, and damned if everybody I wanted to work with hasn't flown the coop, but I can't be too mad for too long. If it weren't for Dan, I'd probably still be writing my stupid little columns across the hall. Plus, Eric is prepping to pretty much rock the joint.

I think Ohio's governor is soothing. I could listen to him all day long.

What I meant to say is that I am happy for everybody. and that I might get to be a statehouse reporter--whatever that means.

colleen's going-away party: or how i learned to love gays

2008-05-23T12:58:00.000-07:00

i hope you thought that was funny.it was really good to see everyone last night. i love remembering with you, and hearing your new stories. i still refuse to believe the one about the cats painted with the face of charlie chapman. and russia? seriously? what? also, thanks for being in my wedding. there was at least one crucial bridesmaid missing. i'd really like to see pictures of her mangled feet.as i become settled in Knox County (where the coffee shops spell Rwanda R-O-W-A-N-D-A) it has become clearer to me that there is a great divide, maybe even moreso than Red v. Blue between rural and urban people.they do not understand each other.whether it is guns or gays, as one who is straddling the divide, i must say that there is a lot of uneccesary fear on either side. if you've never had your hands on a gun or a gay, you're much more likely to fill in your own harrowing narrative. although arguably, guns have ruined more heterosexual marriage-family units than gays ever will.still, people are terrified.but as for you, urbanites, you suddenly hate traveling by automobile, which is a sensitive issue for me. if you don't live within walking distance of your work, according to NPR, you don't get to spend as much time with your family (you hate your kids), you spend more time burning gas (you hate the earth) and you spend less time exercising? (you hate your body). while i do agree that theteet's carbon footprint is slightly oversized, my husband and i make up for our transgressions by growing our own food. can you imagine the packaging and the shipping and the labor we've saved? i'd be curious to see how much of a dent that makes in our carbon budget. anyway, you can't really do that in the city. and there are no jobs in the country. the suburbs are the worst of both worlds. that being said, rural dwellers, stop whining about gas prices. you made your bed. lie in it.Jon Stewart frequently speaks to these rural v. urban tensions, only he equates the entire midwest, the 'heartland,' as 'rural.' he makes fun of the media for referring to the midwest as the common man's america, and then his New York audience laughs and applauds wildly, because they think their votes are being written off as less important than the working class types.but that west virginian woman on the show the other night, though. the 'i've had enough of that hoo-sein'? that's hilarious. "West Virginia's new slogan?" stewart said. "No Interviews Please."but some of us are educated and trying to live sustainable yet simple lives, you may cry into your television. look at our arts scene! we read the newspapers!i forget where i was going with this.i think my point is that we need to walk a mile in each other's shoes? don't count your chickens before they've hatched? a bird in the hand is worth a bushel of smaller birds? oh, and that i effing hate it when jon stewart panders to his audience. he has become everything he hates.

my god.

2008-05-21T09:52:00.000-07:00

it's been 5 days since my last post.i've really lost heart.

a secret agent i know

2008-05-16T05:37:00.000-07:00

sent me this podcast from ... what? Wags & Elliot?It's a new song called 'Marc Dann' as sung to the Police's Roxanne.Although I'm slightly beyond the grasp of their target demographic, I think that this is a humorous concept, and it reminds me that radio, television and newspapers all have different strengths.now, which one got kidnapped? was it wags or elliot?

my life is like Myanmar. only worse.

2008-05-15T06:16:00.000-07:00

Just to ease Colleen's fears, the title of this blog post was written only to mock how selfish and whiny theteet has become over the years. i don't really think circumstances here are comparable to more than 100,000 people dying in a cyclone.but they're close!life lessons are coming left and right these days. but for the record, i was happy and there were no twists and turns at work for ... what was that? seven days? maybe we stretched it out to 14?anyway, as you may have read in the Dispatch, Dan Williamson is trying to ruin my life in the same way that Danny Russell did. please don't ask me about this until fall.in other news, the chickens have tripled in size. they are the dirtiest, smelliest creatures in our house. but soon, they'll be stable enough to live outside. we're building a CHICKEN TRACTOR this weekend, which is just like it sounds. supplies include: 2x4s, PVC pipe, a tarp and tin roofing. our neighbors are going to love us even more.the rhubarb and asparagus are shooting up. so are the strawberries. i'm really happy that the bloggers racked up more than 12 pages of comments about my story. i needed some attention. it gets lonely in the country.drivel. drivel. drivel.

gentleman, it has been an honor: Part Deux

2008-05-12T21:10:00.000-07:00

this is a new movie starring lyndsey teter, lyndsey teter, lyndsey teter and, well, lyndsey teter.still not sure who the bearded fellow is:[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5iCkYKLleE]

in the next 35 days

2008-05-12T20:48:00.000-07:00

there is nothing i can say here that would be helpful to anyone.

i am making fast friends at work.

2008-05-11T19:24:00.000-07:00

everyone who reads my articles absolutely loves me. in fact, one person called to repeat what i said in a little girl's voice and then abruptly hung up the phone. my words must be making a lasting impact because people are trying to impersonate me. they want to be me.in other words, i am still getting used to writing things that people occasionally read.but i'm having fun.fyi, if you piss off some tech-savvy affluent white kids, your blog traffic will shoot up almost as much as that time your kid sister's head exploded, as demonstrated by the chart below:

Lil' Peckers: Days FourFiveSixSevenEight

2008-05-11T19:09:00.000-07:00

Editor’s Note: This is Part Three of an ongoing series about theteet’s foray into the world of the chicken farmer. Descriptions are graphic.

we have not killed a chicken in five days.

i've gone corporate -- again

2008-05-07T06:13:00.000-07:00

ps - I am bona fide.for $15, i just bought theteet.com. i'm counting myself lucky that megan pringle or erik johns (huge fans of the site) hadn't already snatched it up.no need to change your bookmarks -- theteet.wordpress.com will automatically be redirected to theteet! can you believe it? !! i also bought lemonscarlet.com, stunted-growth.com and thefarrago.com, but i'd be willing to sell. for a price.oh, it looks like feed readers might have to add theteet.com.go ahead. plug in. you know you can't live without it.in other news, i am looking for a part-time marketer. theteet needs some branding work. i'm thinking of some sort of website launch. maybe we can have it at BOMA. I'll bring the chickens.

Lil' Peckers: Day Two and Three

2008-05-07T05:55:00.000-07:00

Editor’s Note: This is Part Two of an ongoing series about theteet’s foray into the world of the chicken farmer. Descriptions are graphic.we've lost as many chicks in as many days.we are the world's worst chicken farmers.the good news is that upon further research, it's not our fault. I guess something like 10 percent of chickens die within the first 2 days of being alive. For some reason, they don't learn that they need to eat and drink. It's really cruel, though, because they tell you all these tricks; dipping the chick's beak in the water, putting a marble in the pan, pecking at the food with your hand, and you do them for hours thinking that you will TEACH this BIRD to EAT. But it doesn't eat. And then it falls down. and then Seth has to smash it's head off with a sledgehammer.But I guess the sledgehammer gig is better than being pecked to death by your own mother, which is what would have happened otherwise.Ugh.

Lil'Peckers: Day One

2008-05-05T20:47:00.000-07:00

Editor's Note: This is Part One of an ongoing series about theteet's foray into the world of the chicken farmer. Descriptions are graphic.There are two things I can tell you about chicken farming:1.) Baby chicks go mental over sugar-water.2.) They hate the sound of a hairdryer.I know these things because this morning, as I was getting out of the shower, Seth had arrived home from an early-morning trip to the post office with a box of 26 live baby chicks. He said something like "I'm late for work--can you--just build an ... an enclosure."We weren't "super prepared," so a few hours and a couple google searches later, I learned that chicks need sugar water, ground-up corn flakes, and most importantly, a box that was at least 90 degrees Fahrenheit. i broke all the rules on all the tags on every cord in the house, and achieved said temperature with unattended heat in blanket form, in hot light bulb form and in the conventional space heater form. plus, the chicks were in sawdust. i showed maybel the fire exits before i left for work.a few hours later, seth was in the driveway smashing one of the chick's heads off with a sledgehammer. despite my best attempts at motherhennness, turns out that some of the chicks get sick and die after they are born, no matter what.wasn't anything i did, it appears, but this evening, we had one who was lying on his back in the sawdust while the other chicks were romping all over him. seth thought it best to put the sick little guy out of his misery. it was really, really, strangely hard, and i didn't even have to do it.oh, lawd. it was terrible.i appreciate chicken way much more than you do already.so, make that 25 chicks.we are the worst chicken farmers ever.

it's okay, i'm in my 20s

2008-05-03T11:38:00.000-07:00

yeah for going away parties!!!When I rolled into Bangs at about 5:15 a.m., there were three texts on my phone discussing three different shots of alcohol.i HATE it when people talk about how much they drank at parties, especially if said party was some time in college, but I think it's important to note here not the number, but rather, the combination of liquors and beers consumed last night, including: blue moon, miller light, guinness, bailey's irish cream, red bull, the 'bomb' of a whatever makes a 'cherry bomb,' budweiser, plus a chicken quesidilla -- plus a regret that I would have stayed to take whatever shots were waiting for me at Patrick J's. It may have been the better option, as far as my body is concerned. Although that 10:30 power nap really refueled me. And all this for only $7!Is this why my right eye is partially swollen shut? regardless, I'm glad i was able to tell you all that stuff really loud. Thanks all, for a truly wonderful time. you guys are too good to me.consequently, I can't wait until i'm in my mid 40s and the aftermath of getting drunk will far outweigh the benefits. My dad, who is 54, said he had a hangover for three days the last time he got drunk.

yeah, everybody leaves

2008-05-02T05:48:00.000-07:00

when they get the chance.and this is ... well, this is the closest chance i'll ever have.Are you coming to my SNP going away party?It's tonight after work at Patrick J's.I'd like to think of it more as a 'going over' party, but then again I also don't want to send Tim Krumlauf off into another tirade.I have a feeling that Dennis Laycock is going to break my heart again.

i'm sorry

2008-04-28T19:47:00.000-07:00

one more. one more. one more. and i'll quit. i swear. i'm sorry.TEN POINTS to the Mount Vernon News's own Mark P. Jourdan, who likely is collecting large sums of money from a reporter's pool for slipping "a bewitching, archaic feel" into the fourth graph of his news story.this, god willing, was done to satisfy newsroom boredom a la Malcom Gladwell's "perverse and often baffling" word challenge.Also in today's edition of the Mount Vernon News, this bit of information raises new and troubling questions for the Best News Writer category of the Associated Press Society of Ohio newspaper competition.

church in the country

2008-04-28T19:06:00.000-07:00

If you go:Known for its disturbing friendliness and unsettling hospitality, Church in the Country is a small, cozy establishment nestled in the sprawling countryside of Knox County, Ohio.Do:Expect to stick out like a sore thumb: Everyone knows every one at Church in the Country. Everyone, that is, except for you. In fact, not only do they know everyone, but they know every one's health ailments. And they often shout them out loud during prayer. But they do not yet know yours.Fill out the guest card: Young and old, men and women, pastors and farmers, alike will flock to you during the greeting part of the service with blue Guest Cards in hand. They will welcome you publicly during announcements. They will get your names wrong about 50 percent of the time, but you won't care because you think they feel like home.Don't:Pack a lunch: Attendees at Church in the Country are guaranteed to be offered one, two, or even three Sunday lunches after worship service. Some of them are in the basement, but the majority of Sunday lunches are offered at the homes of church members about a half mile north of the railroad tracks in Hunt Station.Skip Sunday lunch: Although it may be tempting to skip out on lunch at a complete stranger's house, take a few extra laps around the country block to shake the nerves out. Chances are, you'll soon find yourself hoovering around the crock pot with aunts, uncles, grandkids and great-grandkids. You'll hold the baby while mom does dishes and you'll crack jokes because dad probably should have his license revoked. You might even get a little jealous when Stacey is offered first pick of grandma's good silver.What I meant to say was that I have never felt so welcomed in a church, and subsequently at a stranger's house, in all my life. This family provided the most easy, pleasant, relaxing atmosphere -- and having two stangersat the table was completely normal to them. They do it every week, I guess. One of the grandkids road his bike over from Marion. Can you imagine doing something similar for strangers in your own life? I freak out when people I know are coming over.Afterward, we get a call from the old man who brought his riding lawn mower over from the farm to let us borrow it for the night. We had mentioned in passing that our mower was broken and that the part would not arrive until Thursday.What?!What?!I have not yet gotten over the whole experience.How can people be so nice?This is what I want.

my face is burning and crying. because of the tears. FU. sorry mmm wit darcmann ..druuuuuuunk,

2008-04-28T17:18:00.000-07:00

dan williamson and erik johns have ruined blogging for me. i feel bad even as i pen this soon-to-be classic internet hit.

they said there is something about a person -- no offense -- who puts their personal life on the internet for consumption.i don't think they meant something 'good' or something 'extraordinary.' what do you think, pdawg?well.hmmpph.i guess that while true, this insight has also never stopped me before. anyway, i say it's your fault for reading it. society has also produced tila tequila: second shot of love and that would not exist without demand-much like personal details about my life! i would not type them if 7-9 (thousand!) people were throwing themselves at my mercy. and anyway, i think theteet's existence says more about consumers than the producers of the show.dan williamson also claims that he has never visited my blog, but "has had it read" to him. creepy.i wonder what my blog sounds like as read by eric lyttle or phil shie. perhaps there is an opportunity here for TheteetOnTape.enough about dan williamson. and anyway, i am not self-important.i am simply important.all this and i never even got to blog about ticks.

They like us.

2008-04-25T10:02:00.000-07:00

They really, really like us.

NAA ANALYSIS OF NEW GOOGLE RESEARCH FINDS NEWSPAPER ADVERTISING DRIVES ONLINE TRAFFIC, CONSUMER PURCHASING

Research shows newspapers + Internet = more consumer purchasing power; Ads that appear in both mediums reinforce consumer confidence in products and services

WASHINGTON— New consumer research conducted by Clark, Martire & Bartolomeo and commissioned by Google indicates that consumers frequently combine use of newspapers and the Internet to evaluate and make purchases, the Newspaper Association of America said today. According to the study, among people who research products and services after seeing them advertised in newspapers, two-thirds (67 percent) use the Internet to find more information. Of that group, nearly 70 percent of consumers actually make a purchase following their additional research.The research released today was the result of a wide-ranging study exploring the effectiveness of bringing new advertisers to the newspaper print environment through the Google Print Ads™ platform. Earlier NAA studies have shown that newspapers continue to serve as a major resource for U.S. consumers seeking advertising and shopping information.

he said/she said

2008-04-24T16:25:00.000-07:00

special "we don't need a night editor" office email edition:

he said: i just wanted you to know that I farted in your old cubicle. it was a fart of grief. it wasn't smelly, if that's any consolation.

the madnesssssss

2008-04-24T15:55:00.000-07:00

this week is a blur.friends, family, bosses.i got another sexy cover. this was more of a team effort.*astute* TOP readers will note that yes, i have written provocativish stories in the past. get over it, prudes. although -- i may need to write about nuns or something wholesome soon, or i may develop a reputation. i wish i knew someone who could pitch me a good religious story.um. it hit me last night at jenny wray's surprise 30th birthday party at MOMO 2 (go there.) -- perhaps as her fiance Kyle and his friend were belting an Air Supply duet in a sweaty, happy karaoke room? -- that i have never been happier.i am 25 and-a-half, it is spring, i have the funnest job in the universe, our chickens should be arriving any day now, my raised beds are ready and waiting for the frost date, i married a man who can bake me a killer rhubarb pie AND build me some stairs, my dog is hilarious, jesus is my homeboy. i am the. luckiest. gal. in. the. world. or manic-depressive. one of the two.there are even new and colorful wildflowers popping up spontaneously in my yard.everything's comin' up milhouse! i mean, teter!i have been busy and i miss every single human in my life. later i am going to blog about ticks.

i have the best. life. ever.

2008-04-20T17:03:00.000-07:00

this april is really going a whole lot better than last april.

the bear inside him quieted

2008-04-17T20:04:00.000-07:00

hi guys. I successfully tortured everyone involved with the Protected post.There were no actual words in the post, I just wanted to test how that would work.my conclusion? a secret online diary would be nearly impossible to maintain.

seth took a picture of me working in the garden

2008-04-15T09:18:00.000-07:00

I was making raised beds shortly before the second coming of christ.

for a while i was like

2008-04-15T06:20:00.000-07:00

'oh my gawd, with all the manlove jon stewart has for Obama, when he's elected president, how will we laugh?'if jon stewart is so blindly in love with our president that he can't mock him in comedy routines, it will be a long four to eight years.but then! last night he came through with a win-win for us all. when obama is elected president, jon stewartcan simply mock those who criticize barack obama!!!!!! hurray!But honestly, i've searched my soul the last four days, and i can't seem to find what is terribly wrong with those infamous few paragraphs (surprise, surprise). i read it as an explanation of small town whackoism, which is basically right on. but seth said i was wrong, and that he was putting a Whacko Blanket on every resident of every small town in america. in that case, i'm spittin' mad. riot on the streets of Bangs. it's about screaming 1-8-7 on a muthaeffin' cop!speaking of Sublime lyrics, it's funny when two white people find themselves singing, for example, 'load up the bong/krank up the song/let the informer call 911' in a Hyundai accent on the way home to Bangs. we are such posers.in conclusion, william kristol is the most intelligent douchebag i have ever read. i love to hate that guy. and that sly smile! i could kill him with my bare hands. i'm glad they started putting him columns in the Dispatch.

they should be called Drippy Hands Wiped on Pants

2008-04-14T09:41:00.000-07:00

i am an hour or so behind deadline, but this is of utmost importance. we have two machines in the ladies' room at work.they are both called Paper Towel Dispensers, which is ironic, because that is the one thing they do not do. we've lived about 7 months with this on-again-off-again problem.

blah blah blog

2008-04-11T21:17:00.000-07:00

I am just testing the internet. Maybel and I are watching The Soup.Spend an evening in the garden. We have worms as fat as snakes.

but i've cheered up!

2008-04-11T14:47:00.000-07:00

as you required.

i know i tend

2008-04-11T14:15:00.000-07:00

to generate mucho readership ire when i butter the bottoms of bosses on my blog, but this one just walked out the door, so it doesn't really count.i am sad about the departure of danny russell.i remember -- 27 years ago today! -- when pdawg was like, 'teter, you should go talk to danny because kristen convery just quit and you once told me that you'd like to work at TOP.'and so i did. and instead of dismissing me as a lost SNPer who wandered on the wrong side of the building, danny talked to me for a very long time about what sort of writer he likes at his paper, and he's been pretty darn nice to me ever since.i wish he would have stuck around for a few of my formative years.shut up.i'm one of those people who needs some coattails to cling to.

i hate the new wordpress.

2008-04-11T13:57:00.000-07:00

it won't let me post the sexiest picture ever.and i know you a-holes are too lazy to click on the link.

a note from the management

2008-04-10T07:05:00.000-07:00

Although it took me a few minutes to find the spellcheck, i really dig the new Wordpress format and template changes.You won't see anything different as a visitor, but inside theteet, it's like a brand new car with all sorts of gadgets and whizzits and whatnots. power steering!!perhaps the most exciting new feature is PASSWORD PROTECTED posts. that means i can talk all i want about my boss and only those who know the password will be able to retrieve the information! this is great news and totally not a false sense of security for huge pus----.i think what i'll do from now on is just use the name of the person i'm bashing as the password. so if you think the post is going to be about Joe, just type in his name. If you think it's about dennis, just try it. i'll probably still continue to speak ill of Lisa Proctor without remorse. i hate that bi-atch.**this is funny because lisa is the nicest person in the newsroom.it has also been mentioned recently that we at theteet.wordpress.com need to cheer up.we hear your concerns and are working internally to correct the problem.

oh my god oh my god oh my god

2008-04-10T06:42:00.000-07:00

i think ... i think megan pringle might have just commented on my blog.okay. okay. okay. relax. you've talked with her in real life before. you've made her probably at least 20 grande nonfat lattes (why does she always order two!?), you saw her at the Daily Show taping that time you made jon stewart laugh out loud -- !! -- so this is a natural progression in your relationship. first the casual conversation, then the stalking, then the blog comment.i love you megan pringle.i have never, ever (not even once!) in my life hated you. plus, for some reason you drive almost as much traffic to my site as i do.i love you megan pringle.please. i'm honored. have a seat.Editor's Note: it has come to my attention that Megan Pringle did not comment on my blog. It was my cousin. whom i hate.

i'm not sure if i'm allowed to out her on the internets or not

2008-04-08T13:23:00.000-07:00

we got some really good news this weekend from my sister-in-law. oh, and paul. he helped, too.let's just say that when my mother-in-law compared gifts, my 'make-your-own-sunflower!" kit really paled in comparison.

still your #1 news source for myself and megan pringle.

2008-04-07T10:16:00.000-07:00

I have one of those magic counters that tells me what people type in google to link to my blog. here are the most-frequent referrers since theteet.wordpress.com was born in, like, July or something: (sorry ben marrison!)

Search	Views
the teet	49
lyndsey teter	33
megan pringle	29
donovan britton	28
i hate my cousin	24
monique ming laven	23
bible jokes	22
theteet	17
lyndsey teter blog	16
oliver hyman	13
bob barker	12
ben marrison	12
oliver hyman american idol	10
donovan l. britton	8
nikki bornhorst ohio	8
robert talton	8
"mark major", "central ohio"	7
motivational rapes	7
dayquil works	7
"ben marrison"	7
"perverse and often baffling"	7
give me back my belly fruit	6
gilly hicks bras	6
khalila perrin	5
teter ben marrison	5
hate my cousin	5
bill melville	5
unhonorable	5
gilly hicks soundtrack	5
donovan l britton	5
"mark major" deceased columbus ohio	5

yesterday was a special day for me

2008-04-04T07:07:00.000-07:00

for two huge reasons.Seth suggested that because it's my first cover, we should frame it and place it in a prominent spot in our home. he is also storing a few copies under the mattress. for safekeeping.

DEVASTATING EVENTS starring Steve Guttenberg.

2008-04-02T14:18:00.000-07:00

I am Steve Guttenberg's biggest fan.Some may query, "but how can you be a fan of the Gutte if you've never seen Police Academy?"For you, naysayers, I have two words: Cocoon Two.He is the sweetest, most sincere man on the planet.I love him. Now, as I'm sure many of you are aware, our beloved Steve was eliminated from Dancing with the Stars last night. As if I needed another reason to hate America.When we were courting, Seth was aware of my strange fascination, so he sent me an autographed photo to hang in my dorm room:

All I can say is "who knew!?" Anyway, I still have the email that Steve sent to me personally nearly one month after the tragic events of Sept. 11, 2001. This is not a lie:

Date: Monday, November 12, 2001 7:07 PM -0500From: MrKirbyProd@aol.comTo: lj200100@ohio.eduSubject: Re:Dear Lyndsey,Good day and thank you for writing me. I am sending this letter in response to your email to give you some news about me and what's been going on. I am currently in post production on a film I directed called P.S. Your Cat is Dead. It is a comedy with some dramatic moments, based on the play and novel by James Kirkwood.There is a website for the movie, www.psyourcatisdead.com, please check it out. The film should be released sometime next year, I am looking forward to you watching it.In the meantime, I am currently developing future projects, reading many scripts from other writers and trying to lead a balanced life, spending time with family and friends. This is my 25th year in the entertainment business and I have loved every minute. There are times that when it's a challenge, but I am grateful for the opportunity to be contributing to our culture. Being an actor has been rewarding, but also strange at times.Currently, I reside in both New York and LosAngeles, I have a dog, some fish and a healthy attitude. Once again, thank you for getting in touch, I read all of the emails.Many happy returns,Steve Guttenberg

He is LOOKING FORWARD to MY WATCHING of his MOVIE. I should probably do that.

gentleman, it has been an honor

2008-04-02T12:40:00.000-07:00

this is a new movie starring lyndsey teter, eric lyttle, dennis laycock and tim krumlauf.not sure who the bearded fellow is:[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5iCkYKLleE]

top five things

2008-04-01T06:13:00.000-07:00

I will miss about Dennis Laycock when he leaves us and retires in a few days:1.) Gmail Chats.2.) The way he would always send a 60-point message in weird font to remind me to file my commentary blurb -- which i never remembered, in almost 40 weeks.3.) The fact that he went to prom with my sister-in-law. I will miss that.4.) I will miss being able to walk over and sit next to someone who hates ben marrison as much as i do.5.) And finally, I will still be able to read about his pants in his continuing coverage on livejournal, but I will not be able to see his christmas pants in real life.

ch-ch-ch-changes

2008-03-31T08:56:00.000-07:00

Here is what I said on my blog about being promoted to commentary editor for the first time last year:

"this is a good place to be, considering our company’s recent buyout and the big push toward the internets. (VODCAST OR DIE.) I could realistically be blogging for work by June. Everything is falling into place."

Since then, I have learned the consquences of speaking positively. As such, here is what I am saying about the departure of a man 20-30 percent my editor:

"This is the end of things. All who enter will be broke and soulless by the end of the month. I will develop boils. Fire and brimstone will fall on the earth."

dear readers

2008-03-31T08:37:00.000-07:00

i'm writing to apologize. this morning I cut-copied-and-pasted a blog entry for a column.i got desperate, and acted in a way that was disrespectful to the craft.in any event, i can't promise it won't happen again.i am the church. you are my flagpole.sincerely,theteet.wordpress.com, LLC.

secret knox county: wireless internet access

2008-03-30T18:56:00.000-07:00

i am blogging from a coffee shop at Kenyon College, which is also the only place you can find wifi on a Sunday within county borders.it's like athens here -- only hippies are intermingled with a lot of girls wearing riding boots.this is hotbed for liberal arts-educated white people. one guy is coloring with a box of 64 crayons. i have never seen such fancy sandwiches and hairdos.**i should have changed out of my american eagle sweatshirt and my paint-stained jeans -- or should i have?i recognize everyone here.** Editor's note: everyone is an art history major and there is ORGANIC ketchup on the tables. I repeat: there is organic ketchup on the tables. over.

the teter who cried nurse

2008-03-27T06:36:00.000-07:00

every time i joke about abandoning this wretched field and becoming a nurse, please take a shot. you'll be drunk very early in the week. i love my job.i'm speaking of my original job, which is writing columns for a suburban weekly paper in columbus. it's a ride on the ego train. it's perfect. i have my little platform where i vomit 800 words without anyone being physically capable of interrupting. people read my stuff and call or write in to talk to me about it. sometimes people about the neighborhood recognize me before i've even met them because my mugshot runs beside my columns. i love it when people write in crazy things about how they'd like me dead or injured, i love it when people write in to say they read regularly and that i really nailed it. i love it when people become inspired and ask if they can write something for print our papers. i love watching how media is changing under pressure. i love writing for money. i love being at the bottom of the scale of the industry. (i'm closer to you, mere mortals). i am the champion.i love my new job, or at least the idea of it. it is an alternative weekly, meaning we aren't obligated to be a paper of record. those kids can write about anything they want. and there are smart people there who can make you sound a lot more clever than you are. it's true. they do. i love writing about the media. i love columbus. i am the champion.lately i'm been thinking a lot about my mother and how she spent her 20s raising me and my sister and about how lucky i am to have received a college education and to have a job where i write for a living. my mom always wanted to go to school (you still do, don't you lady?) and i've been thinking about how she poured her whole youth into taking care of us, my grandpa and driving my dad's pants to Pennsylvania, apparently.my mom does not have a single byline or published photo or plague or trophy to show for it. no one probably has called to recognize her good deed, and i'm pretty sure she hasn't received many letters confirming that yes, she is working and people see it. but in terms of the universe, her work means a lot more than any snarky column ever will. she wanted to be a marine biologist. or a counselor. but she served other human beings instead, with little or no recognition while being mostly taken advantage of by her family. she is the champion. she will be seated first in heaven.so i am thinking again that it might be nice for a little while to have a job that flexes some different muscles. so i am thinking it might be nice for a while to have a job that's a little less about me-ness and a little less about having the best product or about keeping up with (or being the first to report) the goings-on and more about serving with no public recognition whatsoever. i'm talking about shaving old man balls, here.maybe i'm being romantic, but researching some options, it seems that school for a different occupation could be a realistic option for me. it would take 2 years and it would be about $1,000-$2,000 a quarter. it might even be in my backyard, as a tech school recently opened a branch about 9 miles from my house. i've racked up many hours in nursing homes and hospitals, and these people really do make or break your stay. i've had nurses fight doctors and police officers for me. i've had them wipe my ass and i've had them wipe the asses of my closest family members. i've had them drain puss from my face and i've helped them roll gramps over for a healthy back scratch.i'm not really grossed out by the concept of providing comfort and relief -- even if it involves inserting a catheter or two, escorting an old lady to brunch or whatever. Those things would be HUGE ego boosts for me. :)hey. i'm wondering if i would be able to tear myself away from columbus and my fun ego job.i'm wondering if i would be a terrible nurse.i'm wondering if anyone else who is a nurse would please talk me out of it.i'm wondering if i'd have the balls to change careers.this morning i'm thinking 'eh, prolly not.'

Brooke. like a stream. or a meadow.

2008-03-26T13:46:00.000-07:00

It should come as no surprise to anyone, but Seth hates TV.He calls it 'the idiot box' and becomes physically ill whenever he walks in on me taking a quick peek at, say, a Sex and the City episode.He hates reality TV worst of all, and can often be found reading a book downstairs or building something in the house when I am watching Steve Gutenberg TEAR UP on Dancing with the Stars.That is why I was so caught off guard when I heard him shout from the workshop last night: "Are we missing Idol?!"See, Seth is in love with Brooke White.

She's no Bill Cohen, Barack Obama or Jon Husted, but Finally! Seth has a girl crush! It makes me feel less guilty for my vocal man crushes.I do feel a little strange that all the girls he gets giddy over are just about the opposite of me when it comes to physical appearances: Cate Blanchett, the chick from the Cardigans, and Brooke, of course, among a whole host of blondes in the shape of an actual woman. Crap. The only brunettes he has shown affection for are the Knox County Coroner, (we still have her campaign literature on the fridge, I think) and Khallia Perrin.hmm.Anyway, we were watching last night, and I started taking mental notes. He may dispute these quotes, but most of them came in the heat of the moment. Plus, with DVR, he can rewind her performance and watch it over and over again. And he does:"She is my sunshine.""She makes me feel warm ... like a bunch of bluebirds are trying to burst out of me.""I just want to write her a letter.""I bet she smells like those phrases on fabric softeners. Only I bet she really does smell like a lavender waterfall.""She's like the springtime in a woman-shaped bottle.""No, no. It's not that I want to have sex with her," he said, as I was trying to explore his attraction to her. "It would be more of a pollination .... The wind would flow over my stamen."...and that last one has a hand gesture that goes with it.I'm not sure who is going to be more devastated when she is voted off. I'll lose my temporary TV partner.

there's being right and there's being nice.

2008-03-26T11:15:00.000-07:00

I went to an SPJ thing moments ago about journalism and the interwebs. They played this clip, which I love, (but can't get to embed on the site). Almost as much as my favorite Onion video. Not everybody gets such quality industry references in popular culture.

Should my braided rug be round or oval?

2008-03-24T10:30:00.000-07:00

Hi/Umm, Jesus love me enough to let me hear from all sides. It seems that a lot of folks 'round these parts are feeling the burn, so to speak. I wish he would just leave me be and let me live my happy pagan lifestyle.Lousy accepting christ as my personal savior. never let that one go, will ya killey mcgee?(insert disciplinary lighting strike here)(no, not that kind of Lightning Strike)Anyway, Good Friday + dead friend + Jim Wallis + Barack Obama's speech on race + Family + Easter + Ham + discovering old pictures (!) = a weird week for the teetering soul of your teterbot.Wouldn't it be easier if we were all Amish? We could settle this over apple butter.The tides of life:Every Friday, I curse my husband for dragging me home to the countryEvery Sunday I curse myself for keeping my job in the big city.Something magic happens between Friday night and Sunday evening that makes me appreciate the following things:1.) Chickens, which are on back-order, but are scheduled to arrive by May.2.) Floors, which are finished.3.) Views, which are unobstructed by residential units.4.) Deer, which are hilarious.5.) 1,000 square feet of garden, which are in planning stages.6.) Chestnut trees, which are pointy7.) 52 board feet of Hickory, which are stair treads.8.) Blackbirds, which are baked in a pie.9.) Clotheslines, which are totally possible.10.) Braided rugs, which are $800 if you don't make them yourself for $40.I am the most-blessed.You can be second.

stuff this white person loves.

2008-03-21T07:40:00.000-07:00

1.) stuffwhitepeoplelike.com.2.) Farai Chideya3.) the black perspective.Man, I only know maybe less than a dozen black people! I am so sheltered and sooooo Caucasian. I LOVE listening to NPR's News & Notes and thinking "Man! I wouldn't have even THOUGHT of that question! I am so oblivious to racial issues!" (Note to Lisa A: I'm not being sarcastic. I really do like these things.)That's why I was drawn to this Slate article by Gary Douphin, which is a critique of stuffwhitepeoplelike.com:

I'll confess that part of my antipathy is just old-fashioned player hate. Nothing gets under my (colored, nearly-middle-aged) skin like the spectacle of a twentysomething white kid doing what twentysomething white kids do all the time, namely, play on some or another aspect of their race for smug fun and profit. Lander has already reportedly been offered a $350K-plus book deal from Random House. (Can a VH1 Special be very far behind?) People of color are constantly accused of playing various race cards, but "White boy makes good by being white" is hardly a man-bites-dog story.Envy aside, though, SWPL also smells like a classic racial con-job. It goes without saying that the specific entries (Oscar parties?) don't really apply to anyone. That makes Lander's overall pose--and the uncritical response to it--the real action. You'd think from the approving hubbub that SWPL had discovered (white) America or something, but white comedians, academics, and artists have been thinking and cracking wise about "white" culture since before Lander was in, well, short pants (#86). Usually, even jokey talk about whiteness has a whiff of danger to it, but SWPL is likely the safest, most affable racial satire ever, a loving high-five between friends passing as critique.

Man! White people can even control the dial when it comes to their own racism in popular culture! Imagine if black people had been proprietors of, say, Birth of a Nation, or, like, Minstrels. Wait. This is loosely drawn. Neither are satire, but still. You get the idea. SWPL is mild. No credit for you! Imagine if things that really cut deep were listed, i.e. white people like (#110) Ignoring their own privilege, or (#112) asking black people about their hair, or (#118) saying that black people should be totally over slavery by now.Speaking of, this might be the more hilarious site.3.) I also love Benazir Bhutto.This is only because of a few paragraphs I read of her book, and because of a comment her surrogate made on the Daily Show after her assassination.This dude, her biographer, got really upset when Jon Stewart had Musharraf on the show last year and said he was "trivializing a dictator," to which Bhutto responded, "Lighten up, it's just a comedy show."This woman fought extremism, tried to show the West the peaceful nature of Islam, and yet was able to brush off the fact that the man who pretty much represents all she was fighting against was drinking tea on an late-night cable comedy show.