there's good news and there's bad news.
the good news is that we're canceling our order, and you won't have to load up that new truck of yours with firewood for our Fourth of July party.
the bad news is that the largest tree on our lot split in half and fell across the driveway. oh, and it took another maple tree down with it.
two questions: 1.) does anybody own a chainsaw? 2.) will this hurt my chances of going to comfest?
it was a storm, alright. but not a Shitstorm, thank god.
EDIT: and then a few minutes later, maybel got sprayed by a skunk.
Contrary to whatever advice NBC4's MArshal McPeek may offer, I stayed away from the feminine products and instead came up with this 2-hour cycle that will guarantee results:
1.) bathe with dog shampoo
2.) soak with 5c tomato sauce 10-20 minutes
3.) dog shampoo
4.) soak with 2c hydrogen peroxide, some baking soda and dish soap.
5.) dog shampoo
6.) repeat steps 4-5
7.) finish with a strong-smelling conditioner, like Aussie.
we didn't follow the No. 1 rule, which is "Do not bring the dog in the house to bathe her because the smell will linger for two weeks," so, we've got that going for us. poor pig. it got her right in the kisser.
re: Gays.
I'm pretty sure that Jesus was in the habit of reaching out to marginalized groups -- not creating them.
re: The One True Religion.
Anyone who buys into Jesus and says there is 'more than one path to heaven' is either pandering or not reading the Bible. Cowboy up, pious ones. If there were multiple options, there would be no need for Hey-suse. Feel the burn of a glare once in a while, will ya?*
*EDIT: There are lots of paths that lead toward heaven. But most of them are flooded at some point on the way there. It's like trying to drive to Athens after a good rainstorm. If you're in a sedan (which represents the wretched, sinful vehicle that is man) there's only one route that's fullproof. **
**EDIT: What?
my reckless use of the em dash -- god's favorite punctuation mark -- has been called into question
whilst proofreading my last article, e-johns counted 24 double-dashes. in recent hours, it has also become apparent that my editor has a fondness for the double-dash -- not to be confused with a mere 'hyphen' -- as well.
this is a dangerous pairing. TOP is doomed.
but consider the power of the em dash, which works -- as moses did -- to part the waves of prose so that the all-important parenthetical thought can safely pass. no need to finish that thought or sentence --let the Daddy Longdash take it home.
Cut short?
Let the double-dash show emotion that has become --
truncated.
oh, em dash.
now that our torrid affair has been brought into the light, i shan't ever look at you the same way again.
they become hostile and intolerable at lightning speeds. they assume the worst, pick at nits and insert their own insecurities.
also, studies show the word "f*cktard" is used with increased frequency on the web vs. real world communication, coming in second only to rush-hour-driving conversations that take place between solitary commuters.
after this, it's strictly happy hour mingling for this teterbot. who's comin' with me?
obviously this, however, is the glaring exception:
Build your own Blingee
Here is a list of people who will forever rock:
lin, lisa, meredith, mr. mike and erik.
these people came out to see my chickens during a thunderstorm warning--and no, that's not a euphemism. i am tattooing their names on my chest. you should strive to be more like them. (and please bring pie, guns, miller lite or rock salt when you come.)
on Father's Day, steven j requested that we drive up to Ashland and chop wood all day long with a log splitter, which, if you've never used one, is an incredible and dangerous machine. i've never had so much fun making firewood in all my life. dad managed to chop only one log the entire afternoon. he spent most of the time fetching beers or repairing the gas line he split whilst pounding supports for the wood pile into the soft ground.
i am excited that i learned about a new way to join copper piping underground. the flare joint. have you hear about this?
if there is a nuclear holocaust, we will be the only ones left alive.
in other news, do you remember when you first learned that your lungs take in oxygen and that your veins (or is it arteries?) deliver the goods to your heart? or do you remember when you learned that you have a circulatory system?
no?
well, i remember feeling a bit impressed and also thankful when i understood these things. it's nice to suddenly appreciate something you didn't know was already working in your favor. not to get all, like, My-So-Called-Life on you, but that is how i feel living on a 'farm' and working as a journalist. it's just a constant flow of new information, (so that's how that works!) and there are always lots of new ways to feel connected and overwhelmingly joyful -- you know, like, when you learn about flare joints. or that church steeples originate from the pagan practice of worshiping the erect penis of a fertility god. or when you meet people. or control the pH of your garden soil.
i am so happy with life right now that i keep waiting for something terrible to happen.
what i meant to say was: don't listen to me. i am totally high.
now i have to run a marathon.
last night as i was wrapping up a four mile jog, this song descended upon my iPod mid-shuffle:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHbQ-dKCkUc&hl=en]
the clouds were billowing in all the right places, the birds were singing and the cows were lined in a row, swaying back and forth as they encouraged me to follow my dream. before i knew it, i had accidentally envisioned myself tearfully crossing the line of the columbus marathon in october.
later, i found this:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNHLywCfnHI&hl=en]
fyi, i tearfully finished my first half marathon to this:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-GugzLSbOQE&hl=en]
and my first 10K, ever more strangely, to this:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9wN7xbqajE8&hl=en]
i'm not sure why this happens. songs about the sea, surrender, skin and tragedy go hand-in-hand with the runner's high, i guess.
there are 20 weeks until the C-Bus race. you're only supposed to train up to 20 miles, so theoretically, if you can run one mile this week, and one more mile each week after that, you can run it with me. we can be famous together. after all, mary jo kilroy ran a marathon. why can't you?
any takers?
After his ill-fated stint as former Attorney General Marc Dann's top nonlegal aide, Edgar C. Simpson evidently has decided to go back to his roots.
Simpson, 44, had been a small-town newspaper editor in Missouri when Dann picked him to run the sprawling non-legal side of his office, which includes policy, communications, purchasing, human resources and some law-enforcement functions.
Simpson had worked with, and was close friends with, Dann's wife when both worked for the Tribune Chronicle in Warren.
Simpson was forced out of the attorney general's office when an internal probe of sexual-harassment charges revealed his shortcomings as a manager and his often clumsy attempts to suppress the harassment claims. Dann himself quit less than two weeks later.
Simpson has enrolled in a master's degree program at Ohio University in journalism, which will allow him to teach the subject, said Tom Hodson, director of the E.W. Scripps School of Journalism.
Simpson will teach a basic reporting class to undergraduates as part of his master's program, Hodson said. The position will pay about $9,700 for a semester as well as providing a substantial discount on tuition, he said.
Blog readership has suffered of late.
this is likely due to 1.) it's summer and 2.) people have lives, and 3.) I'm growing up.
but more importantly, 4.) my life on the farm has become uninteresting, and will remain uninteresting for several years.
plus, my new boss is my most loyal blog reader, so i can't really bitch about all the times he's brought me into the office to yell at me for looting, writing crappy stories, armed robbery, etc. i can quote him as saying "I'm going to make you into a star despite yourself," or something along those lines.
we're having fun, aren't we? everyone said we would.
i think we might be on our way to Three Weeks Without Some Devastating Change or Departure or Mass Firing, too, which never helps blog stats.
boooooooooooooooo. maybe this streak will get cut short! (cross your fingers.)
seth and i found a kitten in the barn. this explains why our feral cat was so fat. we thought there was just lots of good eatin' in the fields of Knox County. we touched the kitten, and then tried (unsuccessfully) to feed it before we put it --soaked with milk-- back into the hayloft in the barn. i hope we didn't inadvertently kill it somehow. it's just that we read online that we'd have to feed it with an eyedropper every two hours for four weeks, so we gave up on the ting early.
see?
uninteresting.
please comment.
i'm begging you.
I read that phrase today, and have tucked it away for future use.
anyone who gets it into their respective publication in the next two weeks will win $30 -- but SNPers have to wait until Dennis "Chief of Fun Police" Laycock gets back from vacation, or it would be too easy.
or you can win $20 for the following phrase:
"_______ is the VHS of ______."
(example: Convention Centers are the VHS of urban revitalization.)
I'm still waiting to see "perverse and often baffling."
I bet Jaydubs can get one of these through.
six years and one major brain bleed later, my kid sister has graduated from the ohio state university.
good work, little one.
she's got a piece of paper in animal sciences, and has already secured gainful employment. she will not, contrary to popular rumors, be paid to smear make-up on baby seal eyelids. she will be injecting blind monkeys with AIDS. i'm kidding. i think she's actually curing cancer by cutting up dead rats, as i understand it.
anyway, way to go, sis--although i wish you could've graduated winter quarter. i think i have sun poisoning from spending five hours in the 90-degree heat at the 'Shoe.
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm NBC newsman brian williams (better known as the 2008 OSU commencement speaker) is totally dreamy.
Editor’s Note: This is Part Four of our ongoing series about theteet’s foray into the world of the chicken farmer. Descriptions are graphic.
We saved ourselves some money by constructing a Hen Chalet for $300. Retail value for the fancy one shown here is $1,795 (before shipping!)
Our Hen Ghetto-let is not as swank --but at $300, to me, it's got all the right moves.
We have not yet put on the trim, and we still need to paint the front, but I got too excited to wait for pictures. Or more flattering light.
Can you see the World's Best Garden in the background? The view from our back porch has reached a new level of quaint.
This little house holds about 20-30 chickens. Running count on the Teter farm is 22. We've lost five so far for various mysterious reasons --Sudden Chicken Death Syndrome?-- but have nursed one back to health and the remaining birds look active and happy.
The Chalet has wheels inside and so we can pull it around the yard every day and let the birds fill up on grubs and bugs and grass. I believe the kids call it 'free range.'
If you look closely, you can see how much they pooped and destroyed the ground in one half of one day. And they're not even fully grown yet. These guys will not get to range as free as I'd like (the birds actually hate leaving the hut, but i like to see them wander the yard and have forced them to do so) because we have a feral cat who prowls around waiting to pounce.
Luckily, Maybel remembers the "Get that cat" command, and enjoys chasing our friend back into the barn. I think she likes to protect the flock.
Sometimes we get lonely in the country, so we make narratives on behalf of the animals who live with us. In one such narrative, we let Maybel--who has been insanely jealous of the chickens--pick the name of our favorite bird, a fiesty brown layer.
Maybel, of course, in an awkward twist of fate, suggested we name it Maybel.
Maybel TC (Maybel the chicken) and Maybel TD (Maybel the dog) have become fast friends. I could see them traveling the countryside together solving mysteries.
Here is a picture of Maybel TC giving a sermon to the rest of the chickens:
I told you it gets lonely on the farm.
that i am ready to settle down. get comfortable with me for a second, will you? no more surprises and no more changes, deal? It's 2008: The Long Road Home, and we're almost there. I can feel it.
re: aaron marshall. i met him at a thing on friday. you wouldn't believe the things. oh, who am i kidding? i don't have the heart to pick another internet fight--faux or otherwise.
i'm a little heartbroken. i thought blogging would help, but it only made it worse. actually, the first two sentances felt nice, but the third didn't have the same spark. the fourth sentence made me feel neutral, and then everything pretty much went to hell after that.
if you need me, i'll be in my room listening to Coldplay and re-drafting my picks for Dream Panel for Columbus on the Record.
Name: Seth
Alias: Teth Seter or Steter.
In Brief: The Steter in his natural habitat. Married to theteet.blogspot.com since August 2004. Often the victim of serious hyperbole. Handy.
Hates: Noise, Dominion Homes, above-the-nipple touching, when people get 'handsy.'
Loves: pies (of any kind), dirt, smoking a pipe after eating pie. also, cows.
Name: Maybel
Alias: The Pig or Boobles.
In Brief: Kentucky-born English Bulldog since February 2006.
Hates: Watermelon. All other kinds of melon. The sound of a new trash bag being opened and sitting in the back seat.
Loves: Treats, walks, Charlie, 'humping it out' and barfing.
Name: Amanda
Alias: The Sister.
In Brief: theteet's younger (but larger) sister. Survived a brain bleed in February 2007.
Hates: minor inconveniences that make her blurt out uncontrollably, brain bleeds.
Loves: UFC, cornhole, texting, fast food and her dog Charlie.
Name: mom and dad.
Alias: the 'rents.
In Brief: Ashland natives and frequent visitors. They taught me how to swear.
Hates: hospitals.
Loves: squirrels and lattes.
Name: Mae
Alias: Klingler or Maddog.
In Brief: Cincinnati resident and former college/Old Towne East roommate. Once wrote a song that made theteet cry.
Hates: Hate.
Loves: Jesus, family, puns, guitars and gardening.
Name: Colleen
Alias: Crankin and Rankin.
In Brief: Akron resident and former college roomie. Arguably more handy than Seth. Nice bosom for hugging.
Hates: all drivers.
Loves: beer, coffee, cigarettes and boys we all find strange.
Name: Talya
Alias: Strader and Sweet T.
In Brief: Chicago resident and former college roomie. served brief stint at theteet's 'accountability partner.' collects monthly fee for keeping quiet.
Hates: people who do not comment on her blog.
Loves: social justice, eggs, her boyfriend monsterbeard and the occupation of barista.
Name: Chris
Alias: Christopher, Monsterbeard and Nadine.
In Brief: Chicago resident and college buddy. Maker of 'We once waited up in the dark with a gun,' and other misadventures.
Hates: people who are looking the other way.
Loves: history, film, his girlfriend Strader and acronyms.
Name: pdawg.
Alias: none needed.
In Brief: Former co-worker who is willing to eat waffles with theteet at 4 in the morning regardless of level of snow emergency.
Hates: anyone under the age of 35.
Loves: Hostess pies, old man rants and golf.
Name: Linsly.
Alias: MERLIN, lin or newbie.
In Brief: Former co-worker who lived with us for a week. I can tell this kid anything. He's like a brother.
Hates: sexual predators.
Loves: zombies, guns, porch chats and movie quotes.
Name: jaydubs.
Alias: jwray and 10bagspacking.
In Brief: Co-worker who taught me everything I know about the world.
Hates: mean jokes, mushrooms, clipping fingernails in the office.
Loves: crafts, her gay-together but also betrothed person Kyle, Columbus Bride Magazine, veggie-friendliness and basil.
Name: jessica.
Alias: jessm.
In Brief: College buddy with the amazing handshake. I believe she might be back from Alaska and living in Hudson now.
Hates: poverty.
Loves: Jesus, jazz, geography and hilarious t-shirts.
Name: brittiny.
Alias: Brit-Brat, experimental dater or The Dunlap.
In Brief: Former co-worker (notice a theme here?) who started with me at SNP on the same day. Former Sorority president taught me the ropes of being a lady. her wisdom did not take.
Hates: visible pany line.
Loves: cocktails, shoes, 'the blue box' and her boyfriend the Lizard.
Name: garth and jen.
Alias: not safe around house plants and the real spider-man and/or HSnothingswronghere.
In Brief: Co-worker couple who proved themselves fun at work and on the farm. Periodically forced to kiss in gas station parking lots.
Hates: local broadcast news reporters.
Loves: zombies, movie quotes, Indianapolis and lin rice.
Name: Angie.
Alias: captain cool.
In Brief: Former co-worker who stole my heart. She is the only thing I've ever lost to the Youngstown Vindicator.
Hates: joe and misogynists.
Loves: celebrity gossip, hilarious captions, biking/hiking, her boyfriend Jef, her mom and Columbus.
Name: Melville.
Alias: welcome to earf or bad town.
In Brief: Former co-worker who let me inherit his seat at SNP. For a while, he was the only one who would talk Reynoldsburg politics with me.
Hates: fleas, eminent domain and people who flip the bird.
Loves: his evil cat, running, opinions, beer and Tom Waits.
Name: The Gerish.
Alias: The Gerish.
In Brief: Co-worker and rare, elusive creature. If you're lucky, you'll see a tousle of black hair breeze by over the cubicle wall.
Hates: Things that aren't crackers.
Loves: crackers.
Name: Dennis.
Alias: secret reading.
In Brief: Co-worker and rare, elusive creature. If you're lucky, he'll walk over and talk to you. But he probably won't. Once took my sister-in-law to Homecoming.
Hates: The damn kids who walk in his yard.
Loves: Corgis, Cedar Point and Rachael. But not the one you're thinking of.
the honda is nervous.
sad pig
in other news, do you remember when you first learned that your lungs take in oxygen and that your veins (or is it arteries?) deliver the goods to your heart? or do you remember when you learned that you have a circulatory system?
no?
well, i remember feeling a bit impressed and also thankful when i understood these things. it's nice to suddenly appreciate something you didn't know was already working in your favor. not to get all, like, My-So-Called-Life on you, but that is how i feel living on a 'farm' and working as a journalist. it's just a constant flow of new information, (so that's how that works!) and there are always lots of new ways to feel connected and overwhelmingly joyful -- you know, like, when you learn about flare joints. or that church steeples originate from the pagan practice of worshiping the erect penis of a fertility god. or when you meet people. or control the pH of your garden soil.
i am so happy with life right now that i keep waiting for something terrible to happen.
what i meant to say was: don't listen to me. i am totally high.
.jpg)
